Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners
In a faithful account of the life and death of John Bunyan
Or
A brief relation of the exceeding mercy of God in Christ to him
Namely
In His taking him out of the dunghill, and converting him to the 
faith of His blessed son Jesus Christ.  Here is also particularly 
shewed, what sight of, and what troubles he had for sin; and also, 
what various temptations he hath met with, and how God hath carried 
him through them.




A PREFACE



OR, BRIEF ACCOUNT OF THE PUBLISHING THIS WORK.  WRITTEN BY THE 
AUTHOR THEREOF, AND DEDICATED TO THOSE WHOM GOD HATH COUNTED HIM 
WORTHY TO BEGET TO FAITH, BY HIS MINISTRY IN THE WORD


CHILDREN, Grace be with you.  AMEN.  I being taken from you in 
presence, and so tied up that I cannot perform that duty, that from 
God doth lie upon me to you-ward, for your farther edifying and 
building up in faith and holiness, etc., yet that you may see my 
soul hath fatherly care and desire after your spiritual and 
everlasting welfare, I now once again, as before, from the top of 
SHENIR and HERMON, so now from THE LIONS' DENS, FROM THE MOUNTAINS 
OF THE LEOPARDS (Song iv. 8), do look yet after you all, greatly 
longing to see your safe arrival into THE desired Haven.

I thank God upon every remembrance of you; and rejoice, even while 
I stick between the teeth of the lion in the wilderness, that the 
grace and mercy, and knowledge of Christ our Saviour, which God 
hath bestowed upon you, with abundance of faith and love; your 
hungerings and thirstings after farther acquaintance with the 
Father, in the Son; your tenderness of heart, your trembling at 
sin, your sober and holy deportment also, before both God and men, 
is a great refreshment to me; FOR YE ARE OUR GLORY AND JOY.  1 
Thess. ii. 20.

I have sent you here enclosed, a drop of that honey that I have 
taken out of the carcase of a lion.  Judg. xiv. 5-8.  I have eaten 
thereof myself, and am much refreshed thereby.  (Temptations, when 
we meet them at first, are as the lion that roared upon SAMSON; but 
if we overcome them, the next time we see them, we shall find a 
nest of honey within them.)  The PHILISTINES understand me not.  It 
is something of a relation of the work of God upon my soul, even 
from the very first, till now, wherein you may perceive my castings 
down, and risings up:  for He woundeth, and His hands make whole.  
It is written in the Scripture, Isa. xxxviii. 19, THE FATHER TO THE 
CHILDREN SHALL MAKE KNOWN THY TRUTH.  Yea, it was for this reason I 
lay so long at Sinai, Lev. iv. 10, 11, to see the fire, and the 
cloud, and the darkness, THAT I MIGHT FEAR THE LORD ALL THE DAYS OF 
MY LIFE UPON EARTH, AND TELL OF HIS WONDROUS WORKS TO MY CHILDREN.  
Psalm lxxviii. 3-5.

Moses, Numb. xxxiii. 1, 2, writ of the journeys of the children of 
ISRAEL, from EGYPT to the land of CANAAN; and commanded also that 
they did remember their forty years' travel in the wilderness.  
THOU SHALT REMEMBER ALL THE WAY WHICH THE LORD THY GOD LED THEE 
THESE FORTY YEARS IN THE WILDERNESS, TO HUMBLE THEE, AND TO PROVE 
THEE, AND TO KNOW WHAT WAS IN THINE HEART, WHETHER THOU WOULDST 
KEEP HIS COMMANDMENTS, OR NO.  Deut. viii. 2.  Wherefore this I 
have endeavoured to do; and not only so, but to publish it also; 
that, if God will, others may be put in remembrance of what He hath 
done for their souls, by reading His work upon me.

It is profitable for Christians to be often calling to mind the 
very beginnings of grace with their souls.  IT IS A NIGHT TO BE 
MUCH OBSERVED UNTO THE LORD, FOR BRINGING THEM OUT FROM THE LAND OF 
EGYPT.  THIS IS THAT NIGHT OF THE LORD TO BE OBSERVED OF ALL THE 
CHILDREN OF ISRAEL IN THEIR GENERATIONS.  Exod. xii. 42.  O MY GOD 
(saith DAVID), Ps. xlii. 6, MY SOUL IS CAST DOWN WITHIN ME; 
THEREFORE WILL I REMEMBER THEE FROM THE LAND OF JORDAN, AND OF THE 
HERMONITES, FROM THE HILL MIZAR.  He remembered also the lion and 
the bear, when he went to fight with the giant of GATH.  1 Sam. 
xvii. 36, 37.

It was PAUL'S accustomed manner, Acts xxii., and that, when tried 
for his life, Acts xxiv., even to open before his judges the manner 
of his conversion:  he would think of that day, and that hour, in 
which he first did meet with grace; for he found it supported him.  
When God had brought the children of Israel out of the Red Sea, far 
into the wilderness, yet they must turn quite about thither again, 
to remember the drowning of their enemies there, Numb. xiv. 25, for 
though they sang his praise before, yet they soon forgat his works.  
Psalm cvi. 11, 12.

In this discourse of mine, you may see much; much I say, of the 
grace of God towards me:  I thank God, I can count it much; for it 
was above my sins and Satan's temptations too.  I can remember my 
fears and doubts, and sad months, with comfort; they are as the 
head of GOLIAH in my hand:  there was nothing to DAVID like 
GOLIAH'S sword, even that sword that should have been sheathed in 
his bowels; for the very sight and remembrance of that did preach 
forth God's deliverance to him.  Oh! the remembrance of my great 
sins, of my great temptations, and of my great fear of perishing 
for ever!  They bring afresh into my mind, the remembrance of my 
great help, my great supports from heaven, and the great grace that 
God extended to such a wretch as I.

My dear children, call to mind the former days, and years of 
ancient times:  remember also your songs in the night, and commune 
with your own Hearts, Ps. lxxiii. 5-12.  Yea, look diligently, and 
leave no corner therein unsearched for that treasure hid, even the 
treasure of your first and second experience of the grace of God 
towards you.  Remember, I say, the word that first laid hold upon 
you:  remember your terrors of conscience, and fear of death and 
hell:  remember also your tears and prayers to God; yea, how you 
sighed under every hedge for mercy.  Have you never a hill MIZAR to 
remember?  Have you forgot the close, the milk-house, the stable, 
the barn, and the like, where God did visit your souls?  Remember 
also the word, the word, I say, upon which the Lord hath caused you 
to hope:  if you have sinned against light, if you are tempted to 
blaspheme, if you are drowned in despair, if you think God fights 
against you, or if heaven is hid from your eyes; remember it was 
thus with your father; BUT OUT OF THEM ALL THE LORD DELIVERED ME.

I could have enlarged much in this my discourse, of my temptations 
and troubles for sin; as also of the merciful kindness and working 
of God with my soul:  I could also have stepped into a style much 
higher than this, in which I have here discoursed, and could have 
adorned all things more than here I have seemed to do, but I dare 
not:  God did not play in tempting of me; neither did I play, when 
I sunk as into the bottomless pit, when the PANGS OF HELL CAUGHT 
HOLD UPON ME; wherefore I may not play in relating of them, but be 
plain and simple, and lay down the thing as it was; he that liketh 
it, let him receive it, and he that doth not, let him produce a 
better.  Farewell.

My dear Children,

THE MILK AND HONEY ARE BEYOND THIS WILDERNESS.  GOD BE MERCIFUL TO 
YOU, AND GRANT THAT YOU BE NOT SLOTHFUL TO GO IN TO POSSESS THE 
LAND.

JOHN BUNYAN.



GRACE ABOUNDING TO THE CHIEF OF SINNERS
OR,
A BRIEF RELATION OF THE EXCEEDING MERCY OF GOD IN CHRIST, TO HIS 
POOR SERVANT, JOHN BUNYAN


IN this my relation of the merciful working of God upon my soul, it 
will not be amiss, if in the first place, I do in a few words give 
you a hint of my pedigree, and manner of bringing up; that thereby 
the goodness and bounty of God towards me, may be the more advanced 
and magnified before the sons of men.

2.  For my descent then, it was, as is well known by many, of a low 
and inconsiderable generation; my father's house being of that rank 
that is meanest, and most despised of all the families in the land.  
Wherefore, I have not here, as others, to boast of noble blood, or 
of any high-born state, according to the flesh; though, all things 
considered, I magnify the heavenly Majesty, for that by this door 
He brought me into the world, to partake of the grace and life that 
is in Christ by the gospel.

3.  But yet, notwithstanding the meanness and inconsiderableness of 
my parents, it pleased God to put it into their hearts, to put me 
to school, to learn both to read and write; the which I also 
attained, according to the rate of other poor men's children:  
though, to my shame, I confess, I did soon lose that I had learned, 
even almost utterly, and that long before the Lord did work His 
gracious work of conversion upon my soul.

4.  As for my own natural life, for the time that I was without God 
in the world, it was, indeed, ACCORDING TO THE COURSE OF THIS WORLD 
AND THE SPIRIT THAT NOW WORKETH IN THE CHILDREN OF DISOBEDIENCE.  
Eph. ii. 2, 3.  It was my delight to be 'taken captive by the devil 
AT HIS WILL,' 2 Tim. ii. 26; being filled with all unrighteousness; 
the which did also so strongly work, and put forth itself, both in 
my heart and life, and that from a child, that I had but few equals 
(especially considering my years, which were tender, being but few) 
both for cursing, swearing, lying, and blaspheming the holy name of 
God.

5.  Yea, so settled and rooted was I in these things, that they 
became as a second nature to me; the which, as I have also with 
soberness considered since, did so offend the Lord, that even in my 
childhood he did scare and affrighten me with fearful dreams, and 
did terrify me with fearful visions.  For often, after I have spent 
this and the other day in sin, I have in my bed been greatly 
afflicted, while asleep, with the apprehensions of devils and 
wicked spirits, who still, as I then thought, laboured to draw me 
away with them, of which I could never be rid.

6.  Also I should, at these years, be greatly afflicted and 
troubled with the thoughts of the fearful torments of hell-fire; 
still fearing, that it would be my lot to be found at last among 
those devils and hellish fiends, who are there bound down with the 
chains and bonds of darkness, unto the judgment of the great day.

7.  These things, I say, when I was but a child, but nine or ten 
years old, did so distress my soul, that then in the midst of my 
many sports and childish vanities, amidst my vain companions, I was 
often much cast down, and afflicted in my mind therewith, yet could 
I not let go my sins:  yea, I was also then so overcome with 
despair of life and heaven, that I should often wish, either that 
there had been no hell, or that I had been a devil; supposing they 
were only tormentors; that if it must needs be, that I went 
thither, I might be rather a tormentor, than be tormented myself.

8.  A while after those terrible dreams did leave me, which also I 
soon forgot; for my pleasures did quickly cut off the remembrance 
of them, as if they had never been:  wherefore with more 
greediness, according to the strength of nature, I did still let 
loose the reins of my lust, and delighted in all transgressions 
against the law of God:  so that until I came to the state of 
marriage, I was the very ringleader of all the youth that kept me 
company, in all manner of vice and ungodliness.

9.  Yea, such prevalency had the lusts and fruits of the flesh in 
this poor soul of mine, that had not a miracle of precious grace 
prevented, I had not only perished by the stroke of eternal 
justice, but had also laid myself open, even to the stroke of those 
laws which bring some to disgrace and open shame before the face of 
the world.

10.  In these days the thoughts of religion were very grievous to 
me; I could neither endure it myself, nor that any other should; so 
that when I have seen some read in those books that concerned 
Christian piety, it would be as it were a prison to me.  THEN I 
SAID UNTO GOD, DEPART FROM ME, FOR I DESIRE NOT THE KNOWLEDGE OF 
THY WAYS.  Job xxi. 14, 15.  I was now void of all good 
consideration, heaven and hell were both out of sight and mind; and 
as for saving and damning, they were least in my thoughts.  O LORD, 
THOU KNOWEST MY LIFE, AND MY WAYS WERE NOT HID FROM THEE!

11.  But this I well remember, that though I could myself sin with 
the greatest delight and ease, and also take pleasure in the 
vileness of my companions; yet, even then, if I had at any time 
seen wicked things, by those who professed goodness, it would make 
my spirit tremble.  As once above all the rest, when I was in the 
height of vanity, yet hearing one to swear, that was reckoned for a 
religious man, it had so great a stroke upon my spirit, that it 
made my heart ache.

12.  But God did not utterly leave me, but followed me still, not 
now with convictions, but judgments; yet such as were mixed with 
mercy.  For once I fell into a creek of the sea, and hardly escaped 
drowning.  Another time I fell out of a boat into BEDFORD river, 
but, mercy yet preserved me alive:  besides, another time, being in 
a field, with one of my companions, it chanced that an adder passed 
over the highway, so I having a stick in my hand, struck her over 
the back; and having stunned her, I forced open her mouth with my 
stick, and plucked her sting out with my fingers; by which act had 
not God been merciful unto me, I might by my desperateness, have 
brought myself to my end.

13.  This also I have taken notice of, with thanksgiving:  When I 
was a soldier, I with others, were drawn out to go to such a place 
to besiege it; but when I was just ready to go, one of the company 
desired to go in my room:  to which, when I had consented, he took 
my place; and coming to the siege, as he stood sentinel, he was 
shot in the head with a musket-bullet and died.

14.  Here, as I said, were judgments and mercy, but neither of them 
did awaken my soul to righteousness; wherefore I sinned still, and 
grew more and more rebellious against God, and careless of my own 
salvation.

15.  Presently after this, I changed my condition into a married 
state, and my mercy was, to light upon a wife whose father was 
counted godly:  This woman and I, though we came together as poor 
as poor might be (not having so much household stuff as a dish or a 
spoon betwixt us both), yet this she had for her part:  THE PLAIN 
MAN'S PATHWAY TO HEAVEN and THE PRACTICE OF PIETY; which her father 
had left her when he died.  In these two books I would sometimes 
read with her, wherein I also found some things that were somewhat 
pleasing to me (but all this while I met with no conviction).  She 
also would be often telling of me what a godly man her father was, 
and how he would reprove and correct vice, both in his house, and 
among his neighbours; what a strict and holy life he lived in his 
days, both in word and deed.

16.  Wherefore these books, with this relation, though they did not 
reach my heart, to awaken it about my sad and sinful state, yet 
they did beget within me some desires to religion:  so that because 
I knew no better, I fell in very eagerly with the religion of the 
times; to wit, to go to church twice a day, and that too with the 
foremost; and there should very devoutly, both say and sing, as 
others did, yet retaining my wicked life; but withal, I was so 
over-run with the spirit of superstition, that I adored, and that 
with great devotion, even all things (both the high-place, priest, 
clerk, vestment, service, and what else) belonging to the church; 
counting all things holy that were therein contained, and 
especially, the priest and clerk most happy, and without doubt, 
greatly blessed, because they were the servants, as I then thought, 
of God, and were principal in the holy temple, to do His work 
therein.

17.  This conceit grew so strong in a little time upon my spirit, 
that had I but seen a priest (though never so sordid and debauched 
in his life), I should find my spirit fall under him, reverence 
him, and knit unto him; yea, I thought, for the love I did bear 
unto them (supposing them the ministers of God), I could have laid 
down at their feet, and have been trampled upon by them; their 
name, their garb, and work did so intoxicate and bewitch me.

18.  After I had been thus for some considerable time, another 
thought came in my mind; and that was, whether we were of the 
ISRAELITES or no?  For finding in the scripture that they were once 
the peculiar people of God, thought I, if I were one of this race, 
my soul must needs be happy.  Now again, I found within me a great 
longing to be resolved about this question, but could not tell how 
I should:  at last I asked my father of it; who told me, NO, WE 
WERE NOT.  Wherefore then I fell in my spirit, as to the hopes of 
that, and so remained.

19.  But all this while, I was not sensible of the danger and evil 
of sin; I was kept from considering that sin would damn me, what 
religion soever I followed, unless I was found in Christ:  nay, I 
never thought of Him, or whether there was such a One, or no.  THUS 
MAN, WHILE BLIND, DOTH WANDER, BUT WEARIETH HIMSELF WITH VANITY, 
FOR HE KNOWETH NOT THE WAY TO THE CITY OF GOD.  Eccles. x. 15.

20.  But one day (amongst all the sermons our parson made) his 
subject was, to treat of the Sabbath day, and of the evil of 
breaking that, either with labour, sports or otherwise.  (Now, I 
was, notwithstanding my religion, one that took much delight in all 
manner of vice, and especially that was the day that I did solace 
myself therewith):  wherefore I fell in my conscience under his 
sermon, thinking and believing that he made that sermon on purpose 
to show me my evil doing.  And at that time I felt what guilt was, 
though never before, that I can remember; but then I was, for the 
present, greatly loaden therewith, and so went home when the sermon 
was ended, with a great burthen upon my spirit.

21.  This, for that instant did benumb the sinews of my best 
delights, and did imbitter my former pleasures to me; but hold, it 
lasted not, for before I had well dined, the trouble began to go 
off my mind, and my heart returned to its old course:  but oh! how 
glad was I, that this trouble was gone from me, and that the fire 
was put out, that I might sin again without control!  Wherefore, 
when I had satisfied nature with my food, I shook the sermon out of 
my mind, and to my old custom of sports and gaming, I returned with 
great delight.

22.  But the same day, as I was in the midst of a game of Cat, and 
having struck it one blow from the hole, just as I was about to 
strike it the second time, a voice did suddenly dart from heaven 
into my soul, which said, WILT THOU LEAVE THY SINS AND GO TO 
HEAVEN, OR HAVE THY SINS AND GO TO HELL?  At this I was put to an 
exceeding maze; wherefore leaving my cat upon the ground, I looked 
up to heaven, and was, as if I had, with the eyes of my 
understanding, seen the Lord Jesus looking down upon me, as being 
very hotly displeased with me, and as if He did severely threaten 
me with some grievous punishment for these and other ungodly 
practices.

23.  I had no sooner thus conceived in my mind, but, suddenly, this 
conclusion was fastened on my spirit (for the former hint did set 
my sins again before my face), THAT I HAD BEEN A GREAT AND GRIEVOUS 
SINNER, AND THAT IT WAS NOW TOO LATE FOR ME TO LOOK AFTER HEAVEN; 
FOR CHRIST WOULD NOT FORGIVE ME, NOR PARDON MY TRANSGRESSIONS.  
Then I fell to musing on this also; and while I was thinking of it, 
and fearing lest it should be so; I felt my heart sink in despair, 
concluding it was too late; and therefore I resolved in my mind I 
would go on in sin:  for, thought I, if the case be thus, my state 
is surely miserable; miserable if I leave my sins, and but 
miserable if I follow them; I can but be damned, and if I must be 
so, I had as good be damned for many sins, as be damned for few.

24.  Thus I stood in the midst of my play, before all that then 
were present:  but yet I told them nothing:  but I say; having made 
this conclusion, I returned desperately to my sport again; and I 
well remember, that presently this kind of despair did so possess 
my soul, that I was persuaded I could never attain to other comfort 
than what I should get in sin; for heaven was gone already, so that 
on that I must not think; wherefore I found within me great desire 
to take my fill of sin, still studying what sin was yet to be 
committed, that I might taste the sweetness of it; and I made as 
much haste as I could to fill my belly with its delicates, lest I 
should die before I had my desire; for that I feared greatly.  In 
these things, I protest before God, I lye not, neither do I feign 
this form of speech; these were really, strongly, and with all my 
heart, my desires:  THE GOOD LORD, WHOSE MERCY IS UNSEARCHABLE, 
FORGIVE ME MY TRANSGRESSIONS!

25.  And I am very confident, that this temptation of the devil is 
more usual among poor creatures, than many are aware of, even to 
over-run the spirits with a scurvy and seared frame of heart, and 
benumbing of conscience, which frame he stilly and slily supplieth 
with such despair, that, though not much guilt attendeth souls, yet 
they continually have a secret conclusion within them, that there 
is no hope for them; FOR THEY HAVE LOVED SINS, THEREFORE AFTER THEM 
THEY WILL GO.  Jer. ii. 25, and xviii. 12.

26.  Now therefore I went on in sin with great greediness of mind, 
still grudging that I could not be so satisfied with it, as I 
would.  This did continue with me about a month, or more; but one 
day, as I was standing at a neighbour's shop window, and there 
cursing and swearing, and playing the madman, after my wonted 
manner, there sate within, the woman of the house, and heard me; 
who, though she also was a very loose and ungodly wretch, yet 
protested that I swore and cursed at that most fearful rate, that 
she was made to tremble to hear me; and told me further, THAT I WAS 
THE UNGODLIEST FELLOW FOR SWEARING, THAT SHE EVER HEARD IN ALL HER 
LIFE; AND THAT I, BY THUS DOING, WAS ABLE TO SPOIL ALL THE YOUTH IN 
THE WHOLE TOWN, IF THEY COME BUT IN MY COMPANY.

27.  At this reproof I was silenced, and put to secret shame; and 
that too, as I thought, before the God of heaven; wherefore, while 
I stood there, and hanging down my head, I wished with all my heart 
that I might be a little child again, that my father might learn me 
to speak without this wicked way of swearing; for, thought I, I am 
so accustomed to it, that it is in vain for me to think of a 
reformation; for I thought it could never be.

28.  But how it came to pass, I know not; I did from this time 
forward, so leave my swearing, that it was a great wonder to myself 
to observe it; and whereas before I knew not how to speak unless I 
put an oath before, and another behind, to make my words have 
authority; now I could, without it, speak better, and with more 
pleasantness than ever I could before.  All this while I knew not 
Jesus Christ, neither did I leave my sports and plays.

29.  But quickly after this, I fell into company with one poor man 
that made profession of religion; who, as I then thought, did talk 
pleasantly of the scriptures, and of the matters of religion; 
wherefore falling into some love and liking to what he said, I 
betook me to my Bible, and began to take great pleasure in reading, 
but especially with the historical part thereof; for as for Paul's 
Epistles, and such like scriptures, I could not away with them, 
being as yet ignorant, either of the corruptions of my nature, or 
of the want and worth of Jesus Christ to save me.

30.  Wherefore I fell to some outward reformation both in my words 
and life, and did set the commandments before me for my way to 
heaven; which commandments I also did strive to keep, and, as I 
thought, did keep them pretty well sometimes, and then I should 
have comfort; yet now and then should break one, and so afflict my 
conscience; but then I should repent, and say, I was sorry for it, 
and promise God to do better next time, and there get help again; 
for then I thought I pleased God as well as any man in ENGLAND.

31.  Thus I continued about a year; all which time our neighbours 
did take me to be a very godly man, a new and religious man, and 
did marvel much to see such a great and famous alteration in my 
life and manners; and indeed so it was, though yet I knew not 
Christ, nor grace, nor faith, nor hope; for, as I have well seen 
since, had I then died, my state had been most fearful.

32.  But, I say, my neighbours were amazed at this my great 
conversion, from prodigious profaneness, to something like a moral 
life; and truly, so they well might; for this my conversion was as 
great, as for Tom of Bethlehem to become a sober man.  Now 
therefore they began to praise, to commend, and to speak well of 
me, both to my face, and behind my back.  Now I was, as they said, 
become godly; now I was become a right honest man.  But oh! when I 
understood these were their words and opinions of me, it pleased me 
mighty well.  For, though as yet I was nothing but a poor painted 
hypocrite, yet, I loved to be talked of as one that was truly 
godly.  I was proud of my godliness, and indeed, I did all I did, 
either to be seen of, or to be well spoken of, by men:  and thus I 
continued for about a twelve-month, or more.

33.  Now you must know, that, before this, I had taken much delight 
in ringing, but my CONSCIENCE beginning to be tender, I thought 
such PRACTICE was but vain, and therefore forced myself to leave 
it; yet my mind hankered; wherefore I would go to the steeple-
house, and look on, though I durst not ring:  but I thought this 
did not become religion neither; yet I forced myself, and would 
look on still, but quickly after, I began to think, HOW IF ONE OF 
THE BELLS SHOULD FALL?  Then I chose to stand under a main beam, 
that lay overthwart the steeple, from side to side, thinking here I 
might stand sure; but then I should think again, should the bell 
fall with a swing, it might first hit the wall, and then, 
rebounding upon me, might kill me for all this beam; this made me 
stand in the steeple-door; and now, thought I, I am safe enough; 
for if the bell should now fall, I can slip out behind these thick 
walls, and so be preserved notwithstanding.

34.  So after this I would yet go to see them ring, but would not 
go any farther than the steeple-door; but then it came into my 
head, how if the steeple itself should fall?  And this thought (it 
may for aught I know) when I stood and looked on, did continually 
so shake my mind, that I durst not stand at the steeple-door any 
longer, but was forced to flee, for fear the steeple should fall 
upon my head.

35.  Another thing was, my dancing; I was a full year before I 
could quite leave that; but all this while, when I thought I kept 
this or that commandment, or did, by word or deed, anything that I 
thought was good, I had great peace in my conscience, and should 
think with myself, God cannot choose but be now pleased with me; 
yea, to relate it in mine own way, I thought no man in ENGLAND 
could please God better than I.

36.  But poor wretch as I was!  I was all this while ignorant of 
Jesus Christ; and going about to establish my own righteousness; 
and had perished therein, had not God in mercy showed me more of my 
state by nature.

37.  But upon a day, the good providence of God called me to 
BEDFORD, to work on my calling; and in one of the streets of that 
town, I came where there were three or four poor women sitting at a 
door, in the sun, talking about the things of God; and being now 
willing to hear them discourse, I drew near to hear what they said, 
for I was now a brisk talker also myself, in the matters of 
religion; but I may say, I HEARD BUT UNDERSTOOD NOT; for they were 
far above, out of my reach.  Their talk was about a new birth, the 
work of God on their hearts, also how they were convinced of their 
miserable state by nature; they talked how God had visited their 
souls with His love in the Lord Jesus, and with what words and 
promises they had been refreshed, comforted, and supported, against 
the temptations of the devil:  moreover, they reasoned of the 
suggestions and temptations of Satan in particular; and told to 
each other, by which they had been afflicted and how they were 
borne up under his assaults.  They also discoursed of their own 
wretchedness of heart, and of their unbelief; and did contemn, 
slight and abhor their own righteousness, as filthy, and 
insufficient to do them any good.

38.  And, methought, they spake as if joy did make them speak; they 
spake with such pleasantness of scripture language, and with such 
appearance of grace in all they said, that they were to me, as if 
they had found a new world; as if they were PEOPLE THAT DWELT 
ALONE, AND WERE NOT TO BE RECKONED AMONG THEIR NEIGHBOURS.  Numb. 
xxiii. 9.

39.  At this I felt my own heart began to shake, and mistrust my 
condition to be naught; for I saw that in all my thoughts about 
religion and salvation, the new-birth did never enter into my mind; 
neither knew I the comfort of the word and promise, nor the 
deceitfulness and treachery of my own wicked heart.  As for secret 
thoughts, I took no notice of them; neither did I understand what 
Satan's temptations were, nor how they were to be withstood, and 
resisted, etc.

40.  Thus, therefore, when I had heard and considered what they 
said, I left them, and went about my employment again, but their 
talk and discourse went with me; also my heart would tarry with 
them, for I was greatly affected with their words, both because by 
them I was convinced that I wanted the true tokens of a truly godly 
man, and also because by them I was convinced of the happy and 
blessed condition of him that was such a one.

41.  Therefore I should often make it my business to be going again 
and again into the company of these poor people; for I could not 
stay away; and the more I went amongst them, the more I did 
question my condition; and as I still do remember, presently I 
found two things within me, at which I did sometimes marvel 
(especially considering what a blind, ignorant, sordid and ungodly 
wretch but just before I was).  The one was a very great softness 
and tenderness of heart, which caused me to fall under the 
conviction of what by scripture they asserted, and the other was a 
great bending in my mind, to a continual meditating on it, and on 
all other good things, which at any time I heard or read of.

42.  By these things my mind was now so turned, that it lay like an 
horse-leech at the vein, still crying out, GIVE, GIVE, Prov. xxx. 
15; yea, it was so fixed on eternity, and on the things about the 
kingdom of heaven (that is, so far as I knew, though as yet, God 
knows, I knew but little), that neither pleasures, nor profits, nor 
persuasions, nor threats, could loose it, or make it let go its 
hold; and though I may speak it with shame, yet it is in very deed, 
a certain truth, it would then have been as difficult for me to 
have taken my mind from heaven to earth, as I have found it often 
since, to get again from earth to heaven.

43.  One thing I may not omit:  There was a young man in our town, 
to whom my heart before was knit, more than to any other, but he 
being a most wicked creature for cursing, and swearing, and 
whoreing, I now shook him off, and forsook his company; but about a 
quarter of a year after I had left him, I met him in a certain 
lane, and asked him how he did:  he, after his old swearing and mad 
way, answered, he was well.  But, Harry, said I, WHY DO YOU CURSE 
AND SWEAR THUS?  WHAT WILL BECOME OF YOU, IF YOU DIE IN THIS 
CONDITION?  He answered me in a great chafe, WHAT WOULD THE DEVIL 
DO FOR COMPANY, IF IT WERE NOT FOR SUCH AS I AM?

44.  About this time I met with some Ranters' books, that were put 
forth by some of our countrymen, which books were also highly in 
esteem by several old professors; some of these I read, but was not 
able to make any judgment about them; wherefore as I read in them, 
and thought upon them (seeing myself unable to judge), I would 
betake myself to hearty prayer in this manner.  O LORD, I AM A 
FOOL, AND NOT ABLE TO KNOW THE TRUTH FROM ERROR:  LORD, LEAVE ME 
NOT TO MY OWN BLINDNESS, EITHER TO APPROVE OF OR CONDEMN THIS 
DOCTRINE; IF IT BE OF GOD, LET ME NOT DESPISE IT; IF IT BE OF THE 
DEVIL, LET ME NOT EMBRACE IT.  LORD, I LAY MY SOUL IN THIS MATTER 
ONLY AT THY FOOT, LET ME NOT BE DECEIVED, I HUMBLY BESEECH THEE.  I 
had one religious intimate companion all this while, and that was 
the poor man I spoke of before; but about this time, he also turned 
a most devilish Ranter, and gave himself up to all manner of 
filthiness, especially uncleanness:  he would also deny that there 
was a God, angel, or spirit; and would laugh at all exhortations to 
sobriety; when I laboured to rebuke his wickedness he would laugh 
the more, and pretend that he had gone through all religions, and 
could never light on the right till now.  He told me also, that in 
a little time I should see all professors turn to the ways of the 
Ranters.  Wherefore, abominating those cursed principles, I left 
his company forthwith, and became to him as great a stranger, as I 
had been before a familiar.

45.  Neither was this man only a temptation to me, but my calling 
lying in the country, I happened to light into several people's 
company, who though strict in religion formerly, yet were also 
swept away by these Ranters.  These would also talk with me of 
their ways, and condemn me as legal and dark; pretending that they 
only had attained to perfection, that could do what they would and 
not sin.  Oh! these temptations were suitable to my flesh, I being 
but a young man and my nature in its prime; but God, who had, as I 
hoped, designed me for better things, kept me in the fear of His 
name, and did not suffer me to accept such cursed principles.  And 
blessed be God, Who put it into my heart to cry to Him to be kept 
and directed, still distrusting my own wisdom; for I have since 
seen even the effects of that prayer, in His preserving me, not 
only from Ranting errors, but from those also that have sprung up 
since.  The Bible was precious to me in those days.

46.  And now methought, I began to look into the Bible with new 
eyes, and read as I never did before, and especially the epistles 
of the apostle St Paul were sweet and pleasant to me; and indeed I 
was then never out of the Bible, either by reading or meditation; 
still crying out to God, that I might know the truth, and way to 
heaven and glory.

47.  And as I went on and read, I lighted upon that passage, TO ONE 
IS GIVEN, BY THE SPIRIT, THE WORD OF WISDOM; TO ANOTHER THE WORD 
KNOWLEDGE BY THE SAME SPIRIT; AND TO ANOTHER FAITH, etc.  1 Cor. 
xii.  And though, as I have since seen, that by this scripture the 
Holy Ghost intends, in special, things extraordinary, yet on me it 
did then fasten with conviction, that I did want things ordinary, 
even that understanding and wisdom that other Christians had.  On 
this word I mused, and could not tell what to do, especially this 
word 'Faith' put me to it, for I could not help it, but sometimes 
must question, whether I had any faith, or no; but I was loath to 
conclude, I had no faith; for if I do so, thought I, then I shall 
count myself a very cast-away indeed.

48.  No, said I, with myself, though I am convinced that I am an 
ignorant sot, and that I want those blessed gifts of knowledge and 
understanding that other people have; yet at a venture I will 
conclude, I am not altogether faithless, though I know not what 
faith is; for it was shewn me, and that too (as I have seen since) 
by Satan, that those who conclude themselves in a faithless state, 
have neither rest nor quiet in their souls; and I was loath to fall 
quite into despair.

49.  Wherefore by this suggestion I was, for a while, made afraid 
to see my want of faith; but God would not suffer me thus to undo 
and destroy my soul, but did continually, against this my sad and 
blind conclusion, create still within me such suppositions, 
insomuch that I could not rest content, until I did now come to 
some certain knowledge, whether I had faith or no, this always 
running in my mind, BUT HOW IF YOU WANT FAITH INDEED?  BUT HOW CAN 
YOU TELL YOU HAVE FAITH?  And besides, I saw for certain, if I had 
not, I was sure to perish for ever.

50.  So that though I endeavoured at the first to look over the 
business of Faith, yet in a little time, I better considering the 
matter, was willing to put myself upon the trial whether I had 
faith or no.  But alas, poor wretch! so ignorant and brutish was I, 
that I knew not to this day no more how to do it, than I know how 
to begin and accomplish that rare and curious piece of art, which I 
never yet saw or considered.

51.  Wherefore while I was thus considering, and being put to my 
plunge about it (for you must know, that as yet I had in this 
matter broken my mind to no man, only did hear and consider), the 
tempter came in with this delusion, THAT THERE WAS NO WAY FOR ME TO 
KNOW I HAD FAITH, BUT BY TRYING TO WORK SOME MIRACLE; urging those 
scriptures that seem to look that way, for the enforcing and 
strengthening his temptation.  Nay, one day, as I was between 
ELSTOW and BEDFORD, the temptation was hot upon me, to try if I had 
faith, by doing some miracle; which miracle at this time was this, 
I must say to the PUDDLES that were in the horsepads, BE DRY; and 
to the DRY PLACES, BE YOU PUDDLES:  and truly one time I was going 
to say so indeed; but just as I was about to speak, this thought 
came into my mind; BUT GO UNDER YONDER HEDGE AND PRAY FIRST, THAT 
GOD WOULD MAKE YOU ABLE.  But when I had concluded to pray, this 
came hot upon me; That if I prayed, and came again and tried to do 
it, and yet did nothing notwithstanding, then to be sure I had no 
faith, but was a cast-away, and lost; nay, thought I, if it be so, 
I will not try yet, but will stay a little longer.

52.  So I continued at a great loss; for I thought, if they only 
had faith, which could do so wonderful things, then I concluded, 
that for the present I neither had it, nor yet for the time to 
come, were ever like to have it.  Thus I was tossed betwixt the 
devil and my own ignorance, and so perplexed, especially at some 
times, that I could not tell what to do.

53.  About this time, the state and happiness of these poor people 
at Bedford was thus, IN A KIND OF A VISION, presented to me, I saw 
as if they were on the sunny side of some high mountain, there 
refreshing themselves with the pleasant beams of the sun, while I 
was shivering and shrinking in the cold, afflicted with frost, snow 
and dark clouds:  methought also, betwixt me and them, I saw a wall 
that did compass about this mountain, now through this wall my soul 
did greatly desire to pass; concluding, that if I could, I would 
even go into the very midst of them, and there also comfort myself 
with the heat of their sun.

54.  About this wall I bethought myself, to go again and again, 
still prying as I went, to see if I could find some way or passage, 
by which I might enter therein:  but none could I find for some 
time:  at the last, I saw, as it were, a narrow gap, like a little 
door-way in the wall, through which I attempted to pass:  Now the 
passage being very strait and narrow, I made many offers to get in, 
but all in vain, even until I was well-nigh quite beat out, by 
striving to get in; at last, with great striving, methought I at 
first did get in my head, and after that, by a sideling striving, 
my shoulders, and my whole body; then I was exceeding glad, went 
and sat down in the midst of them, and so was comforted with the 
light and heat of their sun.

55.  Now this mountain, and wall, etc., was thus made out to me:  
The mountain signified the church of the living God:  the sun that 
shone thereon, the comfortable shining of His merciful face on them 
that were therein; the wall I thought was the word, that did make 
separation between the Christians and the world; and the gap which 
was in the wall, I thought, was Jesus Christ, Who is the way to God 
the Father.  John xiv. 6; Matt. vii. 14.  But forasmuch as the 
passage was wonderful narrow, even so narrow that I could not, but 
with great difficulty, enter in thereat, it showed me, that none 
could enter into life, but those that were in downright earnest, 
and unless also they left that wicked world behind them; for here 
was only room for body and soul, but not for body and soul and sin.

56.  This resemblance abode upon my spirit many days; all which 
time I saw myself in a forlorn and sad condition, but yet was 
provoked to a vehement hunger and desire to be one of that number 
that did sit in the sunshine:  Now also I should pray wherever I 
was:  whether at home or abroad; in house or field; and would also 
often, with lifting up of heart, sing that of the fifty-first 
Psalm, O LORD, CONSIDER MY DISTRESS; for as yet I knew not where I 
was.

57.  Neither as yet could I attain to any comfortable persuasion 
that I had faith in Christ; but instead of having satisfaction 
here, I began to find my soul to be assaulted with fresh doubts 
about my future happiness; especially with such as these, WHETHER I 
WAS ELECTED?  BUT HOW, IF THE DAY OF GRACE SHOULD NOW BE PAST AND 
GONE?

58.  By these two temptations I was very much afflicted and 
disquieted; sometimes by one, and sometimes by the other of them.  
And first, to speak of that about my questioning my election, I 
found at this time, that though I was in a flame to find the way to 
heaven and glory, and though nothing could beat me off from this, 
yet this question did so offend and discourage me, that I was, 
especially sometimes, as if the very strength of my body also had 
been taken away by the force and power thereof.  This scripture did 
also seem to me to trample upon all my desires; IT IS NOT OF HIM 
THAT WILLETH, NOR OF HIM THAT RUNNETH; BUT OF GOD THAT SHOWETH 
MERCY.  Rom. ix. 16.

59.  With this scripture I could not tell what to do:  for I 
evidently saw, unless that the great God, of His infinite grace and 
bounty, had voluntarily chosen me to be a vessel of mercy, though I 
should desire, and long, and labour until my heart did break, no 
good could come of it.  Therefore this would stick with me, HOW CAN 
YOU TELL THAT YOU ARE ELECTED?  AND WHAT IF YOU SHOULD NOT?  HOW 
THEN?

60.  O Lord, thought I, what if I should not indeed?  It may be you 
are not, said the Tempter; it may be so indeed, thought I.  Why 
then, said Satan, you had as good leave off, and strive no farther; 
for if indeed, you should not be elected and chosen of God, there 
is no talk of your being saved; FOR IT IS NOT OF HIM THAT WILLETH, 
NOR OF HIM THAT RUNNETH; BUT OF GOD THAT SHOWETH MERCY.

61.  By these things I was driven to my wits' end, not knowing what 
to say, or how to answer these temptations:  (indeed, I little 
thought that Satan had thus assaulted me, but that rather it was my 
own prudence thus to start the question):  for that the elect only 
attained eternal life; that, I without scruple did heartily close 
withal; but that myself was one of them, there lay the question.

62.  Thus therefore, for several days, I was greatly assaulted and 
perplexed, and was often, when I have been walking, ready to sink 
where I went, with faintness in my mind; but one day, after I had 
been so many weeks oppressed and cast down therewith as I was now 
quite giving up the ghost of all my hopes of ever attaining life, 
that sentence fell with weight upon my spirit, LOOK AT THE 
GENERATIONS OF OLD, AND SEE; DID EVER ANY TRUST IN GOD, AND WERE 
CONFOUNDED?

63.  At which I was greatly lightened, and encouraged in my soul; 
for thus, at that very instant, it was expounded to me:  BEGIN AT 
THE BEGINNING OF GENESIS, AND READ TO THE END OF THE REVELATIONS, 
AND SEE IF YOU CAN FIND, THAT THERE WERE EVER ANY THAT TRUSTED IN 
THE LORD, AND WERE CONFOUNDED.  So coming home, I presently went to 
my Bible, to see if I could find that saying, not doubting but to 
find it presently; for it was so fresh, and with such strength and 
comfort on my spirit, that it was as if it talked with me.

64.  Well, I looked, but I found it not; only it abode upon me:  
Then did I ask first this good man, and then another, if they knew 
where it was, but they knew no such place.  At this I wondered, 
that such a sentence should so suddenly, and with such comfort and 
strength, seize, and abide upon my heart; and yet that none could 
find it (for I doubted not but that it was in holy scripture).

65.  Thus I continued above a year, and could not find the place; 
but at last, casting my eye upon the APOCRYPHA books, I found it in 
ECCLESIASTICUS, Eccles. ii. 10.  This, at the first, did somewhat 
daunt me; but because by this time I had got more experience of the 
love and kindness of God, it troubled me the less, especially when 
I considered that though it was not in those texts that we call 
holy and canonical; yet forasmuch as this sentence was the sum and 
substance of many of the promises, it was my duty to take the 
comfort of it; and I bless God for that word, for it was of God to 
me:  that word doth still at times shine before my face.

66.  After this, that other doubt did come with  strength upon me, 
BUT HOW IF THE DAY OF GRACE SHOULD BE PAST AND GONE?  How if you 
have overstood the time of mercy?  Now I remember that one day, as 
I was walking in the country, I was much in the thoughts of this, 
BUT HOW IF THE DAY OF GRACE IS PAST?  And to aggravate my trouble, 
the Tempter presented to my mind those good people of BEDFORD, and 
suggested thus unto me, that these being converted already, they 
were all that God would save in those parts; and that I came too 
late, for these had got the blessing before I came.

67.  Now I was in great distress, thinking in very deed that this 
might well be so; wherefore I went up and down, bemoaning my sad 
condition; counting myself far worse than a thousand fools for 
standing off thus long, and spending so many years in sin as I had 
done; still crying out, Oh! that I had turned sooner!  Oh! that I 
had turned seven years ago!  It made me also angry with myself, to 
think that I should have no more wit, but to trifle away my time, 
till my soul and heaven were lost.

68.  But when I had been long vexed with this fear, and was scarce 
able to take one step more, just about the same place where I 
received my other encouragement, these words broke in upon my mind, 
COMPEL THEM TO COME IN, THAT MY HOUSE MAY BE FILLED; AND YET THERE 
IS ROOM.  Luke xiv. 22, 23.  These words, but especially those, AND 
YET THERE IS ROOM, were sweet words to me; for truly I thought that 
by them I saw there was place enough in heaven for me; and 
moreover, that when the Lord Jesus did speak these words, He then 
did think of me:  and that He knowing that the time would come, 
that I should be afflicted with fear, that there was no place left 
for me in His bosom, did before speak this word, and leave it upon 
record, that I might find help thereby against this vile 
temptation.  This I then verily believed.

69.  In the light and encouragement of this word I went a pretty 
while; and the comfort was the more, when I thought that the Lord 
Jesus should think on me so long ago, and that He should speak 
those words on purpose for my sake; for I did think verily, that He 
did on purpose speak them to encourage me withal.

70.  But I was not without my temptations to go back again; 
temptations I say, both from Satan, mine own heart, and carnal 
acquaintance; but I thank God these were outweighed by that sound 
sense of death, and of the day of judgment, which abode, as it 
were, continually in my view:  I would often also think on 
NEBUCHADNEZZAR; of whom it is said, HE HAD GIVEN HIM ALL THE 
KINGDOMS OF THE EARTH.  Dan. v. 18, 19.  Yet, thought I, if this 
great man had all his portion in this world, one hour in hell-fire 
would make him forget all.  Which consideration was a great help to 
me.

71.  I was also made, about this time, to see something concerning 
the beasts that MOSES counted clean and unclean:  I thought those 
beasts were types of men; the CLEAN, types of them that were the 
people of God; but the UNCLEAN, types of such as were the children 
of the wicked one.  Now I read, that the clean beasts CHEWED THE 
CUD; that is, thought I, they show us, we must feed upon the word 
of God:  they also PARTED THE HOOF.  I thought that signified, we 
must part, if we would be saved, with the ways of ungodly men.  And 
also, in further reading about them, I found, that though we did 
chew the cud, as the HARE; yet if we walked with claws, like a dog; 
or if we did part the hoof, like the SWINE, yet if we did not chew 
the cud, as the sheep, we were still, for all that, but unclean:  
for I thought the HARE to be a type of those that talk of the word, 
yet walk in the ways of sin; and that the SWINE was like him that 
parted with his outward pollutions, but still wanteth the word of 
faith, without which there could be no way of salvation, let a man 
be never so devout.  Deut. xiv.  After this, I found by reading the 
word, that those that must be glorified with Christ in another 
world MUST BE CALLED BY HIM HERE; called to the partaking of a 
share in His word and righteousness, and to the comforts and first-
fruits of His Spirit; and to a peculiar interest in all those 
heavenly things, which do indeed prepare the soul for that rest, 
and house of glory, which is in heaven above.

72.  Here again I was at a very I great stand, not knowing what to 
do, fearing I was not called; for, thought I, if I be not called, 
what then can do me good?  None but those who are effectually 
called inherit the kingdom of heaven.  But oh! how I now loved 
those words that spake of a CHRISTIAN'S CALLING! as when the Lord 
said to one, FOLLOW ME; and to another, COME AFTER ME:  and oh, 
thought I, that He would say so to me too:  how gladly would I run 
after Him!

73.  I cannot now express with what longings and breathings in my 
soul, I cried to Christ to call me.  Thus I continued for a time, 
all on a flame to be converted to Jesus Christ; and did also see at 
that day, such glory in a converted state, that I could not be 
contented without a share therein.  Gold! could it have been gotten 
for gold, what would I have given for it?  Had I had a whole world, 
it had all gone ten thousand times over for this, that my soul 
might have been in a converted state.

74.  How lovely now was every one in my eyes, that I thought to be 
converted men and women.  They shone, they walked like a people 
that carried the broad seal of heaven about them.  Oh! I saw the 
lot was fallen to them in pleasant places, and they had a goodly 
heritage.  Psalm xvi.  But that which made me sick, was that of 
Christ, in St Mark, HE GOETH UP INTO A MOUNTAIN, AND CALLETH UNTO 
HIM WHOM HE WOULD, AND THEY CAME UNTO HIM.  Mark iii. 13.

75.  This scripture made me faint and fear, yet it kindled fire in 
my soul.  That which made me fear, was this; lest Christ should 
have no liking to me, for He called WHOM HE WOULD.  But oh! the 
glory that I saw in that condition, did still so engage my heart, 
that I could seldom read of any that Christ did call, but I 
presently wished, WOULD I HAD BEEN IN THEIR CLOTHES, WOULD I HAD 
BEEN BORN PETER; WOULD I HAD BEEN BORN JOHN; OR, WOULD I HAD BEEN 
BY AND HAD HEARD HIM WHEN HE CALLED THEM, HOW WOULD I HAVE CRIED, O 
LORD, CALL ME ALSO!  BUT, OH!  I FEARED HE WOULD NOT CALL ME.

76.  And truly, the Lord let me go thus many months together, and 
shewed me nothing; either that I was already, or should be called 
hereafter:  but at last after much time spent, and many groans to 
God, that I might be made partaker of the holy and heavenly 
calling; that word came in upon me:  I WILL CLEANSE THEIR BLOOD, 
THAT I HAVE NOT CLEANSED, FOR THE LORD DWELLETH IN ZION.  Joel iii. 
21.  These words I thought were sent to encourage me to wait still 
upon God; and signified unto me, that if I were not already, yet 
time might come, I might be in truth converted unto Christ.

77.  About this time I began to break my mind to those poor people 
in BEDFORD, and to tell them my condition; which when they had 
heard, they told Mr Gifford of me, who himself also took occasion 
to talk with me, and was willing to be well persuaded of me, though 
I think from little grounds:  but he invited me to his house, where 
I should hear him confer with others, about the dealings of God 
with their souls; from all which I still received more conviction, 
and from that time began to see something of the vanity and inward 
wretchedness of my wicked heart; for as yet I knew no great matter 
therein; but now it began to be discovered unto me, and also to 
work at that rate as it never did before.  Now I evidently found, 
that lusts and corruptions put forth themselves within me, in 
wicked thoughts and desires, which I did not regard before; my 
desires also for heaven and life began to fail; I found also, that 
whereas before my soul was full of longing after God, now it began 
to hanker after every foolish vanity; yea, my heart would not be 
moved to mind that which was good; it began to be careless, both of 
my soul and heaven; it would now continually hang back, both to, 
and in every duty; and was as a clog on the leg of a bird, to 
hinder me from flying.

78.  Nay, thought I, now I grow worse and worse:  now I am farther 
from conversion than ever I was before.  Wherefore I began to sink 
greatly in my soul, and began to entertain such discouragement in 
my heart, as laid me as low as hell.  If now I should have burned 
at the stake, I could not believe that Christ had love for me:  
alas!  I could neither hear Him, nor see Him, nor feel Him, nor 
favour any of His things; I was driven as with a tempest, my heart 
would be unclean, and the CANAANITES would dwell in the land.

79.  Sometimes I would tell my condition to the people of God; 
which, when they heard, they would pity me, and would tell me of 
the promises; but they had as good have told me, that I must reach 
the sun with my finger, as have bidden me receive or rely upon the 
promises:  and as soon I should have done it.  All my sense and 
feeling were against me; and I saw I had an heart that would sin, 
and that lay under a law that would condemn.

80.  These things have often made me think of the child which the 
father brought to Christ, WHO, WHILE HE WAS YET COMING TO HIM, WAS 
THROWN DOWN BY THE DEVIL, AND ALSO SO RENT AND TORN BY HIM, THAT HE 
LAY DOWN AND WALLOWED, FOAMING.  Luke ix. 42; Mark ix. 20.

81.  Further, in these days, I would find my heart to shut itself 
up against the Lord, and against His holy word:  I have found my 
unbelief to set, as it were, the shoulder to the door, to keep Him 
out; and that too even then, when I have with many a bitter sigh, 
cried, Good Lord, break it open:  LORD, BREAK THESE GATES OF BRASS, 
AND CUT THESE BARS OF IRON ASUNDER.  Psalm cvii. 16.  Yet that word 
would sometimes create in my heart a peaceable pause, I GIRDED 
THEE, THOUGH THOU HAST NOT KNOWN ME.  Isaiah xlv. 5.

82.  But all this while, as to the act of sinning, I was never more 
tender than now:  my hinder parts were inward:  I durst not take a 
pin or stick, though but so big as a straw; for my conscience now 
was sore, and would smart at every touch:  I could not now tell how 
to speak my words, for fear I should misplace them.  Oh, how 
gingerly did I then go, in all I did or said!  I found myself as on 
a miry bog, that shook if I did but stir, and was, as there, left 
both of God and Christ, and the Spirit, and all good things.

83.  But I observed, though I was such a great sinner before 
conversion, yet God never much charged the guilt of the sins of my 
ignorance upon me; only He showed me, I was lost if I had not 
Christ, because I had been a sinner:  I saw that I wanted a perfect 
righteousness to present me without fault before God, and this 
righteousness was no where to be found, but in the Person of Jesus 
Christ.

84.  But my original and inward pollution; That, that was my plague 
and affliction, that I saw at a dreadful rate, always putting forth 
itself within me; that I had the guilt of, to amazement; by reason 
of that, I was more loathsome in mine own eyes than was a toad, and 
I thought I was so in God's eyes too:  Sin and corruption, I said, 
would as naturally bubble out of my heart, as water would bubble 
out of a fountain:  I thought now, that every one had a better 
heart than I had; I could have changed heart with any body; I 
thought none but the devil himself could equalise me for inward 
wickedness and pollution of mind.  I fell therefore at the sight of 
my own vileness deeply into despair; for I concluded, that this 
condition that I was in, could not stand with a state of grace.  
Sure, thought I, I am forsaken of God; sure, I am given up to the 
devil, and to a reprobate mind:  and thus I continued a long while, 
even for some years together.

85.  While I was thus afflicted with the fears of my own damnation, 
there were two things would make me wonder; the one was, when I saw 
old people hunting after the things of this life, as if they should 
live here always:  the other was, when I found professors much 
distressed and cast down, when they met with outward losses; as of 
husband, wife, child, etc.  Lord, thought I, what a-do is here 
about such little things as these!  What seeking after carnal 
things, by some, and what grief in others for the loss of them! if 
they so much labour after, and shed so many tears for the things of 
this present life, how am I to be bemoaned, pitied, and prayed for!  
My soul is dying, my soul is damning.  Were my soul but in a good 
condition, and were I but sure of it, ah! how rich should I esteem 
myself, though blessed but with bread and water!  I should count 
those but small afflictions, and should bear them as little 
burthens.  A WOUNDED SPIRIT WHO CAN BEAR!

86. And though I was much troubled, and tossed, and afflicted, with 
the sight and sense and terror of my own wickedness, yet I was 
afraid to let this sight and sense go quite off my mind:  that 
unless guilt of conscience was taken off the right way, that is, by 
the blood of Christ a man grew rather worse for the loss of his 
trouble of mind, than better.  Wherefore, if my guilt lay hard upon 
me, then I should cry that the blood of Christ might take it off:  
and if it was going off without it (for the sense of sin would be 
sometimes as if it would die, and go quite away), then I would also 
strive to fetch it upon my heart again, by bringing the punishment 
of sin in hell fire upon my spirit; and should cry, LORD, LET IT 
NOT GO OFF MY HEART, BUT THE RIGHT WAY, BY THE BLOOD OF CHRIST, AND 
THE APPLICATION OF THY MERCY, THROUGH HIM, TO MY SOUL, for that 
scripture lay much upon me, WITHOUT SHEDDING OF BLOOD IS NO 
REMISSION.  Heb. ix. 22.  And that which made me the more afraid of 
this, was, because I had seen some, who though when they were under 
wounds of conscience, would cry and pray; yet seeking rather 
present ease from their trouble, than pardon for their sin, cared 
not how they lost their guilt, so they got it out of their mind:  
now, having got it off the wrong way, it was not sanctified unto 
them; but they grew harder and blinder, and more wicked after their 
trouble.  This made me afraid, and made me cry to God the more, 
that it might not be so with me.

87.  And now I was sorry that God had made me man, for I feared I 
was a reprobate; I counted man as unconverted, the most doleful of 
all the creatures.  Thus being afflicted and tossed about my sad 
condition, I counted myself alone, and above the most of men 
unblessed.

88.  Yea, I thought it impossible that ever I should attain to so 
much goodness of heart, as to thank God that He had made me a man.  
Man indeed is the most noble by creation, of all creatures in the 
visible world; but by sin he has made himself the most ignoble.  
The beasts, birds, fishes, etc.  I blessed their condition; for 
they had not a sinful nature; they were not obnoxious to the wrath 
of God; they were not to go to hell-fire after death; I could 
therefore have rejoiced, had my condition been as any of theirs.

89.  In this condition I went a great while, but when comforting 
time was come, I heard one preach a sermon on these words in the 
song, Song iv. 1, BEHOLD, THOU ART FAIR, MY LOVE, BEHOLD, THOU ART 
FAIR.  But at that time he made these two words, MY LOVE, his chief 
and subject matter:  from which, after he had a little opened the 
text, he observed these several conclusions:  1. THAT THE CHURCH, 
AND SO EVERY SAVED SOUL, IS CHRIST'S LOVE, WHEN LOVELESS.  2. 
CHRIST'S LOVE WITHOUT A CAUSE.  3. CHRIST'S LOVE, WHEN HATED OF THE 
WORLD.  4. CHRIST'S LOVE, WHEN UNDER TEMPTATION AND UNDER 
DESTRUCTION.  5. CHRIST'S LOVE, FROM FIRST TO LAST.

90.  But I got nothing by what he said at present; only when he 
came to the application of the fourth particular, this was the word 
he said; IF IT BE SO, THAT THE SAVED SOUL IS CHRIST'S LOVE, WHEN 
UNDER TEMPTATION AND DESERTION; THEN POOR TEMPTED SOUL, WHEN THOU 
ART ASSAULTED, AND AFFLICTED WITH TEMPTATIONS, AND THE HIDINGS OF 
GOD'S FACE, YET THINK ON THESE TWO WORDS, 'My love,'  STILL.

91.  So as I was going home, these words came again into my 
thoughts; and I well remember, as they came in, I said thus in my 
heart, WHAT SHALL I GET BY THINKING ON THESE TWO WORDS?  This 
thought had no sooner passed through my heart, but these words 
began thus to kindle in my spirit, THOU ART MY LOVE, THOU ART MY 
DOVE, twenty times together; and still as they ran in my mind, they 
waxed stronger and warmer, and began to make me look up; but being 
as yet, between hope and fear, I still replied in my heart, BUT IS 
IT TRUE, BUT IS IT TRUE?  At which that sentence fell upon me, HE 
WIST NOT THAT IT WAS TRUE, WHICH WAS DONE BY THE ANGEL.  Acts xii. 
9.

92.  Then I began to give place to the word which with power, did 
over and over make this joyful sound within my soul, 'THOU ART MY 
LOVE, THOU ART MY LOVE, AND NOTHING SHALL SEPARATE THEE FROM MY 
LOVE.  And with that my heart was filled full of comfort and hope, 
and now I could believe that my sins should be forgiven me; yea, I 
was now so taken with the love and mercy of God, that I remember I 
could not tell how to contain till I got home:  I thought I could 
have spoken of His love, and have told of His mercy to me, even to 
the very crows, that sat upon the ploughed lands before me, had 
they been capable to have understood me:  wherefore I said in my 
soul, with much gladness, WELL, I WOULD I HAD A PEN AND INK HERE, I 
WOULD WRITE THIS DOWN BEFORE I GO ANY FARTHER; FOR SURELY I WILL 
NOT FORGET THIS FORTY YEARS HENCE.  But, alas! within less than 
forty days I began to question all again; which made me begin to 
question all still.

93.  Yet still at times I was helped to believe, that it was a true 
manifestation of grace unto my soul, though I had lost much of the 
life and favour of it.  Now about a week or a fortnight after this 
I was much followed by this scripture, SIMON, SIMON; BEHOLD, SATAN 
HATH DESIRED TO HAVE YOU, Luke xxii. 31, and sometimes it would 
sound so loud within me, yea, and as it was, call so strongly after 
me, that once, above all the rest, I turned my head over my 
shoulder, thinking verily that some man had behind me, called me; 
being at a great distance, methought he called so loud:  it came, 
as I have thought since, to have stirred me up to prayer, and to 
watchfulness:  it came to acquaint me, that a cloud and a storm was 
coming down upon me:  but I understood it not.

94.  Also, as I remember, that time that it called to me so loud, 
was the last time that it sounded in mine ears; but me thinks I 
hear still with what a loud voice these words, SIMON, SIMON, 
sounded in mine ears.  I thought verily, as I have told you, that 
somebody had called after me, that was half a mile behind me:  and 
although that was not my name, yet it made me suddenly look behind 
me, believing that he that called so loud, meant me.

95.  But so foolish was I, and ignorant, that I knew not the reason 
of this sound; (which as I did both see and feel soon after, was 
sent from heaven as an alarm, to awaken me to provide for what was 
coming,) only I should muse and wonder in my mind, to think what 
should be the reason of this scripture, and that at this rate, so 
often and so loud, should still be sounding and rattling in mine 
ears:  but, as I said before, I soon after perceived the end of God 
therein.

96.  For, about the space of a month after, a very great storm came 
down upon me, which handled me twenty times worse than all I had 
met with before; it came stealing upon me, now by one piece, then 
by another:  First, all my comfort was taken from me; then darkness 
seized upon me; after which, whole floods of blasphemies, both 
against God, Christ, and the scriptures, were poured upon my 
spirit, to my great confusion and astonishment.  These blasphemous 
thoughts were such as stirred up questions in me against the very 
being of God, and of His only beloved Son:  As, whether there were 
in truth, a God or Christ?  And whether the holy scriptures were 
not rather a fable, and cunning story, than the holy and pure word 
of God?

97.  The tempter would also much assault me with this, HOW CAN YOU 
TELL BUT THAT THE Turks HAD AS GOOD SCRIPTURES TO PROVE THEIR 
Mahomet THE SAVIOUR, AS WE HAVE TO PROVE OUR JESUS IS?  AND, COULD 
I THINK, THAT SO MANY TEN THOUSANDS, IN SO MANY COUNTRIES AND 
KINGDOMS, SHOULD BE WITHOUT THE KNOWLEDGE OF THE RIGHT WAY TO 
HEAVEN, (IF THERE WERE INDEED A HEAVEN); AND THAT WE ONLY, WHO LIVE 
IN A CORNER OF THE EARTH, SHOULD ALONE BE BLESSED THEREWITH?  EVERY 
ONE DOTH THINK HIS OWN RELIGION RIGHTEST, BOTH Jews AND Moors, AND 
Pagans; AND HOW IF ALL OUR FAITH, AND CHRIST, AND SCRIPTURES, 
SHOULD BE BUT A THINK SO TOO?

98.  Sometimes I have endeavoured to argue against these 
suggestions, and to set some of the sentences of blessed PAUL 
against them; but alas! I quickly felt, when I thus did, such 
arguings as these would return again upon me, THOUGH WE MADE SO 
GREAT A MATTER OF PAUL, AND OF HIS WORDS, YET HOW COULD I TELL, BUT 
THAT IN VERY DEED, HE BEING A SUBTLE AND CUNNING MAN, MIGHT GIVE 
HIMSELF UP TO DECEIVE WITH STRONG DELUSIONS:  AND ALSO TAKE THE 
PAINS AND TRAVEL, TO UNDO AND DESTROY HIS FELLOWS.

99.  These suggestions, (with many others which at this time I may 
not, and dare not utter, neither by word or pen,) did make such a 
seizure upon my spirit, and did so overweigh my heart, both with 
their number, continuance, and fiery force, that I felt as if there 
were nothing else but these from morning to night within me; and as 
though indeed there could be room for nothing else; and also 
concluded, that God had, in very wrath to my soul, given me up to 
them, to be carried away with them, as with a mighty whirlwind.

100.  Only by the distaste that they gave unto my spirit, I FELT 
THERE WAS SOMETHING IN ME THAT REFUSED TO EMBRACE THEM.  But this 
consideration I then only had, when God gave me leave to swallow my 
spittle; otherwise the noise, and strength, and force of these 
temptations would drown and overflow, and as it were, bury all such 
thoughts, or the remembrance of any such thing.  While I was in 
this temptation, I often found my mind suddenly put upon it to 
curse and swear, or to speak some grievous thing against God, or 
Christ His Son, and of the scriptures.

101.  Now I thought, SURELY I AM POSSESSED OF THE DEVIL:  at other 
times, again, I thought I should be bereft of my wits; for instead 
of lauding and magnifying God the Lord, with others, if I have but 
heard Him spoken of, presently some most horrible blasphemous 
thought or other would bolt out of my heart against Him; so that 
whether I did think that God was, or again did think there was no 
such thing, no love, nor peace, nor gracious disposition could I 
feel within me.

102.  These things did sink me into very deep despair; for I 
concluded that such things could not possibly be found amongst them 
that loved God.  I often, when these temptations had been with 
force upon me, did compare myself to the case of such a child, whom 
some gipsy hath by force took up in her arms, and is carrying from 
friend and country.  Kick sometimes I did, and also shriek and cry; 
but yet I was bound in the wings of the temptation, and the wind 
would carry me away.  I thought also of Saul, and of the evil 
spirit that did possess him:  and did greatly fear that my 
condition was the same with that of his.  1 Sam. x.

103.  In these days, when I have heard others talk of what was the 
sin against the Holy Ghost, then would the tempter so provoke me to 
desire to sin that against sin, that I was as if I could not, must 
not, neither should be quiet until I had committed it; now no sin 
would serve but that.  If it were to be committed by speaking of 
such a word, then I have been as if my mouth would have spoken that 
word, whether I would or no; and in so strong a measure was this 
temptation upon me, that often I have been ready to clap my hand 
under my chin, to hold my mouth from opening; and to that end also, 
I have had thoughts at other times, to leap with my head downward, 
into some muckhill-hole or other, to keep my mouth from speaking.

104.  Now again I beheld the condition of the dog and toad, and 
counted the estate of every thing that God had made, far better 
than this dreadful state of mine, and such as my companions were.  
Yea, gladly would I have been in the condition of a dog or horse:  
for I knew they had no souls to perish under the everlasting weight 
of hell, or sin, as mine was like to do.  Nay, and though I saw 
this, felt this, and was broken to pieces with it; yet that which 
added to my sorrow was, I could not find, that with all my soul I 
did desire deliverance.  That scripture did also tear and rend my 
soul in the midst of these distractions, THE WICKED ARE LIKE THE 
TROUBLED SEA, WHEN IT CANNOT REST, WHOSE WATERS CAST UP MIRE AND 
DIRT.  THERE IS NO PEACE, SAITH MY GOD, TO THE WICKED.  Isa. lvii. 
20, 21.

105.  And now my heart was, at times, exceeding hard; if I would 
have given a thousand pounds for a tear, I could not shed one:  no 
nor sometimes scarce desire to shed one.  I was much dejected, to 
think that this would be my lot.  I saw some could mourn and lament 
their sin; and others again, could rejoice and bless God for 
Christ; and others again, could quietly talk of, and with gladness 
remember the word of God; while I only was in the storm or tempest.  
This much sunk me, I thought my condition was alone, I should 
therefore much bewail my hard hap, but get out of, or get rid of 
these things, I could not.

106.  While this temptation lasted, which was about a year, I could 
attend upon none of the ordinances of God, but with sore and great 
affliction.  Yea, then I was most distressed with blasphemies.  If 
I had been hearing the word, then uncleanness, blasphemies and 
despair would hold me a captive there:  if I have been reading, 
then sometimes I had sudden thoughts to question all I read:  
sometimes again, my mind would be so strangely snatched away, and 
possessed with other things, that I have neither known, nor 
regarded, nor remembered so much as the sentence that but now I 
have read.

107.  In prayer also I have been greatly troubled at this time; 
sometimes I have thought I have felt him behind me pulling my 
clothes:  he would be also continually at me in time of prayer, to 
have done, break off, make haste, you have prayed enough, and stay 
no longer; still drawing my mind away.  Sometimes also he would 
cast in such wicked thoughts as these; that I must pray to him, or 
for him:  I have thought sometimes of that, FALL DOWN; or, IF THOU 
WILT FALL DOWN AND WORSHIP ME.  Matt. iii. 9.

108.  Also, when because I have had wandering thoughts in the time 
of this duty, I have laboured to compose my mind, and fix it upon 
God; then with great force hath the tempter laboured to distract 
me, and confound me, and to turn away my mind, by presenting to my 
heart and fancy, the form of a bush, a bull, a besom, or the like, 
as if I should pray to these:  To these he would also (at sometimes 
especially) so hold my mind, that I was as if I could think of 
nothing else, or pray to nothing else but to these, or such as 
they.

109.  Yet at times I should have some strong and heart-affecting 
apprehensions of God, and the reality of the truth of His gospel.  
But, oh! how would my heart, at such times, put forth itself with 
unexpressible groanings.  My whole soul was then in every word; I 
should cry with pangs after God, that He would be merciful unto me; 
but then I should be daunted again with such conceits as these:  I 
should think that God did mock at these my prayers, saying, and 
that in the audience of the holy angels, THIS POOR SIMPLE WRETCH 
DOTH HANKER AFTER ME, AS IF I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH MY MERCY, BUT 
TO BESTOW IT ON SUCH AS HE.  ALAS, POOR SOUL! HOW ART THOU 
DECEIVED!  IT IS NOT FOR SUCH AS THEE TO HAVE FAVOUR WITH THE 
HIGHEST.

110.  Then hath the tempter come upon me, also, with such 
discouragements as these:  YOU ARE VERY HOT FOR MERCY, BUT I WILL 
COOL YOU; THIS FRAME SHALL NOT LAST ALWAYS:  MANY HAVE BEEN AS HOT 
AS YOU FOR A SPURT, BUT I HAVE QUENCHED THEIR ZEAL (and with this, 
such and such, who were fallen off, would be set before mine eyes).  
Then I should be afraid that I should do so too:  But, thought I, I 
am glad this comes into my mind:  well, I will watch, and take what 
care I can.  THOUGH YOU DO, said Satan, I SHALL BE TOO HARD FOR 
YOU; I WILL COOL YOU INSENSIBLY, BY DEGREES, BY LITTLE AND LITTLE.  
WHAT CARE I, saith he, THOUGH I BE SEVEN YEARS IN CHILLING YOUR 
HEART, IF I CAN DO IT AT LAST?  CONTINUAL ROCKING WILL LULL A 
CRYING CHILD ASLEEP:  I WILL PLY IT CLOSE, BUT I WILL HAVE MY END 
ACCOMPLISHED.  THOUGH YOU BE BURNING HOT AT PRESENT, I CAN PULL YOU 
FROM THIS FIRE; I SHALL HAVE YOU COLD BEFORE IT BE LONG.

111.  These things brought me into great straits; for as I at 
present could not find myself fit for present death, so I thought, 
to live long, would make me yet more unfit; for time would make me 
forget all, and wear even the remembrance of the evil of sin, the 
worth of heaven, and the need I had of the blood of Christ to wash 
me, both out of mind and thought:  but I thank Christ Jesus, these 
things did not at present make me slack my crying, but rather did 
put me more upon it (LIKE HER WHO MET WITH ADULTERER, Deut. xxii. 
26), in which days that was a good word to me, after I had suffered 
these things a while:- I AM PERSUADED THAT NEITHER DEATH, NOR LIFE, 
ETC., SHALL BE ABLE TO SEPARATE US FROM THE LOVE OF GOD WHICH IS IN 
CHRIST JESUS OUR LORD.  Rom. viii. 38, 39.  And now I hoped long 
life would not destroy me, nor make me miss of heaven.

112.  Yet I had some supports in this temptation, though they were 
then all questioned by me; that in JER. III. at the first was 
something to me; and so was the consideration of verse 5 of that 
chapter; that though we have spoken and done as evil things as we 
could, yet we should cry unto God, MY FATHER, THOU ART THE GUIDE OF 
MY YOUTH, and shall return unto Him.

113.  I had, also, once a sweet glance from that in 2 Cor. v. 21:  
FOR HE HATH MADE HIM TO BE SIN FOR US, WHO KNEW NO SIN, THAT WE 
MIGHT BE MADE THE RIGHTEOUSNESS OF GOD IN HIM.  I remember that one 
day, as I was sitting in a neighbour's house, and there very sad at 
the consideration of my many blasphemies; and as I was saying in my 
mind, WHAT GROUND HAVE I TO SAY THAT, WHO HAVE BEEN SO VILE AND 
ABOMINABLE, SHOULD EVER INHERIT ETERNAL LIFE?  That word came 
suddenly upon me, WHAT SHALL WE SAY TO THESE THINGS?  IF GOD BE FOR 
US, WHO CAN BE AGAINST US? Rom. viii. 31.  That also was an help 
unto me, BECAUSE I LIVE, YE SHALL LIVE ALSO.  John xiv. 19.  But 
these words were but hints, touches, and short visits, though very 
sweet when present; only they lasted not; but, LIKE TO Peter's 
SHEET, OF A SUDDEN WERE CAUGHT UP FROM ME, TO HEAVEN AGAIN.  Acts 
x. 16.

114.  But afterwards the Lord did more fully and graciously 
discover Himself unto me, and indeed, did quite, not only deliver 
me from the guilt that, by these things was laid upon my 
conscience, but also from the very filth thereof; for the 
temptation was removed, and I was put into my right mind again, as 
other Christians were.

115.  I remember that one day, as I was travelling into the 
country, and musing on the wickedness and blasphemy of my heart, 
and considering the enmity that was in me to God, that scripture 
came into my mind, HAVING MADE PEACE THROUGH THE BLOOD OF HIS 
CROSS.  Col. i. 20.  By which I was made to see, both again and 
again, that God and my soul were friends by His blood; yea, I saw 
that the justice of God, and my sinful soul could embrace and kiss 
each other, through His blood.  This was a good day to me; I hope I 
shall never forget it.

116.  At another time, as I sat by the fire in my house, and was 
musing on my wretchedness, the Lord made that also a precious word 
unto me, FORASMUCH THEN AS THE CHILDREN ARE PARTAKERS OF FLESH AND 
BLOOD, HE ALSO HIMSELF LIKEWISE TOOK PART OF THE SAME, THAT THROUGH 
DEATH HE MIGHT DESTROY HIM THAT HAD THE POWER OF DEATH, THAT IS THE 
DEVIL; AND DELIVER THOSE WHO THROUGH FEAR OF DEATH, WERE ALL THEIR 
LIFETIME SUBJECT TO BONDAGE.  Heb. ii. 14, 15.  I thought that the 
glory of these words was then so weighty on me, that I was both 
once and twice ready to swoon as I sate; yet not with grief and 
trouble, but with solid joy and peace.

117.  At this time also I sate under of holy Mr GIFFORD, whose 
doctrine, by God's grace, was much for my stability.  This man made 
it much his business to deliver the people of God from all those 
false and unsound tests, that by nature we are prone to.  He would 
bid us take special heed, that we took not up any truth upon trust; 
as from this, or that, or any other man or men; but to cry mightily 
to God, that He would convince us of the reality thereof, and set 
us down therein by His own Spirit in the holy word; FOR, said he, 
IF YOU DO OTHERWISE, WHEN TEMPTATIONS COME, IF STRONGLY, YOU NOT 
HAVING RECEIVED THEM WITH EVIDENCE FROM HEAVEN, WILL FIND YOU WANT 
THAT HELP AND STRENGTH NOW TO RESIST, THAT ONCE YOU THOUGHT YOU 
HAD.

118.  This was as seasonable to my soul, as the former and latter 
rains in their season (for I had found, and that by sad experience, 
the truth of these his words:  for I had felt NO MAN CAN SAY, 
especially when tempted by the devil, THAT JESUS CHRIST IS LORD, 
BUT BY THE HOLY GHOST).  Wherefore I found my soul, through grace, 
very apt to drink in this doctrine, and to incline to pray to God, 
that in nothing that pertained to God's glory, and my own eternal 
happiness, He would suffer me to be without the confirmation 
thereof from heaven; for now I saw clearly, there was an exceeding 
difference betwixt the notion of the flesh and blood, and the 
revelations of God in heaven:  also a great difference betwixt that 
faith that is feigned, and according to man's wisdom, and that 
which comes by a man's being born thereto of God.  Matt. xvi. 15; 1 
John v. 1.

119.  But, oh! now, how was my soul led from truth to truth by God!  
Even from the birth and cradle of the Son of God, to His accession, 
and second coming from heaven to judge the world!

120.  Truly, I then found, upon this account, the great God was 
very good unto me; for, to my remembrance, there was not any thing 
that I then cried unto God to make known, and reveal unto me, but 
He was pleased to do it for me; I mean, not one part of the gospel 
of the Lord Jesus, but I was orderly led into it:  methought I saw 
with great evidence, from the relation of the four evangelists, the 
wonderful work of God, in giving Jesus Christ to save us, from His 
conception and birth, even to His second coming to judgment:  
methought I was as if I had seen Him born, as if I had seen Him 
grow up; as if I had seen Him walk through this world, from the 
cradle to the cross; to which also, when He came, I saw how gently 
He gave Himself to be hanged, and nailed on it for my sins and 
wicked doings.  Also as I was musing on this His progress, that 
dropped on my spirit, HE WAS ORDAINED FOR THE SLAUGHTER.  1 Peter 
i. 12, 20.

121.  When I have considered also the truth of His resurrection, 
and have remembered that word, TOUCH ME NOT, MARY, etc., I have 
seen as if He had leaped out of the grave's mouth, for joy that He 
was risen again, and had got the conquest over our dreadful foes.  
John xx. 17.  I have also in the spirit, seen Him a man, on the 
right hand of God the Father for me; and have seen the manner of 
His coming from heaven, to judge the world with glory, and have 
been confirmed in these things by these scriptures following, Acts 
i. 9, 10, and vii. 56, and x. 42; Heb. vii. 24 and ix. 28; Rev. i. 
18; 1 Thess. iv. 17, 18.

112.  Once I was troubled to know whether the Lord Jesus was man as 
well as God, and God as well as man:  and truly, in those days, let 
men say what they would, unless I had it with evidence from heaven, 
all was nothing to me; I counted myself not set down in any truth 
of God.  Well, I was much troubled about this point, and could not 
tell how to be resolved; at last, that in Rev. v. 6 came into my 
mind:  AND I BEHELD, AND, TO, IN THE MIDST OF THE THRONE, AND OF 
THE FOUR BEASTS, AND IN THE MIDST OF THE ELDERS, STOOD A LAMB, AS 
IT HAD BEEN SLAIN.  In the midst of the throne, thought I, there is 
the Godhead; in the midst of the elders, there is His manhood; but, 
oh! methought this did glister!  It was a goodly touch, and gave me 
sweet satisfaction.  That other scripture also did help me much in 
this, FOR UNTO US A CHILD IS BORN, UNTO US A SON IS GIVEN; AND THE 
GOVERNMENT SHALL BE UPON HIS SHOULDER:  AND HIS NAME SHALL BE 
CALLED WONDERFUL, COUNSELLOR, THE MIGHTY GOD, THE EVERLASTING 
FATHER, THE PRINCE OF PEACE, etc.  Isa. ix. 6.

123.  Also besides these teachings of God in His word, the Lord 
made use of two things to confirm me in this truth; the one was the 
errors of the Quakers and the other was the guilt of sin; for as 
the Quakers did oppose this truth, so God did the more confirm me 
in it, by leading me into the scripture that did wonderfully 
maintain it.

124. The errors that this people then maintained, were:-

'1.  That the holy scriptures were not the word of God.

'2.  That every man in the world had the spirit of Christ, grace, 
faith, etc.

'3.  That Christ Jesus, as crucified, and dying sixteen hundred 
years ago, did not satisfy divine justice for the sins of the 
people.

'4.  That Christ's flesh and blood were within the saints.

'5.  That the bodies of the good and bad that are buried in the 
church-yard, shall not arise again.

'6.  That the resurrection is past with good men already.

'7.  That that man Jesus, that was crucified between two thieves, 
on mount CALVARY, in the land of CANAAN, by JERUSALEM, was not 
ascended above the starry heavens.

'8.  That He should not, even the same Jesus that died by the hands 
of the Jews, come again at the last day; and as man, judge all 
nations,' etc.

125.  Many more vile and abominable things were in those days 
fomented by them, by which I was driven to a more narrow search of 
the scriptures, and was through their light and testimony, not only 
enlightened, but greatly confirmed and comforted in the truth:  
And, as I said, the guilt of sin did help me much; for still as 
that would come upon me, the blood of Christ did take it off again, 
and again, and again; and that too sweetly, according to the 
scripture.  O FRIENDS! CRY TO GOD TO REVEAL JESUS CHRIST UNTO YOU; 
THERE IS NONE TEACHETH LIKE HIM.

126.  It would be too long here to stay, to tell you in particular, 
how God did set me down in all the things of Christ, and how He 
did, that He might so do, lead me into His words; yea, and also how 
He did open them unto me, and make them shine before me, and cause 
them to dwell with me, talk with me, and comfort me over and over, 
both of His own being, and the being of His Son, and Spirit, and 
word, and gospel.

127.  Only this, as I said before, I will say unto you again, that 
in general, He was pleased to take this course with me; first, to 
suffer me to be afflicted with temptations concerning them, and 
then reveal them unto me; as sometimes I should lie under great 
guilt for sin, even crushed to the ground therewith; and then the 
Lord would show me the death of Christ; yea, so sprinkle my 
conscience with His blood, that I should find, and that before I 
was aware, that in that conscience, where but just now did reign 
and rage the law, even there would rest and abide the peace and 
love of God, through Christ.

128.  Now I had an evidence, as I thought, of my salvation, from 
heaven, with many golden seals thereon, all hanging in my sight.  
Now could I remember this manifestation, and the other discovery of 
grace, with comfort; and should often long and desire that the last 
day were come, that I might be for ever inflamed with the sight, 
and joy, and communion of Him, Whose head was crowned with thorns, 
Whose face was spit upon, and body broken, and soul made an 
offering for my sins.  For whereas before I lay continually 
trembling at the mouth of hell, now methought I was got so far 
therefrom, that I could not, when I looked back, scarce discern it!  
And oh! thought I, that I were fourscore years old now, that I 
might die quickly, that my soul might be gone to rest.

129.  But before I had got thus far out of these my temptations, I 
did greatly long to see some ancient godly man's experience, who 
had writ some hundreds of years before I was born; for those who 
had writ in our days, I thought (but I desire them now to pardon 
me) that they had writ only that which others felt; or else had, 
through the strength of their wits and parts, studied to answer 
such objections as they perceived others were perplexed with, 
without going down themselves into the deep.  Well, after many such 
longings in my mind, the God, in Whose hands are all our days and 
ways, did cast into my hand (one day) a book OF MARTIN LUTHER'S; it 
was his Comment on the GALATIANS; it also was so old, that it was 
ready to fall piece from piece if I did but turn it over.  Now I 
was pleased much that such an old book had fallen into my hand, the 
which when I had but a little way perused, I found my condition in 
his experience so largely and profoundly handled, as if his book 
had been written out of my heart.  This made me marvel:  for thus 
thought I, THIS MAN COULD NOT KNOW ANY THING OF THE STATE OF 
CHRISTIANS NOW, BUT MUST NEEDS WRITE AND SPEAK THE EXPERIENCE OF 
FORMER DAYS.

130.  Besides, he doth most gravely also in that book, debate of 
the rise of these temptations, namely, blasphemy, desperation, and 
the like; showing that the law of MOSES, as well as the devil, 
death, and hell, hath a very great hand therein:  the which, at 
first, was very strange to me; but considering and watching, I 
found it so indeed.  But of particulars here, I intend nothing; 
only this methinks I must let fall before all men - I do prefer 
this book of MARTIN LUTHER upon the GALATIANS (excepting the Holy 
Bible) before all the books that ever I had seen, as most fit for a 
wounded conscience.

131.  And now I found, as I thought, that I loved Christ dearly:  
Oh! methought my soul cleaved unto Him, my affections cleaved unto 
Him; I felt love to Him as hot as fire; and now, as JOB said, I 
THOUGHT I SHOULD DIE IN MY NEST; but I did quickly find, that my 
great love was but little; and that I, who had, as I thought, such 
burning love to Jesus Christ, could let Him go again for a very 
trifle, - God can tell how to abase us, and can hide pride from 
man.  Quickly after this my love was tried to purpose.

132.  For after the Lord had, in this manner, thus graciously 
delivered me from this great and sore temptation, and had set me 
down so sweetly in the faith of His holy gospel, and had given me 
such strong consolation and blessed evidence from heaven, touching 
my interest in His love through Christ; the tempter came upon me 
again, and that with a more grievous and dreadful temptation than 
before.

133. And that was, TO SELL AND PART WITH THIS MOST BLESSED CHRIST, 
TO EXCHANGE HIM FOR THE THINGS OF THIS LIFE, FOR ANY THING.  The 
temptation lay upon me for the space of a year, and did follow me 
so continually, that I was not rid of it one day in a month:  no, 
not sometimes one hour in many days together, unless when I was 
asleep.

134.  And though, in my judgment, I was persuaded, that those who 
were once effectually in Christ (as I hoped, through His grace, I 
had seen myself) could never lose Him for ever; THE LAND SHALL NOT 
BE SOLD FOR EVER, FOR THE LAND IS MINE, saith God.  Lev. xxv. 23.  
Yet it was a continual vexation to me, to think that I should have 
so much as one such thought within me against a Christ, a Jesus, 
that had done for me as He had done; and yet then I had almost none 
others, but such blasphemous ones.

135.  But it was neither my dislike of the thought, nor yet any 
desire and endeavour to resist, that in the least did shake or 
abate the continuation or force and strength thereof; for it did 
always, in almost whatever I thought, intermix itself therewith, in 
such sort, that I could neither eat my food, stoop for a pin, chop 
a stick, or cast mine eye to look on this or that, but still the 
temptation would come, SELL CHRIST FOR THIS, OR SELL CHRIST FOR 
THAT; SELL HIM, sELL HIM.

136.  Sometimes it would run in my thoughts, not so little as a 
hundred times together, SELL HIM, SELL HIM, SELL HIM:  against 
which, I may say, for whole hours together, I have been forced to 
stand as continually leaning and forcing my spirit against it, lest 
haply, before I were aware, some wicked thought might arise in my 
heart, that might consent thereto; and sometimes the tempter would 
make me believe I had consented to it; but then I should be, as 
tortured upon a rack for whole days together.

137.  This temptation did put me to such scares, lest I should at 
some times, I say, consent thereto, and be overcome therewith, that 
by the very force of my mind, in labouring to gainsay and resist 
this wickedness, my very body would be put into action or motion, 
by way of pushing or thrusting with my hands or elbows; still 
answering, as fast as the destroyer said, SELL HIM; I WILL NOT, I 
WILL NOT, I WILL NOT, I WILL NOT; NO, NOT FOR THOUSANDS, THOUSANDS, 
THOUSANDS OF WORLDS:  thus reckoning, lest I should, in the midst 
of these assaults, set too low a value on Him; even until I scarce 
well knew where I was, or how to be composed again.

138.  At these seasons he would not let me eat my food at quiet; 
but, forsooth, when I was set at the table at my meat, I must go 
hence to pray; I must leave my food now, just now, so counterfeit 
holy also would this devil be.  When I was thus tempted, I would 
say in myself, NOW I AM AT MEAT; LET ME MAKE AN END.  NO, said he, 
YOU MUST DO IT NOW, OR YOU WILL DISPLEASE GOD, AND DESPISE CHRIST.  
Wherefore I was much afflicted with these things; and because of 
the sinfulness of my nature (imagining that these were impulses 
from God), I should deny to do it, as if I denied God, and then 
should I be as guilty, because I did not obey a temptation of the 
devil, as if I had broken the law of God indeed.

139.  But to be brief:  one morning as I did lie in my bed, I was, 
as at other times, most fiercely assaulted with this temptation, TO 
SELL AND PART WITH CHRIST; the wicked suggestion still running in 
my mind, SELL HIM, SELL HIM, SELL HIM, SELL HIM, SELL HIM, as fast 
as a man could speak:  against which also, in my mind, as at other 
times, I answered, NO, NO, NOT FOR THOUSANDS, THOUSANDS, THOUSANDS, 
at least twenty times together:  but at last, after much striving, 
even until I was almost out of breath, I felt this thought pass 
through my heart, LET HIM GO, IF HE WILL; and I thought also, that 
I felt my heart freely consent thereto.  Oh! the diligence of 
Satan!  Oh! the desperateness of man's heart!

140.  Now was the battle won, and down fell I as a bird that is 
shot from the top of a tree, into great guilt, and fearful despair.  
Thus getting out of my bed, I went moping into the field; but God 
knows, with as heavy a heart as mortal man, I think, could bear; 
where for the space of two hours, I was like a man bereft of life; 
and, as now, past all recovery, and bound over to eternal 
punishment.

141.  And withal, that scripture did seize upon my soul:  OR 
PROFANE PERSONS AS ESAU, WHO FOR ONE MORSEL OF MEAT, SOLD HIS 
BIRTHRIGHT:  FOR YE KNOW, HOW THAT AFTERWARD, WHEN HE WOULD HAVE 
INHERITED THE BLESSING, HE WAS REJECTED; FOR HE FOUND NO PLACE OF 
REPENTANCE, THOUGH HE SOUGHT IT CAREFULLY WITH TEARS.  Heb. xii. 
16, 17.

142.  Now was I as one bound, I felt myself shut up unto the 
judgment to come; nothing now, for two years together, would abide 
with me, but damnation, and an expectation of damnation:  I say, 
nothing now would abide with me but this, save some few moments for 
relief, as in the sequel you will see.

143.  These words were to my soul, like fetters of brass to my 
legs, in the continual sound of which I went for several months 
together.  But about ten or eleven o'clock on that day, as I was 
walking under an hedge (full of sorrow and guilt, God knows), and 
bemoaning myself for this hard hap, that such a thought should 
arise within me, suddenly this sentence rushed in upon me, THE 
BLOOD OF CHRIST REMITS ALL GUILT.  At this I made a stand in my 
spirit:  with that this word took hold upon me, THE BLOOD OF JESUS 
CHRIST HIS SON, CLEANSETH US FROM ALL SIN.  1 John i. 7.

144.  Now I began to conceive peace in my soul, and methought I 
saw, as if the tempter did leer and steal away from me, as being 
ashamed of what he had done.  At the same time also I had my sin, 
and the blood of Christ, thus represented to me, That my sin, when 
compared to the blood of Christ, was no more to it, than this 
little clod or stone before me, is to this vast and wide field that 
here I see.  This gave me good encouragement for the space of two 
or three hours; in which time also, methought, I saw, by faith, the 
Son of God, as suffering for my sins:  but because it tarried not, 
I therefore sunk in my spirit, under exceeding guilt again.

145.  But chiefly by the aforementioned scripture concerning ESAU'S 
selling of his birthright; for that scripture would lie all day 
long, all the week long, yea, all the year long in my mind, and 
hold me down, so that I could by no means lift up myself; for when 
I would strive to turn to this scripture or that, for relief, still 
that sentence would be sounding in me; FOR YE KNOW, HOW THAT 
AFTERWARDS, WHEN HE WOULD HAVE INHERITED THE BLESSING, HE FOUND NO 
PLACE OF REPENTANCE, THOUGH HE SOUGHT IT CAREFULLY WITH TEARS.

146.  Sometimes, indeed, I should have a touch from that in Luke 
xxii. 31, I HAVE PRAYED FOR THEE THAT THY FAITH FAIL NOT; but it 
would not abide upon me; neither could I, indeed, when I considered 
my state, find ground to conceive in the least, that there should 
be the root of that grace in me, having sinned as I had done.  Now 
was I tore and rent in an heavy case for many days together.

147.  Then began I with sad and careful heart to consider of the 
nature and largeness of my sin, and to search into the word of God, 
if I could in any place espy a word of promise, or any encouraging 
sentence, by which I might take relief.  Wherefore I began to 
consider that of Mark iii. 28:  ALL SINS SHALL BE FORGIVEN UNTO THE 
SONS OF MEN, AND BLASPHEMIES WHEREWITH SOEVER THEY SHALL BLASPHEME.  
Which place, methought at a blush, did contain a large and glorious 
promise for the pardon of high offences; but considering the place 
more fully, I thought it was rather to be understood, as relating 
more chiefly to those who had, while in a natural estate, committed 
such things as there are mentioned; but not to me, who had not only 
received light and mercy, but that had both after, and also 
contrary to that, so slighted Christ as I had done.

148.  I feared, therefore, that this wicked sin of mine, might be 
that sin unpardonable, of which He there thus speaketh.  BUT HE 
THAT SHALL BLASPHEME AGAINST THE HOLY GHOST, HATH NEVER 
FORGIVENESS, BUT IS IN DANGER OF ETERNAL DAMNATION.  Mark iii. 29.  
And I did the rather give credit to this, because of that sentence 
in the Hebrews:  FOR YOU KNOW HOW THAT AFTERWARDS, WHEN HE WOULD 
HAVE INHERITED THE BLESSING, HE WAS REJECTED; FOR HE FOUND NO PLACE 
OF REPENTANCE, THOUGH HE SOUGHT IT CAREFULLY WITH TEARS.  And this 
stuck always with me.

149.  And now was I both a burthen and a terror to myself; nor did 
I ever so know, as now, what it was to be weary of my life, and yet 
afraid to die.  Oh! how gladly now would I have been anybody but 
myself! anything but a man, and in any condition but my own!  For 
there was nothing did pass more frequently over my mind, than that 
it was impossible for me to be forgiven my transgression, and to be 
saved from the wrath to come.

150.  And now I began to call again time that was spent; wishing a 
thousand times twice told, that the day was yet to come when I 
should be tempted to such a sin; concluding with great indignation, 
both against my heart, and all assaults, how I would rather have 
been torn in pieces, than be found a consenter thereto.  But alas! 
these thoughts, and wishings, and resolvings were now too late to 
help me; this thought had passed my heart, God hath let me go, and 
I am fallen.  Oh! thought I, THAT IT WERE WITH ME AS IN MONTHS 
PAST, AS IN THE DAYS WHEN GOD PRESERVED ME!  Job xxix. 2.

151.  Then again, being loth and unwilling to perish, I began to 
compare my sin with others to see if I could find that any of those 
that were saved, had done as I had done.  So I considered DAVID'S 
adultery, and murder, and found them most heinous crimes; and those 
too committed after light and grace received:  but yet by 
considering that his transgressions were only such as were against 
the law of MOSES, from which the Lord Christ could, with the 
consent of His word, deliver him:  but mine was against the gospel; 
yea, against the Mediator thereof; I had sold my Saviour.

152.  Now again should I be as if racked upon the wheel, when I 
considered, that, besides the guilt that possessed me, I should be 
so void of grace, so bewitched.  What, thought I, must it be no sin 
but this?  Must it needs be the GREAT TRANSGRESSION?  Ps. xix. 13.  
Must THAT WICKED ONE touch my soul?  1 John v. 18.  Oh! what sting 
did I find in all these sentences?

153.  What, thought I, is there but ONE sin that is unpardonable? 
but ONE sin that layeth the soul without the reach of God's mercy; 
and must I be guilty of THAT? must it needs be that?  Is there but 
one SIN among SO MANY millions of sins, for which there is no 
forgiveness; and must I commit this?  Oh! unhappy SIN!  Oh! unhappy 
MAN!  These things would so break and confound my spirit, that I 
could not tell what to do; I thought at times, they would have 
broke my wits; and still, to aggravate my misery, that would run in 
my mind, YOU KNOW, HOW, THAT AFTERWARDS, WHEN HE WOULD HAVE 
INHERITED THE BLESSING, HE WAS REJECTED.  OH! NO ONE KNOWS THE 
TERRORS OF THOSE DAYS BUT MYSELF.

154.  After this I began to consider of PETER'S sin, which he 
committed in denying his Master:  and indeed, this came nighest to 
mine of any that I could find, for he had denied his Saviour, as I, 
after light and mercy received; yea, and that too, after warning 
given him.  I also considered, that he did it both once and twice; 
and that, after time to consider betwixt.  But though I put all 
these circumstances together, that, if possible I might find help, 
yet I considered again, that his was but A DENIAL OF HIS MASTER, 
but mine was, A SELLING OF MY SAVIOUR.  Wherefore I thought with 
myself, that I came nearer to JUDAS, than either to DAVID or PETER.

155.  Here again my torment would flame out and afflict me; yea, it 
would grind me, as it were to powder, to consider the preservation 
of God towards others, while I fell into the snare; for in my thus 
considering of other men's sins, and comparing them with mine own, 
I could evidently see, God preserved them, notwithstanding their 
wickedness, and would not let them, as He had let me, become a son 
of perdition.

156.  But oh! how did my soul at this time prize the preservation 
that God did set about His people!  Ah, how safely did I see them 
walk, whom God had hedged in!  They were within His care, 
protection, and special providence:  though they were full as bad 
as I by nature; yet because He loved them, He would not suffer them 
to fall without the range of mercy:  but as for me, I was gone, I 
had done it:  He would not preserve me, nor keep me; but suffered 
me, because I was a reprobate, to fall as I had done.  Now did 
those blessed places that speak of God's keeping His people, shine 
like the sun before me, though not to comfort me, yet to show me 
the blessed state and heritage of those whom the Lord had blessed.

157.  Now I saw, that as God had His hand in all the providences 
and dispensations that overtook His elect; so He had His hand in 
all the temptations that they had to sin against Him; not to 
animate them to wickedness, but to choose their temptations and 
troubles for them; and also to leave them for a time, to such sins 
only that might not destroy, but humble them; as might not put them 
beyond, but lay them in the way of the renewing His mercy.  But oh! 
what love, what care, what kindness and mercy did I now see, mixing 
itself with the most severe and dreadful of all God's ways to His 
people!  He would let DAVID, HEZEKIAH, SOLOMON, PETER, and others, 
fall; but He would not let them fall into sin unpardonable, nor 
into hell for sin.  Oh! thought I, these be the men that God hath 
loved; these be the men that God, though He chastiseth them, keeps 
them in safety by Him; and them whom He makes to abide under the 
shadow of the Almighty.  But all these thoughts added sorrow, 
grief, and horror to me, as whatever I now thought on, it was 
killing to me.  If I thought how God kept His own, that was killing 
to me; if I thought of how I was fallen myself, that was killing to 
me.  As all things wrought together for the best, and to do good to 
them that were the called, according to His purpose, so I thought 
that all things wrought for my damage, and for my eternal 
overthrow.

158.  Then again I began to compare my sin with the sin of JUDAS, 
that, if possible, I might find if mine differed from that, which 
in truth is unpardonable:  and oh! thought I, if it should differ 
from it, though but the breadth of an hair, what a happy condition 
is my soul in!  And by considering, I found that JUDAS did this 
intentionally, but mine was against my prayer and strivings:  
besides, his was committed with much deliberation, but mine in a 
fearful hurry, on a sudden:  all this while I was tossed to and fro 
like the locusts, and driven from trouble to sorrow; hearing always 
the sound of ESAU'S fall in mine ears, and the dreadful 
consequences thereof.

159.  Yet this consideration about JUDAS'S sin was, for awhile, 
some little relief to me; for I saw I had not, as to the 
circumstances, transgressed so fully as he.  But this was quickly 
gone again, for I thought with myself, there might be more ways 
than one to commit this unpardonable sin; also I thought there 
might be degrees of that, as well as of other transgressions; 
wherefore, for aught I yet could perceive, this iniquity of mine 
might be such, as might never be passed by.

160.  I was often now ashamed that I should be like such an ugly 
man as Judas:  I thought also how loathsome I should be unto all 
the saints at the day of judgment:  insomuch that now I could 
scarce see a good man, that I believed had a good conscience, but I 
should feel my heart tremble at him, while I was in his presence.  
Oh! now I saw a glory in walking with God, and what a mercy it was 
to have a good conscience before Him.

161.  I was much about that time tempted to content myself by 
receiving some false opinion; as, that there should be no such 
thing as a day of judgment; that we should not rise again; and that 
sin was no such grievous thing:  the tempter suggesting thus:  FOR 
IF THESE THINGS SHOULD INDEED BE TRUE, YET TO BELIEVE OTHERWISE 
WOULD YIELD YOU EASE FOR THE PRESENT.  IF YOU MUST PERISH, NEVER 
TORMENT YOURSELF SO MUCH BEFOREHAND:  DRIVE THE THOUGHTS OF DAMNING 
OUT OF YOUR MIND, BY POSSESSING YOUR MIND WITH SOME SUCH 
CONCLUSIONS THAT Atheists AND Ranters USE TO HELP THEMSELVES 
WITHAL.

162.  But oh! when such thoughts have led through my heart, how, as 
it were, within a step, hath death and judgment been in my view! 
methought the judge stood at the door; I was as if it was come 
already; so that such things could have no entertainment.  But 
methinks, I see by this, that Satan will use any means to keep the 
soul from Christ; he loveth not an awakened frame of spirit; 
security, blindness, darkness, and error, is the very kingdom and 
habitation of the wicked one.

163.  I found it a hard work now to pray to God, because despair 
was swallowing me up; I thought I was as with a tempest driven away 
from God; for always when I cried to God for mercy, this would come 
in, 'TIS TOO LATE, I AM LOST, GOD HATH LET ME FALL; NOT TO MY 
CORRECTION, BUT CONDEMNATION:  MY SIN IS UNPARDONABLE; AND I KNOW, 
CONCERNING ESAU, HOW THAT AFTER HE HAD SOLD HIS BIRTHRIGHT, BE 
WOULD HAVE RECEIVED THE BLESSING, BUT WAS REJECTED.  About this 
time I did light on that dreadful story of that miserable mortal 
Francis Spira; a book that was to my troubled spirit, as salt, when 
rubbed into a fresh wound:  every sentence in that book, every 
groan of that man, with all the rest of his actions in his dolours, 
as his tears, his prayers, his gnashing of teeth, his wringing of 
hands, his twining and twisting, and languishing, and pining away 
under that mighty hand of God that was upon him, were as knives and 
daggers in my soul; especially that sentence of his was frightful 
to me, MAN KNOWS THE BEGINNING OF SIN? BUT WHO BOUNDS THE ISSUES 
THEREOF?  Then would the former sentence, as the conclusion of all, 
fall like an hot thunderbolt again upon my conscience; FOR YOU KNOW 
HOW THAT AFTERWARDS, WHEN HE WOULD HAVE INHERITED THE BLESSING, HE 
WAS REJECTED; FOR HE FOUND NO PLACE OF REPENTANCE, THOUGH HE SOUGHT 
IT CAREFULLY WITH TEARS.

164.  Then should I be struck into a very great trembling, insomuch 
that at sometimes I could, for whole days together, feel my very 
body, as well as my mind, to shake and totter under the sense of 
this dreadful judgment of God, that should fall on those that have 
sinned that most fearful and unpardonable sin.  I felt also such a 
clogging and heat at my stomach, by reason of this my terror, that 
I was, especially at some times, as if my breast-bone would split 
asunder; then I thought of that concerning Judas, who by FALLING 
HEADLONG, HE BURST ASUNDER IN THE MIDST, AND ALL HIS BOWELS GUSHED 
OUT.  Acts i. 18.

165.  I feared also that this was the mark that the Lord did set on 
CAIN, even continual fear and trembling, under the heavy load of 
guilt that he had charged on him for the blood of his brother ABEL.  
Thus did I wind, and twine, and shrink under the burthen that was 
upon me; which burthen also did so oppress me, that I could neither 
stand, nor go, nor lie, either at rest or quiet.

166.  Yet that saying would sometimes come into my mind, HE HATH 
RECEIVED GIFTS FOR THE REBELLIOUS.  Psalm lxviii. 18.  The 
REBELLIOUS, thought I! why surely they are such as once were under 
subjection to their Prince; even those who after they have sworn 
subjection to His government, have taken up arms against Him; and 
this, thought I, is my very condition:  I once loved Him, feared 
Him, served Him; but now I am a rebel; I have sold Him, I have 
said, LET HIM GO, IF HE WILL; but yet He has gifts for rebels; and 
then why not for me?

167.  This sometimes I thought on, and should labour to take hold 
thereof, that some, though small refreshment, might have been 
conceived by me; but in this also I missed of my desire; I was 
driven with force beyond it; I was like a man going to execution, 
even by THAT place where he would fain creep in and hide himself, 
but may not.

168.  Again, after I had thus considered the sins of the SAINTS in 
particular, and found MINE went beyond them, then I began to think 
with myself, Set the case I should put ALL THEIRS together, and 
MINE ALONE against them, might I not then find some encouragement? 
for if MINE, though bigger than any one, yet should be but equal to 
all, then there is hopes; for that blood that hath virtue enough in 
it to wash away all theirs, had virtue enough in it to do away 
mine, though this one be full as big, if not bigger than all 
theirs.  Here again, I should consider the sin of DAVID, of 
SOLOMON, of MANASSEH, of PETER, and the rest of the great 
offenders; and should also labour, what I might with fairness, to 
aggravate and heighten their sins by several circumstances.

169.  I should think with myself that DAVID shed blood to cover his 
adultery, and that by the sword of the children of AMMON; a work 
that could not be done, but by continuance, deliberate contrivance, 
which was a great aggravation to his sin.  But then this would turn 
upon me:  Ah! but these were but sins against the law, from which 
there was a Jesus sent to save them; but yours is a sin against the 
Saviour, and who shall save you from that?

170.  Then I thought on SOLOMON, and how he sinned in loving 
strange women, falling away to their idols, in building them 
temples, in doing this after light, in his old age, after great 
mercy received:  but the same conclusion that cut me off in the 
former consideration, cut me off as to this; namely, that all those 
were but sins against the law, for which God had provided a remedy; 
BUT I HAD SOLD MY SAVIOUR, and there remained no more sacrifice for 
sin.

171.  I would then add to these men's sins, the sins of MANASSEH; 
how that he built altars for idols in the house of the Lord; he 
also observed times, used enchantments, had to do with wizards, was 
a wizard, had his familiar spirits, burned his children in the fire 
in sacrifice to devils, and made the streets of JERUSALEM run down 
with the blood of innocents.  These, thought I, are great sins, 
sins of a bloody colour, but yet it would turn again upon me, THEY 
ARE NONE OF THEM OF THE NATURE OF YOURS; YOU HAVE PARTED WITH 
JESUS, YOU HAVE SOLD YOUR SAVIOUR.

172.  This one consideration would always kill my heart, MY SIN WAS 
POINT BLANK AGAINST MY SAVIOUR; and that too, at that height, that 
I had in my heart said of Him, LET HIM GO, IF HE WILL.  Oh! 
methought this sin was bigger than the sins of a country, of a 
kingdom, or of the whole world, NO one pardonable; nor ALL of them 
together, was able to equal mine; mine out-went them every one.

173.  Now I should find my mind to flee from God, as from the face 
of a dreadful judge, yet this was my torment, I could not escape 
His hand:  (IT IS A FEARFUL THING TO FALL INTO THE HANDS OF THE 
LIVING GOD.  Hebrew x.)  But, blessed be His grace, that scripture, 
in these flying fits, would call, as running after me, I HAVE 
BLOTTED OUT, AS A THICK CLOUD, THY TRANSGRESSIONS; AND AS A CLOUD, 
THY SINS:  RETURN UNTO ME, FOR I HAVE REDEEMED THEE.  Isaiah xliv. 
22.  This, I say, would come in upon my mind, when I was fleeing 
from the face of God; for I did flee from His face; that is, my 
mind and spirit fled before Him; by reason of His highness, I could 
not endure:  then would the text cry, RETURN UNTO ME; it would cry 
aloud with a very great voice, RETURN UNTO ME, FOR I HAVE REDEEMED 
THEE.  Indeed, this would make me make a little stop, and, as it 
were, look over my shoulder behind me, to see if I could discern 
that the God of grace did follow me with a pardon in His hand; but 
I could no sooner do that, but all would be clouded and darkened 
again by that sentence, FOR YOU KNOW, HOW THAT AFTERWARDS, WHEN HE 
WOULD HAVE INHERITED THE BLESSING, HE FOUND NO PLACE OF REPENTANCE, 
THOUGH HE SOUGHT IT CAREFULLY  WITH TEARS.  Wherefore I could not 
refrain, but fled, though at some times it cried, RETURN, RETURN, 
as if it did hollow after me:  but I feared to close in therewith, 
lest it should not come from God; for that other, as I said, was 
still sounding in my conscience, FOR YOU KNOW THAT AFTERWARDS, WHEN 
HE WOULD HAVE INHERITED THE BLESSING, HE WAS REJECTED, ETC.

174.  Once as I was walking to and fro in a good man's shop, 
bemoaning of myself in my sad and doleful state, afflicting myself 
with self-abhorrence for this wicked and ungodly thought; lamenting 
also this hard hap of mine for that I should commit so great a sin, 
greatly fearing that I should not be pardoned; praying also in my 
heart, that if this sin of mine did differ from that against the 
Holy Ghost, the Lord would show it me.  And being now ready to sink 
with fear, suddenly there was, as if there had rushed in at the 
window, the noise of wind upon me, but very pleasant, and as if I 
heard a voice speaking, DID'ST THOU EVER REFUSE TO BE JUSTIFIED BY 
THE BLOOD OF CHRIST? and withal, my whole life of profession past, 
was in a moment opened to me, wherein I was made to see, that 
designedly I had not:  so my heart answered groaningly, NO.  Then 
fell, with power, that word of God upon me, SEE THAT YE REFUSE NOT 
HIM THAT SPEAKETH.  Hebrew xii. 25.  This made a strange seizure 
upon my spirit; it brought light with it, and commanded a silence 
in my heart, of all those tumultuous thoughts, that did before use, 
like masterless hell-hounds, to roar and bellow, and make an 
hideous noise within me.  It showed me also that Jesus Christ had 
yet a word of grace and mercy for me, that He had not, as I had 
feared, quite forsaken and cast off my soul; yea, this was a kind 
of chide for my proneness to desperation; a kind of threatening of 
me, if I did not, notwithstanding my sins, and the heinousness of 
them, venture my salvation upon the Son of God.  But as to my 
determining about this strange dispensation, what it was, I know 
not; or from whence it came, I know not; I have not yet in twenty 
years' time been able to make a judgment of it; I THOUGHT THEN WHAT 
HERE I SHOULD BE LOTH TO SPEAK.  But verily that sudden rushing 
wind was, as if an angel had come upon me; but both it, and the 
salutation, I will leave until the day of judgment:  only this I 
say, it commanded a great calm in my soul; it persuaded me there 
might be hope:  it showed me, as I thought, what the sin 
unpardonable was, and that my soul had yet the blessed privilege to 
flee to Jesus Christ for mercy.  But I say, concerning this 
dispensation; I know not yet what to say unto it; which was also, 
in truth, the cause, that at first I did not speak of it in the 
book; I do now also leave it to be thought on by men of sound 
judgment.  I lay not the stress of my salvation thereupon, but upon 
the Lord Jesus, in the promise; yet seeing I am here unfolding of 
my secret things, I thought it might not be altogether inexpedient 
to let this also show itself, though I cannot now relate the matter 
as there I did experience it.  This lasted in the savour of it for 
about three or four days, and then I began to mistrust, and to 
despair again.

175.  Wherefore still my life hung in doubt before me, not knowing 
which way I should tip; only this I found my soul desire, even to 
cast itself at the foot of grace, by prayer and supplication.  But 
oh! 'twas hard for me now, to have the face to pray to this Christ 
for mercy, against Whom I had thus most vilely sinned:  'twas hard 
work, I say, to offer to look Him in the face, against Whom I had 
so vilely sinned; and indeed, I have found it as difficult to come 
to God by prayer, after backsliding from Him, as to do any other 
thing.  Oh! the shame that did now attend me! especially when I 
thought, I am now a-going to pray to Him for mercy, that I had so 
lightly esteemed but a while before!  I was ashamed; yea, even 
confounded, because this villany had been committed by me:  but I 
saw that there was but one way with me; I must go to Him, and 
humble myself unto Him, and beg that He, of His wonderful mercy, 
would show pity to me, and have mercy upon my wretched sinful soul.

176.  Which, when the tempter perceived, he strongly suggested to 
me, THAT I OUGHT NOT TO PRAY TO GOD, FOR PRAYER WAS NOT FOR ANY IN 
MY CASE; NEITHER COULD IT DO ME GOOD, BECAUSE I HAD REJECTED THE 
MEDIATOR, BY WHOM ALL PRAYERS CAME WITH ACCEPTANCE TO GOD THE 
FATHER; AND WITHOUT WHOM, NO PRAYER COULD COME INTO HIS PRESENCE:  
WHEREFORE NOW TO PRAY, IS BUT TO ADD SIN TO SIN; YEA, NOW TO PRAY, 
SEEING GOD HAS CAST YOU OFF, IS THE NEXT WAY TO ANGER AND OFFEND 
HIM MORE THAN YOU EVER DID BEFORE.

177.  FOR GOD (saith he) HATH BEEN WEARY OF YOU FOR THESE SEVERAL 
YEARS ALREADY, BECAUSE YOU ARE NONE OF HIS; YOUR BAWLINGS IN HIS 
EARS, HATH BEEN NO PLEASANT VOICE TO HIM; AND THEREFORE HE LET YOU 
SIN THIS SIN, THAT YOU MIGHT BE QUITE CUT OFF; AND WILL YOU PRAY 
STILL?  This the devil urged, and set forth that in NUMBERS, when 
MOSES said to the children OF ISRAEL, THAT BECAUSE THEY WOULD NOT 
GO UP TO POSSESS THE LAND, WHEN GOD WOULD HAVE THEM, THEREFORE FOR 
EVER AFTER HE DID BAR THEM OUT FROM THENCE, THOUGH THEY PRAYED THEY 
MIGHT WITH TEARS.  Numbers xiv. 36, 37, etc.

178.  As it is said in another place, Exodus xxi. 14, THE MAN THAT 
SINS PRESUMPTUOUSLY SHALL BE TAKEN FROM GOD'S ALTAR, THAT HE MAY 
DIE; even as JOAB was by King SOLOMON, when he thought to find 
shelter there.  1 Kings ii. 27, 28, etc.  These places did pinch me 
very sore; yet my case being desperate, I thought with myself, I 
can but die; and if it must be so, it shall once be said, THAT SUCH 
AN ONE DIED AT THE FOOT OF CHRIST IN PRAYER.  This I did, but with 
great difficulty, God doth know; and that because, together with 
this, still that saying about ESAU would be set at my heart, even 
like a flaming sword, to keep the way of the tree of life, lest I 
should take thereof and live.  Oh! who knows how hard a thing I 
found it, to come to God in prayer!

179.  I did also desire the prayers of the people of God for me, 
but I feared that God would give them no heart to do it; yea I 
trembled in my soul to think, that some or other of them would 
shortly tell me, that God hath said those words to them, that He 
once did say to the prophet concerning the children of Israel, PRAY 
NOT FOR THIS PEOPLE, FOR I HAVE REJECTED THEM.  Jeremiah xi. 14.  
So, PRAY NOT FOR HIM, FOR I HAVE REJECTED HIM, yea, I thought that 
He had whispered this to some of them already, only they durst not 
tell me so; neither durst I ask them of it, for fear if it should 
be so, it would make me quite beside myself:  MAN KNOWS THE 
BEGINNING OF SIN (said Spira), BUT WHO BOUNDS THE ISSUES THEREOF?

180.  About this time I took an opportunity to break my mind to an 
ancient Christian, and told him all my case:  I told him also, that 
I was afraid that I had sinned the sin against the Holy Ghost; and 
he told me, HE THOUGHT SO TOO.  Here therefore I had but cold 
comfort; but talking a little more with him, I found him, though a 
good man, a stranger to much combat with the devil.  Wherefore I 
went to God again, as well as I could, for mercy still.

181.  Now also did the tempter begin to mock me in my misery, 
saying, THAT SEEING I HAD THUS PARTED WITH THE LORD JESUS, AND 
PROVOKED HIM TO DISPLEASURE, WHO WOULD HAVE STOOD BETWEEN MY SOUL 
AND THE FLAME OF DEVOURING FIRE, THERE WAS NOW BUT ONE WAY; AND 
THAT WAS, to pray that God the Father would be a Mediator betwixt 
His Son and me; THAT WE MIGHT BE RECONCILED AGAIN, AND THAT I MIGHT 
HAVE THAT BLESSED BENEFIT IN HIM, THAT HIS BLESSED SAINTS ENJOYED.

182.  Then did that scripture seize upon my soul, HE IS OF ONE 
MIND, AND WHO CAN TURN HIM!  Oh! I saw, it was as easy to persuade 
Him to make a new world, a new covenant, or a new Bible, besides 
that we have already, as to pray for such a thing.  This was to 
persuade Him, that what He had done already was mere folly, and 
persuade Him to alter, yea, to disannul the whole way of salvation.  
And then would that saying rend my soul asunder; NEITHER IS THERE 
SALVATION IN ANY OTHER; FOR THERE IS NONE OTHER NAME UNDER HEAVEN 
GIVEN AMONG MEN WHEREBY WE MUST BE SAVED.  Acts iv. 12.

183.  Now the most free, and full and gracious words of the gospel, 
were the greatest torment to me; yea, nothing so afflicted me, as 
the thoughts of Jesus Christ, the remembrance of a Saviour; because 
I had cast Him off, brought forth the villany of my sin, and my 
loss by it, to mind; nothing did twinge my conscience like this:  
every time that I thought of the Lord Jesus, of His grace, love, 
goodness, kindness, gentleness, meekness, death, blood, promises, 
and blessed exhortations, comforts, and consolations, it went to my 
soul like a sword; for still unto these my considerations of the 
Lord Jesus, these thoughts would make place for themselves in my 
heart:  AYE, THIS IS THE JESUS, THE LOVING SAVIOUR, THE SON OF GOD, 
WHOM YOU HAVE PARTED WITH, WHOM YOU HAVE SLIGHTED, DESPISED, AND 
ABUSED.  THIS IS THE ONLY SAVIOUR, THE ONLY REDEEMER, THE ONLY ONE 
THAT COULD SO LOVE SINNERS, AS TO WASH THEM FROM THEIR SINS IN HIS 
OWN MOST PRECIOUS BLOOD; BUT YOU HAVE NO PART NOR LOT IN THIS 
JESUS:  YOU HAVE PUT HIM FROM YOU; YOU HAVE SAID IN YOUR HEART, Let 
Him go, if He will.  NOW, THEREFORE, YOU ARE SEVERED FROM HIM; YOU 
HAVE SEVERED YOURSELF FROM HIM:  BEHOLD THEN HIS GOODNESS, BUT 
YOURSELF TO BE NO PARTAKER OF IT.  Oh! thought I, what have I lost, 
what have I parted with!  What has disinherited my poor soul!  Oh! 
'tis sad to be destroyed by the grace and mercy of God; to have the 
Lamb, the Saviour, turn lion and destroyer.  Rev. vi.  I also 
trembled, as I have said, at the sight of the saints of God, 
especially at those that greatly loved Him, and that made it their 
business to walk continually with Him in this world; for they did, 
both in their words, their carriages, and all their expressions of 
tenderness and fear to sin against their precious Saviour, condemn, 
lay guilt upon, and also add continual affliction and shame upon my 
soul.  THE DREAD OF THEM WAS UPON ME, AND I TREMBLED AT GOD'S 
SAMUELS.  1 Sam. xvi. 4.

184.  Now also the tempter began afresh to mock my soul another 
way, saying, THAT CHRIST INDEED DID PITY MY CASE, AND WAS SORRY FOR 
MY LOSS; BUT FORASMUCH AS I HAD SINNED AND TRANSGRESSED AS I HAD 
DONE, HE COULD BY NO MEANS HELP ME, NOR SAVE ME FROM WHAT I FEARED:  
FOR MY SIN WAS NOT OF THE NATURE OF THEIRS, FOR WHOM HE BLED AND 
DIED; NEITHER WAS IT COUNTED WITH THOSE THAT WERE LAID TO HIS 
CHARGE, WHEN HE HANGED ON A TREE:  THEREFORE, UNLESS HE SHOULD COME 
DOWN FROM HEAVEN, AND DIE ANEW FOR THIS SIN, THOUGH INDEED HE DID 
GREATLY PITY ME, YET I COULD HAVE NO BENEFIT OF HIM.  These things 
may seem ridiculous to others, even as ridiculous as they were in 
themselves, but to me they were most tormenting cogitations:  every 
one of them augmented my misery, that Jesus Christ should have so 
much love as to pity me, when yet He could not help me; nor did I 
think that the reason why He could not help me, was, because His 
merits were weak, or His grace and salvation spent on others 
already, but because His faithfulness to His threatening, would not 
let Him extend His mercy to me.  Besides, I thought, as I have 
already hinted, that my sin was not within the bounds of that 
pardon, that was wrapped up in a promise; and if not, then I knew 
assuredly, that it was more easy for heaven and earth to pass away, 
than for me to have eternal life.  So that the ground of all these 
fears of mine did arise from a steadfast belief I had of the 
stability of the holy word of God, and also from my being 
misinformed of the nature of my sin.

185.  But oh! how this would add to my affliction, to conceit that 
I should be guilty of such a sin, for which He did not die.  These 
thoughts would so confound me, and imprison me, and tie me up from 
faith, that I knew not what to do.  But oh! thought I, that He 
would come down again!  Oh! that the work of man's redemption was 
yet to be done by Christ! how would I pray Him and entreat Him to 
count and reckon this sin among the rest for which He died!  But 
this scripture would strike me down as dead; CHRIST BEING RAISED 
FROM THE DEAD, DIETH NO MORE; DEATH HATH NO MORE DOMINION OVER HIM.  
Rom. vi. 9.

186.  Thus, by the strange and unusual assaults of the tempter, my 
soul was like a broken vessel, driven as with the winds, and tossed 
sometimes headlong into despair; sometimes upon the covenant of 
works, and sometimes to wish that the new covenant, and the 
conditions thereof, might so far forth, as I thought myself 
concerned, be turned another way, and changed, BUT IN ALL THESE, I 
WAS AS THOSE THAT JOSTLE AGAINST THE ROCKS; MORE BROKEN, SCATTERED 
AND RENT.  Oh! the un-thought-of imaginations, frights, fears, and 
terrors, that are affected by a thorough application of guilt 
yielding to desperation!  THIS IS THE MAN THAT HATH HIS DWELLING 
AMONG THE TOMBS WITH THE DEAD; THAT IS ALWAYS CRYING OUT, AND 
CUTTING HIMSELF WITH STONES.  Mark v. 1, 2, 3.  But, I say, all in 
vain; desperation will not comfort him, the old covenant will not 
save him:  nay, heaven and earth shall pass away, before one jot or 
tittle of the word and law of grace will fail or be removed.  This 
I saw, this I felt, and under this I groaned; yet this advantage I 
got thereby, namely, a farther confirmation of the certainty of the 
way of salvation; and that the scriptures were the word of God.  
Oh! I cannot now express what then I saw and felt of the steadiness 
of Jesus Christ, the rock of man's salvation:  What was done, could 
not be undone, added to, nor altered.  I saw, indeed, that sin 
might drive the soul beyond Christ, even the sin which is 
unpardonable; but woe to him that was so driven, for the word would 
shut him out.

187.  Thus I was always sinking, whatever I did think or do.  So 
one day I walked to a neighbouring town, and sate down upon a 
settle in the street, and fell into a very deep pause about the 
most fearful state my sin had brought me to; and after long musing, 
I lifted up I sat my head, but methought I saw, as if the sun that 
shineth in the heavens did grudge to give light; and as if the very 
stones in the street, and tiles upon the houses, did bend 
themselves against me.  Methought that they all combined together 
to banish me out of the world.  I was abhorred of them, and unfit 
to dwell among them, or be partaker of their benefits, because I 
had sinned against the Saviour.  O how happy now was every creature 
over I was!  For they stood fast, and kept their station, but I was 
gone and lost.

188.  Then breaking out in the bitterness of my soul, I said to 
myself with a grievous sigh, HOW CAN GOD COMFORT SUCH A WRETCH!  I 
had no sooner said it, but this returned upon me, as an echo doth 
answer a voice:  THIS SIN IS NOT UNTO DEATH.  At which I was, as if 
I had been raised out of the grave, and cried out again, LORD, HOW 
COULDST THOU FIND OUT SUCH A WORD AS THIS!  For I was filled with 
admiration at the fitness, and at the unexpectedness of the 
sentence; the fitness of the word, the rightness of the timing of 
it; the power, and sweetness, and light, and glory that came with 
it also, were marvellous to me to find:  I was now, for the time, 
out of doubt, as to that about which I was so much in doubt before; 
my fears before WERE, that my sin was not pardonable, and so that I 
had no right to pray, to repent, etc., or that, if I did, it would 
be of no advantage or profit to me.  But now, thought I, if THIS 
SIN is not unto death, then it is pardonable; therefore from this I 
have encouragement to come to God by Christ for mercy, to consider 
the promise of forgiveness, as that which stands with open arms to 
receive me as well as others.  This therefore was a great easement 
to my mind, to wit, that my sin was pardonable, that it was not the 
sin unto death (1 John v. 16, 17).  None but those that know what 
my trouble (by their own experience) was, can tell what relief came 
to my soul by this consideration:  it was a release to me from my 
former bonds, and a shelter from the former storm:  I seemed now to 
stand upon the same ground with other sinners, and to have as good 
right to the word and prayer as any of they.

189.  Now I say, I was in hopes that my sin was not unpardonable, 
but that there might be hopes for me to obtain forgiveness.  But 
oh! how Satan did now lay about him for to bring me down again!  
But he could by no means do it, neither this day, nor the most part 
of the next, for this good sentence stood like a mill-post at my 
back:  yet towards the evening of the next day, I felt this word 
begin to leave me, and to withdraw its supportation from me, and so 
I returned to my old fears again, but with a great deal of grudging 
and peevishness, for I feared the sorrow of despair; nor could my 
faith now long retain this word.

190.  But the next day at evening, being under many fears, I went 
to seek the Lord, and as I prayed, I cried, and my soul cried to 
Him in these words, with strong cries:  O LORD, I BESEECH THEE, 
SHOW ME THAT THOU HAST LOVED ME WITH EVERLASTING LOVE.  Jer. xxxi. 
3.  I had no sooner said it, but with sweetness this returned upon 
me, as an echo, or sounding again, I HAVE LOVED THEE WITH AN 
EVERLASTING LOVE.  Now I went to bed in quiet; also when I awakened 
the next morning, it was fresh upon my soul; and I believed it.

191.  But yet the tempter left me not; for it could not be so 
little as an hundred times, that he that day did labour to then 
break my peace.  Oh! the combats and conflicts that I did then meet 
with; as I strove to hold by this word, that of ESAU would fly in 
my face like lightning:  I should be sometimes up and down twenty 
times in an hour; yet God did bear me up, and keep my heart upon 
this word; from which I had also, for several days together, very 
much sweetness, and comfortable hopes of pardon:  for thus it was 
made out unto me, I LOVED THEE WHILST THOU WAST COMMITTING THIS 
SIN, I LOVED THEE BEFORE, I LOVE THEE STILL, AND I WILL LOVE THEE 
FOR EVER.

192.  Yet I saw my sin most barbarous, and a filthy crime, and 
could not but conclude, and that with great shame and astonishment, 
that I had horribly abused the holy Son of God:  wherefore I felt 
my soul greatly to love and pity Him, and my bowels to yearn 
towards Him; for I saw He was still my friend, and did reward me 
good for evil; yea, the love and affection that then did burn 
within to my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, did work at this time 
such a strong and hot desire of revengement upon myself for the 
abuse I had done unto Him, that to speak as I then thought, had I 
had a thousand gallons of blood within my veins, I could freely 
then have spilt it all, at the command and feet of this my Lord and 
Saviour.

193.  And as I was thus in musing, and in my studies, considering 
how to love the Lord, and to express my love to Him, that saying 
came in upon me, IF THOU, LORD, SHOULDST MARK INIQUITIES, O LORD, 
WHO SHOULD STAND?  BUT THERE IS FORGIVENESS WITH THEE, THAT THOU 
MAYEST BE FEARED.  Psalm cxxx. 3, 4.  These were good words to me, 
especially the latter part thereof; to wit, that there is 
forgiveness with the Lord, that He might be feared; that is, as 
then I understood it, that He might be loved, and had in reverence; 
for it was thus made out to me, THAT THE GREAT GOD DID SET SO HIGH 
AN ESTEEM UPON THE LOVE OF HIS POOR CREATURES, THAT RATHER THAN HE 
WOULD GO WITHOUT THEIR LOVE, HE WOULD PARDON THEIR TRANSGRESSIONS.

194.  And now was that word fulfilled on me, and I was also 
refreshed by it; THAT THOU MAYEST REMEMBER AND BE CONFOUNDED, AND 
NEVER OPEN THY MOUTH ANY MORE, BECAUSE OF THY SHAME, WHEN I AM 
PACIFIED TOWARD THEE FOR ALL THAT THOU HAST DONE, SAITH THE LORD 
GOD.  Ezek. xvi. 63.  Thus was my soul at this time (and as I then 
did think for ever) set at liberty from being afflicted with my 
former guilt and amazement.

195.  But before many weeks were gone, I began to despond again, 
fearing, lest, notwithstanding all that I had enjoyed, that I might 
be deceived and destroyed at the last; for this consideration came 
strong into my mind, THAT WHATEVER COMFORT AND PEACE I THOUGHT I 
MIGHT HAVE FROM THE WORD OF THE PROMISE OF LIFE, YET UNLESS THERE 
COULD BE FOUND IN MY REFRESHMENT, A CONCURRENCE AND AGREEMENT IN 
THE SCRIPTURES, LET ME THINK WHAT I WILL THEREOF, AND HOLD IT NEVER 
SO FAST, I SHOULD FIND NO SUCH THING AT THE END; AND THE SCRIPTURE 
CANNOT BE BROKEN.  John x. 35.

196.  Now began my heart again to ache, and fear I might meet with 
a disappointment at last.  Wherefore I began with all seriousness 
to examine my former comfort, and to consider whether one that had 
sinned as I had done, might with confidence trust upon the 
faithfulness of God, laid down in those words, by which I had been 
comforted, and on which I had leaned myself:  but now were brought 
those sayings to my mind.  FOR IT IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR THOSE WHO WERE 
ONCE ENLIGHTENED, AND HAVE TASTED OF THE HEAVENLY GIFT, AND WERE 
MADE PARTAKERS OF THE HOLY GHOST, AND HAVE TASTED THE GOOD WORD OF 
GOD, AND THE POWERS OF THE WORLD TO COME, IF THEY SHALL FALL AWAY, 
TO RENEW THEM AGAIN UNTO REPENTANCE.  Heb. vi. 4-6.  FOR, IF WE SIN 
WILFULLY, AFTER WE HAVE RECEIVED THE KNOWLEDGE OF THE TRUTH, THERE 
REMAINS NO MORE SACRIFICE FOR SIN, BUT A CERTAIN FEARFUL LOOKING 
FOR OF JUDGMENT, AND FIERY INDIGNATION, WHICH SHALL DEVOUR THE 
ADVERSARIES.  Heb. x. 26, 27.  AS ESAU, WHO FOR ONE MORSEL OF MEAT, 
SOLD HIS BIRTHRIGHT.  FOR YE KNOW HOW THAT AFTERWARD, WHEN HE WOULD 
HAVE INHERITED THE BLESSING, HE WAS REJECTED; FOR HE FOUND NO PLACE 
OF REPENTANCE, THOUGH HE SOUGHT IT CAREFULLY WITH TEARS.  Heb. xii. 
16, 17.

197.  Now was the word of the gospel forced from my soul; so that 
no promise or encouragement was to be found in the Bible for me:  
and now would that saying work upon my spirit to afflict me, 
REJOICE NOT, O ISRAEL, FOR JOY, AS OTHER PEOPLE.  Hos. ix. 1.  For 
I saw indeed, there was cause of rejoicing for those that held to 
Jesus; but for me, I had cut myself off by my transgressions, and 
left myself neither foot-hold, or hand-hold, among all the stays 
and props in the precious word of life.

198.  And truly, I did now feel myself to sink into a gulph, as an 
house whose foundation is destroyed; I did liken myself in this 
condition, unto the case of some child that was fallen into a mill-
pit, who though it could make some shift to scramble and sprawl in 
the water, yet because it could find neither hold for hand nor 
foot, therefore at last it must die in that condition.  So soon as 
this fresh assault had fastened on my soul, that scripture came 
into my heart, This FOR MANY DAYS.  Dan. x. 14.  And indeed I found 
it was so; for I could not be delivered, nor brought to peace 
again, until well nigh two years and a half were completely 
finished.  Wherefore these words, though in themselves, they tended 
to discouragement, yet to me, who feared this condition would be 
eternal, they were at some times as an help and refreshment to me.

199.  For, thought I, MANY DAYS are not for ever, MANY DAYS will 
have an end; therefore seeing I was to be afflicted not a few but 
MANY DAYS, yet I was glad it was but FOR MANY DAYS.  Thus, I say, I 
would recall myself sometimes, and give myself an help, for as soon 
as ever the words came into my mind, at first, I knew my trouble 
would be long, yet this would be but sometimes; for I could not 
always think on this, nor ever be helped by it, though I did.

200.  Now while the scriptures lay before me, and laid sin anew at 
my door, that saying, in Luke xviii. 1, with others, did encourage 
me to prayer:  then the tempter laid again at me very sore, 
suggesting, THAT NEITHER THE MERCY OF GOD, NOR YET THE BLOOD OF 
CHRIST, DID AT ALL CONCERN ME, NOR COULD THEY HELP ME FOR MY SIN; 
THEREFORE IT WAS BUT IN VAIN TO PRAY.  Yet, thought I, I WILL PRAY.  
BUT, said the tempter, YOUR SIN IS UNPARDONABLE.  Well, said I, I 
WILL PRAY.  'Tis to no boot, said he.  Yet said I, I WILL PRAY.  So 
I went to prayer to God; and while I was at prayer, I uttered words 
to this effect:  LORD, SATAN TELLS ME, THAT NEITHER THY MERCY, NOR 
CHRIST'S BLOOD, IS SUFFICIENT TO SAVE MY SOUL:  LORD, SHALL I 
HONOUR THEE MOST, BY BELIEVING THOU WILT, AND CANST? OR HIM, BY 
BELIEVING THOU NEITHER WILT NOT NOR CANST?  LORD, I WOULD FAIN 
HONOUR THEE, BY BELIEVING THOU WILT AND CANST.

201.  And as I was thus before the Lord, that scripture fastened on 
my heart (O man, great is thy faith), Matt. xv. 28, even as if one 
had clapped me on the back, as I was on my knees before God:  yet I 
was not able to believe this, that this was a prayer of faith, till 
almost six months after; for I could not think that I had faith, or 
that there should be a word for me to act faith on; therefore I 
should still be, as sticking in the jaws of desperation, and went 
mourning up and down in a sad condition.

202.  There was nothing now that I longed for more than to be put 
out of doubt, as to this thing in question, and as I was vehemently 
desiring to know, if there was indeed hope for me, these words came 
rolling into my mind, WILL THE LORD CAST OFF FOR EVER? AND WILL HE 
BE FAVOURABLE NO MORE?  IS HIS MERCY CLEAN GONE FOR EVER?  DOTH HIS 
PROMISE FAIL FOR EVERMORE?  HATH GOD FORGOTTEN TO BE GRACIOUS?  
HATH HE IN ANGER SHUT UP HIS TENDER MERCIES?  Ps. lxxvii. 7-9.  And 
all the while they run in my mind, methought I had still this as 
the answer, 'TIS A QUESTION WHETHER HE HATH OR NO:  IT MAY BE HE 
HATH NOT.  Yea, the interrogatory seemed to me to carry in it a 
sure affirmation that indeed He had not, nor would so cast off, but 
would be favourable:  that His promise doth not fail, and that He 
had not forgotten to be gracious, nor would in anger shut up tender 
mercy.  Something also there was upon my heart at the same time, 
which I cannot now call to mind, which, with this text, did sweeten 
my heart, and make me conclude, that His mercy might not be quite 
gone, nor clean gone for ever.

203.  At another time I remembered, I was again much under this 
question, WHETHER THE BLOOD OF CHRIST WAS SUFFICIENT TO SAVE MY 
SOUL? in which doubt I continued from morning, till about seven or 
eight at night:  and at last, when I was, as it were, quite worn 
out with fear, lest it should not lay hold on me, these words did 
sound suddenly within my heart:  HE IS ABLE.  But methought, this 
word ABLE, was spoke loud unto me; it showed a GREAT WORD, it 
seemed to be writ in GREAT LETTERS, and gave such a jostle to my 
fear and doubt (I mean for the time it tarried with me, which was 
about a day) as I never had from that, all my life, either before 
or after.  Heb. vii. 25.

204.  But one morning as I was again at prayer, and trembling under 
the fear of this, THAT NO WORD OF GOD COULD HELP ME, that piece of 
a sentence darted in upon me, MY GRACE IS SUFFICIENT.  At this, 
methought I felt some stay, as if there might be hopes.  But, oh! 
how good a thing it is for God to send His word! for, about a 
fortnight before, I was looking on this very place, and then I 
thought it could not come near my soul with comfort, therefore I 
threw down my book in a pet:  then I thought it was not large 
enough for me; no, not large enough; but now it was as if it had 
arms of grace so wide, that it could not only enclose me, but many 
more such as I besides.

205.  By these words I was sustained, yet not without exceeding 
conflicts, for the space of seven or eight weeks; for my peace 
would be in it, and out, sometimes twenty times a day; comfort now, 
and trouble presently; peace now, and before I could go a furlong, 
as full of fear and guilt as ever heart could hold.  And this was 
not only now and then, but my whole seven weeks' experience:  for 
this about THE SUFFICIENCY OF GRACE, and THAT of ESAU'S parting 
with his birthright, would be like a pair of scales within my mind; 
sometimes one end would be uppermost, and sometimes again the 
other; according to which would be my peace or trouble.

206.  Therefore I did still pray to God, that He would come in with 
this scripture more fully on my heart; to wit, that He would help 
me to apply the whole sentence, for as yet I could not:  that He 
gave, that I gathered; but farther I could not go, for as yet it 
only helped me to hope there might be mercy for me; MY GRACE IS 
SUFFICIENT:  And though it came no farther, it answered my former 
question, to wit, That there was hope; yet because FOR THEE was 
left out, I was not contented, but prayed to God for that also.  
Wherefore, one day, when I was in a meeting of God's people, full 
of sadness and terror; for my fears again were strong upon me; and, 
as I was now thinking, my soul was never the better, but my case 
most sad and fearful, these words did with great power suddenly 
break in upon me; MY GRACE IS SUFFICIENT FOR THEE, MY GRACE IS 
SUFFICIENT FOR THEE, MY GRACE IS SUFFICIENT FOR THEE, three times 
together:  And oh! methought that every word was a mighty word unto 
me; as MY, and GRACE, and SUFFICIENT, and FOR THEE; they were then, 
and sometimes are still, far bigger than others be.

207.  At which time my understanding was so enlightened, that I was 
as though I had seen the Lord Jesus look down from heaven, through 
the tiles upon me, and direct these words unto me.  This sent me 
mourning home; it broke my heart, and filled me full of joy, and 
laid me low as the dust; only it stayed not long with me, I mean in 
this glory and refreshing comfort; yet it continued with me for 
several weeks, and did encourage me to hope:  but as soon as that 
powerful operation of it was taken from my heart, that other, about 
ESAU, returned upon me as before:  so my soul did hang as in a pair 
of scales again, sometimes up, and sometimes down; now in peace, 
and anon again in terror.

208.  Thus I went on for many weeks, sometimes comforted, and 
sometimes tormented; and especially at sometimes my torment would 
be very sore, for all those scriptures forenamed in the HEBREWS, 
would be set before me, as the only sentences that would keep me 
out of heaven.  Then again I would begin to repent that ever that 
thought went through me; I would also think thus with myself:  WHY, 
HOW MANY SCRIPTURES ARE THERE AGAINST ME?  THERE ARE BUT THREE OR 
FOUR; AND CANNOT GOD MISS THEM, AND SAVE ME FOR ALL THEM?  
Sometimes again I would think, OH! IF IT WERE NOT FOR THESE THREE 
OR FOUR WORDS, NOW HOW MIGHT I BE COMFORTED!  And I could hardly 
forbear at some times, to wish them out of the book.

209.  Then methought I should see as if both PETER and PAUL, and 
JOHN, and all the writers, did look with scorn upon me, and hold me 
in derision; and as if  they had said unto me, ALL OUR WORDS ARE 
TRUTH, ONE OF AS MUCH FORCE AS ANOTHER:  IT IS NOT WE THAT HAVE CUT 
YOU OF, BUT YOU HAVE CAST AWAY YOURSELF.  THERE IS NONE OF OUR 
SENTENCES THAT YOU MUST TAKE HOLD UPON, BUT THESE AND SUCH AS 
THESE; IT IS IMPOSSIBLE, Heb. vi.; THERE REMAINS NO MORE SACRIFICE 
FOR SIN, Heb. x.  AND IT HAD BEEN BETTER FOR THEM NOT TO HAVE KNOWN 
THE WILL OF GOD, THAN AFTER THEY HAD KNOWN IT, TO TURN FROM THE 
HOLY COMMANDMENT DELIVERED UNTO THEM, 2 Peter ii. 21.  FOR THE 
SCRIPTURES CANNOT BE BROKEN.  John x. 35.

210.  These, as the elders of the city of refuge, I saw, were to be 
judges both of my case and me, while I stood with the AVENGER of 
blood at my heels, trembling at their gate for deliverance; also 
with a thousand fears and mistrusts, I doubted that they would shut 
me out for ever.  Joshua xx. 3. 4.

211.  Thus I was confounded, not knowing what to do, or how to be 
satisfied in this question, WHETHER THE SCRIPTURES COULD AGREE IN 
THE SALVATION OF MY SOUL?  I quaked at the apostles; I knew their 
words were true, and that they must stand for ever.

212.  And I remember one day, as I was in divers frames of spirit, 
and considering that these frames were according to the nature of 
several scriptures that came in upon my mind; if this of grace, 
then was I quiet; but of that of ESAU, then tormented.  Lord, 
thought I, IF BOTH THESE SCRIPTURES SHOULD MEET IN MY HEART AT 
ONCE, I WONDER WHICH OF THEM WOULD GET THE BETTER OF ME.  So 
methought I had a longing mind that they might come both together 
upon me; yea, I desired of God they might.

213.  Well, about two or three days after, so they did indeed; they 
bolted both upon me at a time, and did work and struggle strangely 
in me for a while; at last that about ESAU'S birthright began to 
wax weak, and withdraw, and vanish; and this, about the sufficiency 
of grace prevailed with peace and joy.  And as I was in a muse 
about this thing, that scripture came in upon me, MERCY REJOICETH 
AGAINST JUDGMENT.  James ii. 13.

214.  This was a wonderment to me; yet truly, I am apt to think it 
was of God; for the word of the law and wrath, must give place to 
the word of life and grace; because, though the word of 
condemnation be glorious, yet the word of life and salvation doth 
far exceed in glory.  2 Cor. iii. 8-11.  MARK ix. 5-7.  JOHN vi. 
37.  Also that MOSES and ELIAS must both vanish, and leave Christ 
and His saints alone.

215.  This scripture also did now most sweetly visit my soul; AND 
HIM THAT COMETH TO ME, I WILL IN NO WISE CAST OUT.  Oh! the comfort 
that I had from this word, IN NO WISE!  As who should say, BY NO 
MEANS, FOR NOTHING WHATEVER HE HATH DONE.  But Satan would greatly 
labour to pull this promise from me, telling of me, THAT CHRIST DID 
NOT MEAN ME AND SUCH AS I, BUT SINNERS OF A LOWER RANK, THAT HAD 
NOT DONE AS I HAD DONE.  But I would answer him again, SATAN, HERE 
IS IN THESE WORDS NO SUCH EXCEPTION; BUT HIM THAT COMES, HIM, ANY 
HIM:  HIM THAT COMETH TO ME I WILL IN NO WISE CAST OUT.  And this I 
well remember still, that of all the slights that Satan used to 
take this scripture from me, yet he never did so much as put this 
question, BUT DO YOU COME ARIGHT?  And I have thought the reason 
was, because he thought I knew full well what coming aright was; 
for I saw that to come aright, was to come as I was, a vile and 
ungodly sinner, and to cast myself at the feet of mercy, condemning 
myself for sin.  If ever Satan and I did strive for any word of God 
in all my life, it was for this good word of Christ; he at one end, 
and I at the other:  Oh! what work did we make!  It was for this in 
JOHN, I say, that we did so tug and strive, he pulled, and I 
pulled; but God be praised, I got the better of him; I got some 
sweetness from it.

216.  But notwithstanding all these helps, and blessed words of 
grace, yet that of ESAU'S selling of his birthright, would still at 
times distress my conscience:  for though I had been most sweetly 
comforted, and that but just before, yet when that came into my 
mind, 'twould make me fear again:  I could not be quite rid 
thereof, 'twould every day be with me:  wherefore now I went 
another way to work, even to consider the nature of this 
blasphemous thought, I mean, if I should take the words at the 
largest, and give them their own natural force and scope, even 
every word therein:  so when I had thus considered, I found, that 
if they were fairly taken, they would amount to this; THAT I HAD 
FREELY LEFT THE LORD JESUS CHRIST TO HIS CHOICE, WHETHER HE WOULD 
BE MY SAVIOUR OR NO; for the wicked words were these, LET HIM GO, 
IF HE WILL.  Then that scripture gave me hope, I WILL NEVER LEAVE 
THEE, NOR FORSAKE THEE.  Heb. xiii. 5.  'O Lord,' said I, BUT I 
HAVE LEFT THEE.  Then it answered again, BUT I WILL NOT LEAVE THEE.  
For this I thanked God also.

217.  Yet I was grievous afraid He should, and found it exceeding 
hard to trust Him, seeing I had so offended Him:  I could have been 
exceeding glad that this thought had never befallen; for then I 
thought I could with more ease and freedom in abundance, have 
leaned on His grace.  I saw it was with me, as it was with JOSEPH'S 
brethren; the guilt of their own wickedness did often fill them 
with fears that their brother would at last despise them.  Gen. l. 
15, 16, etc.

218.  Yet above all the scriptures that I yet did meet with that in 
JOSHUA xx. was the greatest comfort to me, which speaks of the 
slayer that was to flee for refuge:  AND IF THE AVENGER OF BLOOD 
PURSUE THE SLAYER, then saith MOSES, THEY THAT ARE THE ELDERS OF 
THE CITY OF REFUGE SHALL NOT DELIVER HIM INTO HIS HANDS, BECAUSE HE 
SMOTE HIS NEIGHBOUR UNWITTINGLY AND HATED HIM NOT AFORETIME.  Oh! 
blessed be God for this word:  I was convinced that I was the 
slayer; and that the avenger of blood pursued me, I felt with great 
terror; only now it remained that I inquire whether I have right to 
enter the city of refuge:  so I found, that he must not, WHO LAY IN 
WAIT TO SHED BLOOD:  It was not the wilful MURDERER, but he who 
UNWITTINGLY did it, he who did it unawares; not out of spite, or 
grudge, or malice, he that shed it unwittingly:  even he who did 
not HATE HIS NEIGHBOUR BEFORE.  Wherefore,

219.  I thought verily I was the man that must enter, because I had 
smitten my neighbour UNWITTINGLY, AND HATED HIM NOT AFORETIME.  I 
hated Him not aforetime; no, I prayed unto Him, was tender of 
sinning against Him; yea, and against this wicked temptation I had 
strove for a twelvemonth before; yea, and also when it did pass 
through my heart, it did in spite of my teeth:  wherefore I thought 
I had a right to enter this city, and the elders, which are the 
APOSTLES, were not to deliver me up.  This therefore was great 
comfort to me, and gave me much ground of hope.

220.  Yet being very critical, for my smart had made me that I knew 
not what ground was sure enough to bear me, I had one question that 
my soul did much desire to be resolved about; and that was, WHETHER 
IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ANY SOUL THAT HATH SINNED THE UNPARDONABLE SIN, 
YET AFTER THAT TO RECEIVE, THOUGH BUT THE LEAST, TRUE SPIRITUAL 
COMFORT FROM GOD THOUGH CHRIST?  The which after I had much 
considered, I found the answer was, No, they could not; and that 
for these reasons:-

221.  FIRST, Because those that have sinned that sin, they are 
debarred a share in the blood of Christ; and being shut out of 
that, they must needs be void of the least ground of hope, and so 
of spiritual comfort; FOR TO SUCH THERE REMAINS NO MORE SACRIFICE 
FOR SIN.  Heb. x. 26, 27.  SECONDLY, Because they are denied a 
share in the promise of life:  IT SHALL NEVER BE FORGIVEN HIM 
NEITHER IN THIS WORLD, NEITHER IN THE WORLD TO COME.  Matt. xii. 
32.  THIRDLY, The Son of God excludes them also from a share in His 
blessed intercession, being for ever ashamed to own them, both 
before His holy Father, and the blessed angels in heaven.  Mark 
viii.

222.  When I had with much deliberation considered of this matter, 
and could not but conclude that the Lord had comforted me, and that 
too after this my wicked sin:  then methought I durst venture to 
come nigh unto those most fearful and terrible scriptures, with 
which all this while I had been so greatly affrighted, and on which 
indeed, before I durst scarce cast mine eye (yea, had much ado an 
hundred times, to forbear wishing them out of the Bible), for I 
thought they would destroy me; but now, I say, I began to take some 
measure of encouragement, to come close to them to read them, and 
consider them, and to weigh their scope and tendency.

223.  The which when I began to do, I found their visage changed:  
for they looked not so grimly, as before I thought they did:  and 
first I came to the sixth of the HEBREWS, yet trembling for fear it 
should strike me; which when I had considered, I found that the 
falling there intended, was a falling QUITE AWAY; that is as I 
conceived, a falling from and absolute denying of the gospel, of 
remission of sins by Jesus Christ; for, from them the apostle 
begins his argument, verses 1, 2, 3, 4.  SECONDLY, I found that 
this falling away, must be openly, even in the view of the world, 
even so as TO PUT CHRIST TO AN OPEN SHAME.  THIRDLY, I found those 
he there intended, were for ever shut up of God, both in blindness, 
hardness, and impenitency:  IT IS IMPOSSIBLE THEY SHOULD BE RENEWED 
AGAIN UNTO REPENTANCE.  By all these particulars, I found to God's 
everlasting praise, my sin was not the sin in this place intended.

FIRST, I confessed I was fallen, but not fallen away; that is, from 
the profession of faith in Jesus unto eternal life.

SECONDLY, I confessed that I had put Jesus Christ to SHAME by my 
sin, but not to open SHAME; I did not deny Him before men, nor 
condemn Him as a fruitless One before the world.

THIRDLY, Nor did I find that God had shut me up, or denied me to 
come (though I found it hard work indeed to come) to Him by sorrow 
and repentance:  blessed be God for unsearchable grace!

224.  Then I considered that in the 10th chapter of the HEBREWS, 
and found that the WILFUL SIN there mentioned, is not every wilful 
sin, but that which doth throw off Christ, and then His 
commandments too.  SECONDLY, That must be done also openly, before 
two or three witnesses, to answer that of the law, VERSE 28.  
THIRDLY, This sin cannot be committed, but with great despite done 
to the Spirit of Grace; despising both the dissuasions from that 
sin, and the persuasions to the contrary.  But the Lord knows, 
though this my sin was devilish, yet it did not amount to these.

225.  And as touching that in the 12th of the HEBREWS, about ESAU'S 
selling of his birthright; though this was that which killed me, 
and stood like a spear against me, yet now I did consider, FIRST, 
that his was not a hasty thought against the continual labour of 
his mind, but a thought consented to, and put in practice likewise, 
and that after some deliberation, Gen. xxv.  SECONDLY, It was a 
public and open action, even before his brother, if not before many 
more; this made his sin of a far more heinous nature than otherwise 
it would have been.  THIRDLY, He continued to slight his 
birthright:  HE DID EAT AND DRINK, AND WENT HIS WAY:  thus Esau 
DESPISED HIS BIRTHRIGHT, yea, twenty years after he was found to 
despise it still.  And Esau said, I HAVE ENOUGH, MY BROTHER, KEEP 
THAT THOU HAST UNTO THYSELF.  Gen. xxxiii. 9.

226.  Now as touching this, THAT Esau SOUGHT A PLACE OF REPENTANCE; 
thus I thought:  FIRST, This was not for the BIRTHRIGHT, but THE 
BLESSING:  this is clear from the apostle, and is distinguished by 
Esau himself; HE TOOK AWAY MY BIRTHRIGHT (that is, formerly); AND 
BEHOLD NOW HE HATH TAKEN AWAY MY BLESSING.  Gen. xxvii. 36.  
SECONDLY, Now, this being thus considered, I came again to the 
apostle, to see what might be the mind of God, in a New-Testament 
style and sense concerning ESAU'S sin; and so far as I could 
conceive, this was the mind of God, THAT THE BIRTHRIGHT signified 
REGENERATION, and the BLESSING, the ETERNAL INHERITANCE; for so the 
apostle seems to hint.  LEST THERE BE ANY PROFANE PERSON, AS Esau, 
WHO FOR ONE MORSEL OF MEAT SOLD HIS BIRTHRIGHT; as if he should 
say, That shall cast off all those blessed beginnings of God, that 
at present are upon him, in order to a new-birth; lest they become 
as ESAU, even be rejected AFTERWARDS, when they would inherit the 
blessing.

227.  For many there are, who, in the day of grace and mercy, 
despise those things which are indeed the birthright to heaven, who 
yet when the deciding day appears, will cry as lord as ESAU, LORD, 
LORD, OPEN TO US; but then, as ISAAC would not repent, no more will 
God the Father, but will say, I HAVE BLESSED THESE, YEA, and THEY 
SHALL BE BLESSED; but as for you, DEPART, YOU ARE THE WORKERS OF 
INIQUITY.  Gen. xxvii. 32; Luke xiii. 25-27.

228.  When I had thus considered these scriptures, and found that 
thus to understand them, was not against, but according to other 
scriptures; this still added further to my encouragement and 
comfort, and also gave a great blow to that objection, to wit, THAT 
THE SCRIPTURES COULD NOT AGREE IN THE SALVATION OF MY SOUL.  And 
now remained only the hinder part of the tempest, for the thunder 
was gone beyond me, only some drops did still remain, that now and 
then would fall upon me; but because my former frights and anguish 
were very sore and deep, therefore it oft befall me still, as it 
befalleth those that have been scared with fire.  I thought every 
voice was, FIRE! FIRE!  Every little touch would hurt my tender 
conscience.

229.  But one day, as I was passing in the field, and that too with 
some dashes on my conscience, fearing lest yet all was not right, 
suddenly this sentence fell upon my soul, THY RIGHTEOUSNESS IS IN 
HEAVEN; and methought withal, I saw with the eyes of my soul, Jesus 
Christ at God's right hand:  there, I say, was my righteousness; so 
that wherever I was, or whatever I was doing, God could not say of 
me, HE WANTS MY RIGHTEOUSNESS; for that was just before Him.  I 
also saw moreover, that it was not my good frame of heart that made 
my righteousness better, nor yet my bad frame that made my 
righteousness worse; for my righteousness was Jesus Christ Himself, 
THE SAME YESTERDAY, TO-DAY, AND FOR EVER.  Heb. xiii. 8.

230.  Now did my chains fall off my legs indeed; I was loosed from 
my afflictions and irons; my temptations also fled away; so that 
from that time those dreadful scriptures of God left off to trouble 
me:  now went I also home rejoicing, for the grace and love of God; 
so when I came home, I looked to see if I could find that sentence; 
THY RIGHTEOUSNESS IS IN HEAVEN, but could not find such a saying; 
wherefore my heart began to sink again, only that was brought to my 
remembrance, 1 Cor. i. 30, CHRIST JESUS, WHO OF GOD IS MADE UNTO US 
WISDOM, AND RIGHTEOUSNESS, AND SANCTIFICATION, AND REDEMPTION; by 
this word I saw the other sentence true.

231.  For by this scripture I saw that the Man Christ Jesus, as He 
is distinct from us, as touching His bodily presence, so He is our 
righteousness and sanctification before God.  Here therefore I 
lived, for some time, very sweetly at peace with God through 
Christ; Oh! methought, Christ! Christ! there was nothing but Christ 
that was before my eyes:  I was not now (only) for looking upon 
this and the other benefits of Christ apart, as of His blood, 
burial, or resurrection, but considering Him as a whole Christ! as 
He in whom all these, and all His other virtues, relations, offices 
and operations met together, and that He sat on the right hand of 
God in heaven.

232.  'Twas glorious to me to see His exaltation, and the worth and 
prevalency of all His benefits, and that because now I could look 
from myself to Him and should reckon, that all those graces of God 
that now were green on me, were yet but like those cracked groats 
and fourpence-halfpennies that rich men carry in their purses, when 
their gold is in their trunks at home:  Oh! I saw my gold was in my 
trunk at home!  In Christ my Lord and Saviour.  Now Christ was all; 
all my wisdom, all my righteousness, all my sanctification, and all 
my redemption.

233.  Further, the Lord did also lead me into the mystery of union 
with the Son of God; that I was joined to Him, that I was flesh of 
His flesh, and bone of His bone; and now was that word sweet to me 
in Eph. v. 30.  By this also was my faith in Him, as my 
righteousness, the more confirmed in me; for if He and I were one, 
then His righteousness was mine, His merits mine, His victory also 
mine.  Now could I see myself in heaven and earth at once:  in 
heaven by my Christ, by my head, by my righteousness and life, 
though on earth by my body or person.

234.  Now I saw Christ Jesus was looked upon of God; and should 
also be looked upon by us, as that common or public person, in whom 
all the whole body of His elect are always to be considered and 
reckoned; that we fulfilled the law by Him, died by Him, rose from 
the dead by Him, got the victory over sin, death, the devil, and 
hell, by Him; when He died, we died, and so of His resurrection.  
THY DEAD MEN SHALL LIVE, TOGETHER WITH MY DEAD BODY SHALL THEY 
ARISE, saith He.  Isa. xxvi. 19.  And again, AFTER TWO DAYS HE WILL 
REVIVE US, AND THE THIRD DAY HE WILL RAISE US UP, AND WE SHALL LIVE 
IN HIS SIGHT.  Hosea vi. 2.  Which is now fulfilled by the sitting 
down of the Son of Man on the right hand of the Majesty in the 
heavens; according to that to the EPHESIANS, AND HATH RAISED US UP 
TOGETHER, AND MADE US SIT TOGETHER IN HEAVENLY PLACES IN CHRIST 
JESUS.  Eph. ii. 6.

235.  Ah! these blessed considerations and scriptures, with many 
others of like nature, were in those days made to spangle in mine 
eyes; so that I have cause to say, PRAISE YE THE LORD.  PRAISE GOD 
IN HIS SANCTUARY, PRAISE HIM IN THE FIRMAMENT OF HIS POWER; PRAISE 
HIM FOR HIS MIGHTY ACTS:  PRAISE HIM ACCORDING TO HIS EXCELLENT 
GREATNESS.  Psalm cl. 1, 2.

236.  Having thus in a few words given you a taste of the sorrow 
and affliction that my soul went under, by the guilt and terror 
that this my wicked thought did lay me under; and having given you 
also a touch of my deliverance therefrom, and of the sweet and 
blessed comfort that I met with afterwards, which comfort dwelt 
about a twelvemonth with my heart, to my unspeakable admiration:  I 
will now (God willing), before I proceed any farther, give you in a 
word or two, what, as I conceive, was the cause of this temptation; 
and also after that, what advantage, at the last, it became unto my 
soul.

237.  For the causes, I conceived they were principally two:  of 
which two also I was deeply convinced all the time this trouble lay 
upon me.  The first was, for that I did not, when I was delivered 
from the temptation that went before, still pray to God to to keep 
me from the temptations that were to come; for though, as I can say 
in truth, my soul was much in prayer before this trial seized me, 
yet then I prayed only, or at the most principally, for the removal 
of present troubles, and for fresh discoveries of His love in 
Christ, which I saw afterwards was not enough to do; I also should 
have prayed that the great God would keep me from the evil that was 
to come.

238.  Of this I was made deeply sensible by the prayer of holy 
DAVID, who when he was under present mercy, yet prayed that God 
would hold him back from sin and temptation to come; THEN, saith 
he, SHALL I BE UPRIGHT, AND I SHALL BE INNOCENT FROM THE GREAT 
TRANSGRESSION.  Psalm xix. 13.  By this very word was I galled and 
condemned quite through this long temptation.

239.  That was also another word that did much condemn me for my 
folly, in the neglect of this duty.  Heb. iv. 16:  LET US THEREFORE 
COME BOLDLY UNTO THE THRONE OF GRACE, THAT WE MAY OBTAIN MERCY, AND 
FIND GRACE TO HELP IN TIME OF NEED.  This I had not done, and 
therefore was thus suffered to sin and fall, according to what is 
written, PRAY THAT YE ENTER NOT INTO TEMPTATION.  And truly this 
very thing is to this day of such weight and awe upon me, that I 
dare not, when I come before the Lord, go of my knees, until I 
intreat Him for help and mercy against the temptations that are to 
come; and I do beseech thee, reader, that thou learn to beware of 
my negligence, by the afflictions, that for this thing I did for 
days, and months, and years, with sorrow undergo.

240.  Another cause of this temptation was, that I had tempted God; 
and on this manner did I do it:  Upon a time my wife was great with 
child, and before her full time was come, her pangs, as of a woman 
in travail, were fierce and strong upon her, even as if she would 
have fallen immediately in labour, and been delivered of an 
untimely birth:  now at this very time it was, that I had been so 
strongly tempted to question the being of God; wherefore, as my 
wife lay crying by me, I said, but with all secrecy imaginable, 
even thinking in my heart, LORD, IF THOU WILT NOW REMOVE THIS SAD 
AFFLICTION FROM MY WIFE, AND CAUSE THAT SHE BE TROUBLED NO MORE 
THEREWITH THIS NIGHT (and now were her pangs just upon her), THEN I 
SHALL KNOW THAT THOU CANST DISCERN THE MOST SECRET THOUGHTS OF THE 
HEART.

241.  I had no sooner said it in my heart, but her pangs were taken 
from her, and she was cast into a deep sleep, and so continued till 
morning; at this I greatly marvelled, not knowing what to think; 
but after I had been awake a good while, and heard her cry no more, 
I fell asleep also; so when I awaked in the morning, it came upon 
me again, even what I had said in my heart the last night, and how 
the Lord had showed me, that He knew my secret thoughts, which was 
a great astonishment unto me for several weeks after.

242.  Well, about a year and a half afterwards, that wicked sinful 
thought, of which I have spoken before, went through my wicked 
heart, even this thought, LET CHRIST GO, IF HE WILL:  so when I was 
fallen under the guilt for this, the remembrance of my other 
thought, and of the effect thereof, would also come upon me with 
this retort, which also carried rebuke along with it, NOW YOU MAY 
SEE THAT GOD DOTH KNOW THE MOST SECRET THOUGHTS OF THE HEART.

243.  And with this, that of the passages that were betwixt the 
Lord, and His servant GIDEON, fell upon my spirit; how because that 
GIDEON tempted God with his fleece, both wet and dry, when he 
should have believed and ventured upon His word; therefore the Lord 
did afterwards so try him, as to send him against an innumerable 
company of enemies, and that too, as to outward appearance, without 
any strength or help.  Judges vi. 7.  Thus He served me, and that 
justly, for I should have believed His word, and not have put an IF 
upon the all-seeingness of God.

244.  And now to show you something of the advantages that I also 
have gained by this temptation:  and first, by this I was made 
continually to possess in my soul a very wonderful sense both of 
the blessing and glory of God, and of His beloved Son; in the 
temptation that went before, my soul was perplexed with unbelief, 
blasphemy, hardness of heart, questions about the being of God, 
Christ, the truth of the word, and certainty of the world to come:  
I say, then I was greatly assaulted and tormented with atheism, but 
now the case was otherwise; now was God and Christ continually 
before my face, though not in a way of comfort, but in a way of 
exceeding dread and terror.  The glory of the holiness of God, did 
at this time break me to pieces; and the bowels and compassion of 
Christ did break me as on the wheel; for I could not consider Him 
but as a lost and rejected Christ, the remembrance of which, was as 
the continual breaking of my bones.

245.  The scriptures also were wonderful things unto me; I saw that 
the truth and verity of them were the keys of the kingdom of 
heaven; THOSE that the scriptures favour, THEY must inherit bliss; 
but THOSE that they oppose and condemn, MUST perish for evermore:  
Oh! this word, FOR THE SCRIPTURES CANNOT BE BROKEN, would rend the 
caul of my heart:  and so would that other, WHOSE SINS YE REMIT, 
THEY ARE REMITTED; BUT WHOSE SINS YE RETAIN, THEY ARE RETAINED.  
Now I saw the apostles to be the elders of the city of refuge.  
Joshua xx. 4.  Those that they were to receive in, were received to 
life; but those that they shut out, were to be slain by the avenger 
of blood.

246.  Oh! one sentence of the scripture did more afflict and 
terrify my mind, I mean those sentences that stood against me (as 
sometimes I thought they every one did) more, I say, than an army 
of forty thousand men that might have come against me.  Woe be to 
him against whom the scriptures bend themselves!

247.  By this temptation I was made to see more into the nature of 
the promises than ever I was before; for I lying now trembling 
under the mighty hand of God, continually torn and rent by the 
thundering of His justice:  this made me with careful heart, and 
watchful eye, with great fearfulness to turn over every leaf, and 
with much diligence, mixed with trembling, to consider every 
sentence, together with its natural force and latitude.

248.  By this temptation also I was greatly holden off from my 
former foolish practice of putting by the word of promise when saw 
it came into my mind; for now, though I could not suck that comfort 
and sweetness from the promise, as I had done at other times; yet, 
like to a man sinking, I would catch at all I saw:  formerly I 
thought I might not meddle with the promise, unless I felt its 
comfort, but now 'twas no time thus to do; the avenger of blood too 
hardly did pursue me.

249.  Now therefore I was glad to catch at THAT word which yet I 
feared I had no ground or right to own; and even to leap into the 
bosom of that promise that yet I feared did shut its heart against 
me.  Now also I should labour to take the word as God hath laid it 
down, without restraining the natural force of one syllable 
thereof:  O! what did I now see in that blessed sixth of John:  AND 
HIM THAT COMETH TO ME, I WILL IN NO WISE CAST OUT.  John vi. 37.  
Now I began to consider with myself, that God hath a bigger mouth 
to speak with, than I had a heart to conceive with; I thought also 
with myself, that He spake not His words in haste, or in an 
unadvised heat, but with infinite wisdom and judgment, and in very 
truth and faithfulness.  2 Sam. iii. 28.

250.  I should in these days, often in my greatest agonies, even 
flounce towards the promise (as the horses do towards sound ground, 
that yet stick in the mire); concluding (though as one almost 
bereft of his wits through fear) on this I will rest and stay, and 
leave the fulfilling of it to the God of heaven that made it.  Oh! 
many a pull hath my heart had with Satan, for that blessed sixth of 
John:  I did not now, as at other times, look principally for 
comfort (though, O how welcome would it have been unto me!).  But 
now a word, a word to lean a weary soul upon, that it might not 
sink for ever! 'twas that I hunted for.

251.  Yea, often when I have been making to the promise, I have 
seen as if the Lord would refuse my soul for ever; I was often as 
if I had run upon the pikes, and as if the Lord had thrust at me, 
to keep me from Him, as with a flaming sword.  Then I should think 
of ESTHER, who went to petition the king contrary to the law.  
Esther iv. 16.  I thought also of Benhadad's servants, who went 
with ropes upon their heads to their enemies for mercy.  1 Kings 
xx. 31, etc.  The woman of Canaan also, that would not be daunted, 
though called dog by Christ, Matt. xv., 22, etc., and the man that 
went to borrow bread at midnight, Luke xi. 5-8, etc., were great 
encouragements unto me.

252.  I never saw those heights and depths in grace, and love, and 
mercy, as I saw after this temptation; great sins to draw out great 
grace; and where guilt is most terrible and fierce, there the mercy 
of God in Christ, when showed to the soul, appears most high and 
mighty.  When JOB had passed through his captivity, HE HAD TWICE AS 
MUCH AS HE HAD BEFORE.  Job xlii. 10.  Blessed be God for Jesus 
Christ our Lord.  Many other things I might here make observation 
of, but I would be brief, and therefore shall at this time omit 
them; and do pray God that my harms may make others fear to offend, 
lest they also be made to bear the iron yoke as I did.

I had two or three times, at or about my deliverance from this 
temptation, such strange apprehensions of the grace of God, that I 
could hardly bear up under it:  it was so out of measure amazing, 
when I thought it could reach me, that I do think if that sense of 
it had abode long upon me, it would have made me incapable for 
business.

253.  Now I shall go forward to give you a relation of other of the 
Lord's dealings with me at sundry other seasons, and of the 
temptations I then did meet withal.  I shall begin with what I met 
with when first I did join in fellowship with the people of God in 
BEDFORD.  After I had propounded to the church, that my desire was 
to walk in the order and ordinances of Christ with them, and was 
also admitted by them:  while I thought of that blessed ordinance 
of Christ, which was His last supper with His disciples before His 
death, that scripture, DO THIS IN REMEMBRANCE OF ME, Luke xxii. 19, 
was made a very precious word unto me; for by it the Lord did come 
down upon my conscience with the discovery of His death for my 
sins; and as I then felt, did as if He plunged me in the virtue of 
the same.  But behold, I had not been long a partaker at that 
ordinance, but such fierce and sad temptations did attend me at all 
times therein, both to blaspheme the ordinance, and to wish some 
deadly thing to those that then did eat thereof:  that lest I 
should at any time be guilty of consenting to these wicked and 
fearful thoughts, I was forced to bend myself all the while, to 
pray to God to keep me from such blasphemies:  and also to cry to 
God to bless the bread and cup to them, as it went from mouth to 
mouth.  The reason of this temptation, I have thought since, was, 
because I did not with that reverence that became me at first, 
approach to partake thereof.

254.  Thus I continued for three quarters of a year, and could 
never have rest nor ease:  but at the last the Lord came in upon my 
soul with that same scripture, by which my soul was visited before:  
and after that, I have been usually very well and comfortable in 
the partaking of that blessed ordinance; and have, I trust, therein 
discerned the Lord's body, as broken for my sins, and that His 
precious blood hath been shed for my transgressions.

255.  Upon a time I was something inclining to a consumption, 
wherewith about the spring I was suddenly and violently seized, 
with much weakness in my outward man; insomuch that I thought I 
could not live.  Now began I afresh to give myself up to a serious 
examination after my state and condition for the future, and of my 
evidences for that blessed world to come:  for it hath, I bless the 
name of God, been my usual course, as always, so especially in the 
day of affliction, to endeavour to keep my interest in the life to 
come, clear before mine eyes.

256.  But I had no sooner began to recall to mind my former 
experience of the goodness of God to my soul, but there came 
flocking into my mind an innumerable company of my sins and 
transgressions; amongst which these were at this time most to my 
affliction; namely, my deadness, dulness, and coldness in holy 
duties; my wanderings of heart, of my wearisomeness in all good 
things, my want of love to God, His ways and people, with this at 
the end of all, ARE THESE THE FRUITS OF CHRISTIANITY?  ARE THESE 
TOKENS OF A BLESSED MAN?

257.  At the apprehensions of these things my sickness was doubled 
upon me; for now I was sick in my inward man, my soul was clogged 
with guilt; now also was my former experience of God's goodness to 
me, quite taken out of my mind, and hid as if they had never been, 
or seen:  now was my soul greatly pinched between these two 
considerations, LIVE I MUST NOT, DIE I DARE NOT.  Now I sunk and 
fell in my spirit, and was giving up all for lost; but as I was 
walking up and down in the house as a man in a most woeful state, 
that word of God took hold of my heart, YE ARE JUSTIFIED FREELY BY 
HIS GRACE, THROUGH THE REDEMPTION THAT IS IN CHRIST JESUS.  Rom. 
iii. 24.  But oh! what a turn it made upon me!

258.  Now was I as one awaked out of some troublesome sleep and 
dream; and listening to this heavenly sentence, I was as if I had 
heard it thus expounded to me:  SINNER, THOU THINKEST, THAT BECAUSE 
THY SINS AND INFIRMITIES, I CANNOT SAVE THY SOUL; BUT BEHOLD MY SON 
IS BY ME, AND UPON HIM I LOOK, AND NOT ON THEE, AND SHALL DEAL WITH 
THEE ACCORDING AS I AM PLEASED WITH HIM.  At this I was greatly 
lightened in my mind, and made to understand, that God could 
justify a sinner at any time; it was but His looking upon Christ, 
and imputing His benefits to us, and the work was forthwith done.

259.  And as I was thus in a muse, that scripture also came with 
great power upon my spirit, NOT BY WORKS OF RIGHTEOUSNESS THAT WE 
HAVE DONE, BUT ACCORDING TO HIS MERCY HE HATH SAVED US, ETC.  2 
Tim. i. 9; Tit. iii. 5.  Now was I got on high, I saw myself within 
the arms of grace and mercy; and though I was before afraid to 
think of a dying hour, yet, now I cried, LET ME DIE:  Now death was 
lovely and beautiful in my sight, for I saw WE SHALL NEVER LIVE 
INDEED, TILL WE BE GONE TO THE OTHER WORLD.  Oh! methought this 
life is but a slumber, in comparison with that above.  At this time 
also I saw more in these words, HEIRS OF GOD, Rom. viii. 17, than 
ever I shall be able to express while I live in this world:  HEIRS 
OF GOD!  God Himself is the portion of the saints.  This I saw and 
wondered at, but cannot tell you what I saw.

260.  Again, as I was at another time very ill and weak, all that 
time also the tempter did beset me strongly (for I find he is much 
for assaulting the soul; when it begins to approach towards the 
grave, then is his opportunity), labouring to hide from me my 
former experience of God's goodness:  also setting before me the 
terrors of death, and the judgment of God, insomuch that at this 
time, through my fear of miscarrying for ever (should I now die), I 
was as one dead before death came, and was as if I had felt myself 
already descending into the pit; methought I said, There were no 
way, but to hell I must:  but behold, just as I was in the midst of 
those fears, these words of the angel's carrying LAZARUS into 
ABRAHAM'S bosom darted in upon me, as who should say, SO IT SHALL 
BE WITH THEE WHEN THOU DOST LEAVE THIS WORLD.  This did sweetly 
revive my spirit, and help me to hope in God; which when I had with 
comfort mused on a while, that word fell with great weight upon my 
mind, O DEATH, WHERE IS THY STING?  O GRAVE, WHERE IS THY VICTORY?  
1 Cor. xv. 55.  At this I became both well in body and mind at 
once, for my sickness did presently vanish, and I walked 
comfortably in my work for God again.

261.  At another time, though just before I was pretty well and 
savoury in my spirit, yet suddenly there fell upon me a great cloud 
of darkness, which did so hide from me the things of God and 
Christ, that I was as if I had never seen or known them in my life:  
I was also so overrun in my soul with a senseless heartless frame 
of spirit, that I could not feel my soul to move or stir after 
GRACE and LIFE by CHRIST; I was as if my loins were broken, or as 
if my hands and feet had been tied or bound with chains.  At this 
time also I felt some weakness to seize upon my outward man, which 
made still the other affliction the more heavy and uncomfortable to 
me.

262.  After I had been in this condition some three or four days, 
as I was sitting by the fire, I suddenly felt this word to sound in 
my heart, I MUST GO TO JESUS.  At this my former darkness and 
atheism fled away, and the blessed things of heaven were set in my 
view.  While I was on this sudden thus overtaken with surprise, 
Wife (said I), is there ever such a scripture, I MUST GO TO JESUS?  
She said, she could not tell; therefore I sat musing still, to see 
if I could remember such a place:  I had not sat above two or three 
minutes, but that came bolting in upon me, AND TO AN INNUMERABLE 
COMPANY OF ANGELS; and withal, Hebrews twelfth, about the mount 
SION, was set before mine eyes.  Heb. xii. 22-24.

263.  Then with joy I told my wife, O! NOW I KNOW, I KNOW!  But 
that night was a good night to me, I never had but few better; I 
longed for the company of some of God's people, that I might have 
imparted unto them what God had showed me.  Christ was a precious 
Christ to my soul that night; I could scarce lie in my bed for joy, 
and peace, and triumph, through Christ.  This great glory did not 
continue upon me until morning, yet the twelfth of the Author to 
the Hebrews, Heb. xii. 22, 23, was a blessed scripture to me for 
many days together after this.

264.  The words are these:  YE ARE COME TO MOUNT SION, AND UNTO THE 
CITY OF THE LIVING GOD, THE HEAVENLY JERUSALEM, AND TO AN 
INNUMERABLE COMPANY OF ANGELS, TO THE GENERAL ASSEMBLY AND CHURCH 
OF THE FIRST-BORN, WHICH ARE WRITTEN IN HEAVEN; AND TO GOD THE 
JUDGE OF ALL, AND TO THE SPIRITS OF JUST MEN MADE PERFECT, AND TO 
JESUS THE MEDIATOR OF THE NEW COVENANT, AND TO THE BLOOD OF 
SPRINKLING, THAT SPEAKETH BETTER THINGS THAN THAT OF ABEL.  Through 
this blessed sentence the Lord led me over and over, first to this 
word, and then to that; and showed me wonderful glory in every one 
of them.  These words also have oft since that time, been great 
refreshment to my spirit.  Blessed be God for having mercy on me.


A BRIEF ACCOUNT OF THE AUTHOR'S CALL TO THE WORK OF THE MINISTRY


265.  And now I am speaking my experience, I will in this place 
thrust in a word or two concerning my preaching the word, and of 
God's dealing with me in that particular also.  For after I had 
been about five or six years awakened, and helped myself to see 
both the want and worth of Jesus Christ our Lord, and also enabled 
to venture my soul upon Him; some of the most able among the saints 
with us, I say, the most able for judgment and holiness of life, as 
they conceived, did perceive that God had counted me worth to 
understand something of His will in His holy and blessed word, and 
had given me utterance in some measure, to express what I saw to 
others, for edification; therefore they desired me, and that with 
much earnestness, that I would be willing, at sometimes to take in 
hand, in one of the meetings, to speak a word of exhortation unto 
them.

266.  The which, though at the first it did much dash and abash my 
spirit, yet being still by them desired and entreated, I consented 
to their request, and did twice at two several assemblies (but in 
private), though with much weakness and infirmity, discover my gift 
amongst them; at which they not only seemed to be, but did solemnly 
protest, as in the sight of the great God, they were both affected 
and comforted; and gave thanks to the Father of mercies, for the 
grace bestowed on me.

267.  After this, sometimes, when some of them did go into the 
country to teach, they would also that I should go with them; 
where, though as yet, I did not nor durst not, make use of my gift 
in an open way, yet more privately, still, as I came amongst the 
good people in those places, I did sometimes speak a word of 
admonition unto them also; the which they, as the other, received 
with rejoicing at the mercy of God to me-ward, professing their 
souls were edified thereby.

268.  Wherefore, to be brief; at last, being still desired by the 
church, after some solemn prayer to the Lord, with fasting, I was 
more particularly called forth, and appointed to a more ordinary 
and public preaching of the word, not only to and amongst them that 
believed, but also to offer the gospel to those who had not yet 
received the faith thereof; about which time I did evidently find 
in my mind a secret pricking forward thereto; though I bless God, 
not for desire of vain-glory; for at that time I was most sorely 
afflicted with the fiery darts of the devil, concerning my eternal 
state.

269.  But yet could not be content, unless I was found in the 
exercise of my gift, unto which also I was greatly animated, not 
only by the continual desires of the godly, but also by that saying 
of PAUL to the CORINTHIANS:  I BESEECH YOU, BRETHREN (YE KNOW THE 
HOUSEHOLD OF STEPHANAS, THAT IT IS THE FIRST FRUITS OF ACHAIA, AND 
THAT THEY HAVE ADDICTED THEMSELVES TO THE MINISTRY OF THE SAINTS) 
THAT YE SUBMIT YOURSELVES UNTO SUCH, AND TO EVERY ONE THAT HELPETH 
WITH US, AND LABOURETH.  1 Cor. xvi. 15, 16.

270.   By this text I was made to see that the Holy Ghost never 
intended that men who have gifts and abilities, should bury them in 
the earth, but rather did command and stir up such to the exercise 
of their gift, and also did commend those that were apt and ready 
so to do.  THEY HAVE ADDICTED THEMSELVES TO THE MINISTRY OF THE 
SAINTS.  This scripture, in these days, did continually run in my 
mind, to encourage me, and strengthen me in this my work for God; I 
have also been encouraged from several other scriptures and 
examples of the godly, both specified in the word, and other 
ancient histories:  ACTS viii. 4 and xviii. 24, 25, etc.; 1 PET. 
iv. 10; ROM. xii. 6; FOX'S ACTS and MON.

271.  Wherefore, though of myself of all the saints the most 
unworthy; yet I, but with great fear and trembling at the sight of 
my own weakness, did set upon the work, and did according to my 
gift, and the proportion of my faith, preach that blessed gospel 
that God had showed me in the holy word of truth:  which when the 
country understood, they came in to hear the word by hundreds, and 
that from all parts, though upon sundry and divers accounts.

272.  And I thank God, He gave unto me some measure of bowels and 
pity for their souls, which also did put me forward to labour, with 
great diligence and earnestness, to find out such a word as might, 
if God would bless, lay hold of, and awaken the conscience; in 
which also the good Lord had respect to the desire of His servant; 
for I had not preached long, before some began to be touched, and 
be greatly afflicted in their minds at the apprehension of the 
greatness of their sin, and of their need of Jesus Christ.

273.  But I first could not believe that God should speak by me to 
the heart of any man, still counting myself unworthy; yet those who 
thus were touched, would love me and have a particular respect for 
me; and though I did put it from me, that they should be awakened 
by me, still they would confess it, and affirm it before the saints 
of God:  they would also bless God for me (unworthy wretch that I 
am!) and count me God's instrument that showed to them the way of 
salvation.

274.  Wherefore seeing them in both their words and deeds to be so 
constant, and also in their hearts so earnestly pressing after the 
knowledge of Jesus Christ, rejoicing that ever God did send me 
where they were; then I began to conclude it might be so, that God 
had owned in His work such a foolish one as I; and then came that 
word of God to my heart, with much sweet refreshment, THE BLESSING 
OF HIM THAT WAS READY TO PERISH, IS COME UPON ME; AND I CAUSED THE 
WIDOW'S HEART TO SING FOR JOY.  Job xxix. 13.

275.  At this therefore I rejoiced; yea, the tears of those whom 
God did awaken by my preaching, would be both solace and 
encouragement to me:  for I thought on those sayings, WHO IS HE 
THEN THAT MAKETH ME GLAD, BUT THE SAME WHICH IS MADE SORRY BY ME?  
2 Cor. ii. 2.  And again, IF I BE NOT AN APOSTLE TO OTHERS, YET 
DOUBTLESS, I AM UNTO YOU:  FOR THE SEAL OF MINE APOSTLESHIP ARE YE 
IN THE LORD.  1 Cor. ix. 2.  These things, therefore, were as 
another argument unto me, that God had called me to, and stood by 
me in this work.

276.  In my preaching of the word, I took special notice of this 
one thing, namely, that the Lord did lead me to begin where His 
word begins with sinners; that is, to condemn all flesh, and to 
open and allege, that the curse of God by the law, doth belong to, 
and lay hold on all men as they come into the world, because of 
sin.  Now this part of my work I fulfilled with great sense; for 
the terrors of the law, and guilt for my transgressions, lay heavy 
on my conscience:  I preached what I felt, what I smartingly did 
feel; even that under which my poor soul did groan and tremble to 
astonishment.

277.  Indeed, I have been as one sent to them from the dead; I went 
myself in chains, to preach to them in chains; and carried that 
fire in my own conscience, that I persuaded them to be aware of.  I 
can truly say, and that without dissembling, that when I have been 
to preach, I have gone full of guilt and terror, even to the pulpit 
door, and there it hath been taken off, and I have been at liberty 
in my mind until I have done my work; and then immediately, even 
before I could get down the pulpit stairs, I have been as bad as I 
was before; yet God carried me on, but surely with a strong hand, 
for neither guilt nor hell could take me off my work.

278.  Thus I went on for the space of two years, crying out against 
men's sins, and their fearful state because of them.  After which, 
the Lord came in upon my own soul, with some staid peace and 
comfort through Christ; for He did give me many sweet discoveries 
of His blessed grace through Him; wherefore now I altered in my 
preaching (for still I preached what I saw and felt); now therefore 
I did much labour to hold forth Jesus Christ in all His offices, 
relations, and benefits unto the world; and did strive also to 
discover, to condemn, and remove those false supports and props on 
which the world doth both lean, and by them fall and perish.  On 
these things also I staid as long as on the other.

279.  After this, God led me into something of the mystery of the 
union of Christ; wherefore that I discovered and showed to them 
also.  And, when I had travelled through these three chief points 
of the word of God, about the space of five years or more, I was 
caught in my present practice, and cast into prison, where I have 
lain above as long again to confirm the truth by way of suffering, 
as I was before in testifying of it according to the scriptures, in 
a way of preaching.

280.  When I have been in preaching, I thank God my heart hath 
often all the time of this and the other exercise, with great 
earnestness cried to God that He would make the word effectual to 
the salvation of the soul; still being grieved lest the enemy 
should take the word away from the conscience, and so it should 
become unfruitful:  wherefore I should labour to speak the word, as 
that thereby, if it were possible, the sin and person guilty might 
be particularized by it.

281.  And when I have done the exercise, it hath gone to my heart, 
to think the word should now fall as rain on stony places; still 
wishing from my heart, Oh! that they who have heard me speak this 
day, did but see as I do, what sin, death, hell, and the curse of 
God is; and also what the grace, and love, and mercy of God is, 
through Christ, to men in such a case as they are, who are yet 
estranged from Him.  And indeed, I did often say in my heart before 
the Lord, THAT IF TO BE HANGED UP PRESENTLY BEFORE THEIR EYES, 
WOULD BE A MEANS TO AWAKEN THEM, AND CONFIRM THEM IN THE TRUTH, I 
GLADLY SHOULD BE CONTENTED.

282.  For I have been in my preaching, especially when I have been 
engaged in the doctrine of life by Christ, without works, as if an 
angel of God had stood by at my back to encourage me:  Oh! it hath 
been with such power and heavenly evidence upon my own soul, while 
I have been labouring to unfold it, to demonstrate it, and to 
fasten it upon the conscience of others; that I could not be 
contented with saying, I BELIEVE, AND AM SURE; methought I was more 
than sure (if it be lawful to express myself) that those things 
which then I asserted, were true.

283.  When I first went to preach the word abroad, the doctors and 
priests of the country did open wide against me.  But I was 
persuaded of this, not to render railing for railing; but to see 
how many of their carnal professors I could convince of their 
miserable state by the law, and of the want and worth of Christ:  
for, thought I, THIS SHALL ANSWER FOR ME IN TIME TO COME, WHEN THEY 
SHALL BE FOR MY HIRE BEFORE THEIR FACE.  Gen. xxx. 33.

284.  I never cared to meddle with things that were controverted, 
and in dispute among the saints, especially things of the lowest 
nature; yet it pleased me much to contend with great earnestness 
for the word of faith, and the remission of sins by the death and 
sufferings of Jesus:  but I say, as to other things, I should let 
them alone, because I saw they engendered strife; and because that 
they neither in doing, nor in leaving undone, did commend us to God 
to be His:  besides, I saw my work before me did run into another 
channel, even to carry an awakening word; to that therefore did I 
stick and adhere.

285.  I never endeavoured to, nor durst make use of other men's 
lines, Rom. xv. 18 (though I condemn not all that do), for I verily 
thought, and found by experience, that what was taught me by the 
word and Spirit of Christ, could be spoken, maintained, and stood 
to, by the soundest and best established conscience; and though I 
will not now speak all that I know in this matter, yet my 
experience hath more interest in that text of scripture, Gal. i. 
11, 12, than many amongst men are aware.

286.  If any of those who were awakened by my ministry, did after 
that fall back (as sometimes too many did), I can truly say, their 
loss hath been more to me, than if one of my own children, begotten 
of my own body, had been going to its grave:  I think verily, I may 
speak it without any offence to the Lord, nothing has gone so near 
me as that; unless it was the fear of the loss of the salvation of 
my own soul.  I have counted as if I had goodly buildings and 
lordships in those places where my children were born; my heart 
hath been so wrapped up in the glory of this excellent work, that I 
counted myself more blessed and honoured of God by this, than if He 
had made me the emperor of the Christian world, or the lord of all 
the glory of the earth without it!  Oh these words!  HE WHICH 
CONVERTETH THE SINNER FROM THE ERROR OF HIS WAY, SHALL SAVE A SOUL 
FROM DEATH.  James v. 20.  THE FRUIT OF THE RIGHTEOUS IS A TREE OF 
LIFE; AND HE THAT WINNETH SOULS IS WISE.  Prov. xi. 30.  THEY THAT 
BE WISE SHALL SHINE AS THE BRIGHTNESS OF THE FIRMAMENT, AND THEY 
THAT TURN MANY TO RIGHTEOUSNESS, AS THE STARS FOR EVER AND EVER.  
Dan. xii. 3.  FOR WHAT IS OUR HOPE, OR JOY, OR CROWN OF REJOICING?  
ARE NOT EVEN YE IN THE PRESENCE OF OUR LORD JESUS CHRIST AT HIS 
COMING?  FOR YE ARE OUR GLORY AND JOY.  1 Thes. ii. 19, 20.  These, 
I say, with many others of a like nature, have been great 
refreshments to me.

287.  I have observed, that where I have had a work to do for God, 
I have had first, as it were, the going of God upon my spirit, to 
desire I might preach there:  I have also observed, that such and 
such souls in particular, have been strongly set upon my heart, and 
I stirred up to wish for their salvation; and that these very souls 
have, after this, been given in as the fruits of my ministry.  I 
have observed, that a word cast in, by-the-bye, hath done more 
execution in a sermon, than all that was spoken besides:  sometimes 
also, when I have thought I did no good, then I did the most of 
all; and at other times, when I thought I should catch them, I have 
fished for nothing.

288.  I have also observed, that where there has been a work to do 
upon sinners, there the devil hath begun to roar in the hearts and 
by the mouths of his servants:  yea, oftentimes, when the wicked 
world hath raged most, there hath been souls awakened by the word:  
I could instance particulars, but I forbear.

289.  My great desire in my fulfilling my ministry was to get into 
the darkest places of the country, even amongst those people that 
were farthest off of profession; yet not because I could not endure 
the light (for I feared not to show my gospel to any) but because I 
found my spirit did lean most after awakening and converting work, 
and the word that I carried did lean itself most that way also; 
YEA, SO HAVE I STRIVED TO PREACH THE GOSPEL, NOT WHERE CHRIST WAS 
NAMED, LEST I SHOULD BUILD UPON ANOTHER MAN'S FOUNDATION.  Rom. xv. 
20.

290.  In my preaching I have really been in pain, and have, as it 
were, travailed to bring forth children to God; neither could I be 
satisfied unless some fruits did appear in my work.  If I were 
fruitless, it mattered not who commanded me:  but if I were 
fruitful, I cared not who did condemn.  I have thought of that:  
LO! CHILDREN ARE AN HERITAGE OF THE LORD; AND THE FRUIT OF THE WOMB 
IS HIS REWARD. - AS ARROWS ARE IN THE HAND OF A MIGHTY MAN, SO ARE 
CHILDREN OF THE YOUTH.  HAPPY IS THE MAN THAT HATH HIS QUIVER FULL 
OF THEM:  THEY SHALL NOT BE ASHAMED, BUT THEY SHALL SPEAK WITH THE 
ENEMIES IN THE GATE.  Psalm cxxvii. 3-5.

291.  It pleased me nothing to see people drink in opinions, if 
they seemed ignorant of Jesus Christ, and the worth of their own 
salvation, sound conviction for sin, especially for unbelief, and a 
heart set on fire to be saved by Christ, with strong breathings 
after a truly sanctified soul:  that it was that delighted me; 
those were the souls I counted blessed.

292.  But in this work, as in all other, I had my temptations 
attending me, and that of divers kinds; as sometimes I should be 
assaulted with great discouragement therein, fearing that I should 
not be able to speak a word at all to edification; nay, that I 
should not be able to speak sense unto the people; at which times I 
should have such a strange faintness and strengthlessness seize 
upon my body, that my legs have scarce been able to carry me to the 
place of exercise.

293.  Sometimes again when I have been preaching, I have been 
violently assaulted with thoughts of blasphemy, and strongly 
tempted to speak the words with my mouth before the congregation.  
I have also at some times, even when I have begun to speak the word 
with much clearness, evidence, and liberty of speech, yet been, 
before the ending of that opportunity, so blinded and so estranged 
from the things I have been speaking, and have been also so 
straightened in my speech, as to utterance before the people, that 
I have been as if I had not known, or remembered what I have been 
about; or as if my head had been in a bag all the time of my 
exercise.

294.  Again, when as sometimes I have been about to preach upon 
some smart and searching portion of the word, I have found the 
tempter suggest, WHAT! WILL YOU PREACH THIS!  THIS CONDEMNS 
YOURSELF; OF THIS YOUR OWN SOUL IS GUILTY; WHEREFORE PREACH NOT OF 
IT AT ALL; OR IF YOU DO, YET SO MINCE IT, AS TO MAKE WAY FOR YOUR 
OWN ESCAPE; LEST INSTEAD OF AWAKENING OTHERS, YOU LAY THAT GUILT 
UPON YOUR OWN SOUL, THAT YOU WILL NEVER GET FROM UNDER.

295.  But I thank the Lord, I have been kept from consenting to 
these so horrid suggestions, and have rather, as Sampson, bowed 
myself with all my might, to condemn sin and transgression, 
wherever I found it; yea, though therein also I did bring guilt 
upon my own conscience:  LET ME DIE (thought I), WITH THE 
PHILISTINES, Judges xvi. 29, 30, rather than deal corruptly with 
the blessed word of God.  THOU THAT TEACHEST ANOTHER, TEACHEST THOU 
NOT THYSELF?  It is far better that thou do judge thyself, even by 
preaching plainly unto others, than that thou, to save thyself, 
imprison the truth in righteousness.  Blessed be God for His help 
also in this.

296.  I have also, while found in this blessed work of Christ, been 
often tempted to pride and liftings up of heart:  and though I dare 
not say, I have not been affected with this, yet truly the Lord of 
His precious mercy, hath so carried it towards me, that for the 
most part I have had but small joy to give way to such a thing:  
for it hath been my every day's portion to be let into the evil of 
my own heart, and still made to see such a multitude of corruptions 
and infirmities therein, that it hath caused hanging down of the 
head under all my gifts and attainments; I have felt this thorn in 
the flesh, 2 Cor. xii. 8, 9, the very mercy of God to me.

297.  I have also had, together with this, some notable place or 
other of the word presented before me, which word hath contained in 
it some sharp and piercing sentence concerning the perishing of the 
soul, notwithstanding gifts and parts:  as, for instance, that hath 
been of great use to me:  THOUGH I SPEAK WITH THE TONGUES OF MEN 
AND ANGELS, AND HAVE NOT CHARITY, I AM BECOME AS SOUNDING BRASS, 
AND A TINKLING CYMBAL.  1 Cor. xiii. 1, 2.

298.  A tinkling cymbal is an instrument of music, with which a 
skilful player can make such melodious and heart-inflaming music, 
that all who hear him play, can scarcely hold from dancing; and yet 
behold the cymbal hath not life, neither comes the music from it, 
but because of the art of him that plays therewith; so then the 
instrument at last may come to nought and perish, though in times 
past such music hath been made upon it.

299.  Just thus I saw it was, and will be, with them who have 
gifts, but want saving grace; they are in the hand of Christ, as 
the cymbal in the hand of DAVID:  and as DAVID could with the 
cymbal make that mirth in the service of God, as to elevate the 
hearts of the worshippers, so Christ can use these gifted men, as 
with them to affect the souls of His people in His church; yet when 
He hath done all, hang them by, as lifeless, though sounding 
cymbals.

300.  This consideration therefore, together with some others, were 
for the most part, as a maul on the head of pride, and desire of 
vain-glory.  What, thought I, shall I be proud because I am a 
sounding brass?  Is it so much to be a fiddle? hath not the least 
creature that hath life, more of God in it than these?  Besides, I 
knew 'twas love should never die, but these must cease and vanish:  
so I concluded, a  little grace, a little love, a little of the 
true fear of God, is better than all the gifts:  yea, and I am 
fully convinced of it, that it is possible for souls that can 
scarce give a man an answer, but with great confusion as to method; 
I say, it is possible for them to have a thousand times more grace, 
and so to be more in the love and favour of the Lord, than some who 
by the virtue of the gift of knowledge, can deliver themselves like 
angels.

301.  Thus therefore I came to perceive that, though gifts in 
themselves were good, to the thing for which they are designed, to 
wit, the edification of others; yet empty, and without power to 
save the soul of him that hath them, if they be ALONE:  neither are 
they, as so, any sign of a man's state to be happy, being only a 
dispensation of God to some, of whose improvement, or non-
improvement, they must when a little love more is over, give an 
account to Him that is ready to judge the quick and the dead.

302.  This showed me too, that gifts being alone, were dangerous, 
not in themselves, but because of those evils that attend them that 
have them, to wit, pride, desire of vain glory, self-conceit, etc., 
all which were easily blown up at the applause and commendation of 
every unadvised Christian, to the endangering of a poor creature to 
fall into the condemnation of the devil.

303.  I saw therefore that he that hath gifts, had need be let into 
a sight of the nature of them, to wit, that they come short of 
making of him to be in a truly saved condition, lest he rest in 
them, and so fall short of the grace of God.

304.  He hath cause also to walk humbly with God and be little in 
his own eyes, and to remember withal, that his gifts are not his 
own, but the churches; and that by them he is made a servant to the 
church; and he must also give at last an account of his stewardship 
unto the Lord Jesus, and to give a good account will be a blessed 
thing.

305.  Let all men therefore prize a little with the fear of the 
Lord (gifts indeed are desirable), but yet great grace and small 
gifts are better than great gifts and no grace.  It doth not say, 
the Lord gives gifts and glory, but the Lord gives grace and glory; 
and blessed is such an one, to whom the Lord gives grace, true 
grace; for that is a certain forerunner of glory.

306.  But when Satan perceived that his thus tempting and 
assaulting of me, would not answer his design; to wit, to overthrow 
the ministry, and make it ineffectual, as to the ends thereof:  
then he tried another way, which was, to stir up the minds of the 
ignorant and malicious to load me with slanders and reproaches:  
now therefore I may say, that what the devil could devise, and his 
instruments invent, was whirled up and down the country against me, 
thinking, as I said, that by that means they should make my 
ministry to be abandoned.

 307.  It began therefore to be rumoured up and down among the 
people, that I was a witch, a Jesuit, a highwayman, and the like.

 308.  To all which, I shall only say, God knows that I am 
innocent.  But as for mine accusers, let them provide themselves to 
meet me before the tribunal of the Son of God, there to answer for 
all these things (with all the rest of their iniquities) unless God 
shall give them repentance for them, for the which I pray with all 
my heart.

309.  But that which was reported with the boldest confidence, was, 
that I had my MISSES, my WHORES, my BASTARDS; yea, TWO WIVES at 
once, and the like.   Now these slanders (with the others) I glory 
in, because but slanders, foolish or knavish lies, and falsehoods 
cast upon me by the devil and his seed; and, should I not be dealt 
with thus wickedly by the world, I should want one sign of a saint, 
and a child of God.  BLESSED ARE YE (said the Lord Jesus) WHEN MEN 
SHALL REVILE YOU AND PERSECUTE YOU, AND SHALL SAY ALL MANNER OF 
EVIL AGAINST YOU FALSELY FOR MY SAKE; REJOICE AND BE EXCEEDING 
GLAD, FOR GREAT IS YOUR REWARD IN HEAVEN, FOR SO PERSECUTED THEY 
THE PROPHETS WHICH WERE BEFORE YOU.  Matt. iv. 11.

310.  These things therefore, upon mine own account, trouble me 
not; no, though they were twenty times more than they are.  I have 
a good conscience, and whereas they speak evil of me, as an evil-
doer, they shall be ashamed that falsely accuse my good 
conversation in Christ.

311.  So then, what shall I say to those who have thus bespattered 
me?  Shall I threaten them?  Shall I chide them?  Shall I flatter 
them?  Shall I entreat them to hold their tongues?  No, not I.  
Were it not for that these things make them ripe for damnation, 
that are the authors and abettors, I would say unto them, REPORT 
IT, because 'twill increase my glory.

312.  Therefore I bind these lies and slanders to me as an 
ornament; it belongs to my Christian profession to be vilified, 
slandered, reproached and reviled; and since all this is nothing 
else, as my God and my conscience do bear me witness, I rejoice in 
reproaches for Christ's sake.

313.  I also call all these fools or knaves, that have thus made it 
any thing of their business to affirm any of the things afore-named 
of me; namely, That I have been naught with other women, or the 
like.  When they have used the utmost of their endeavours, and made 
the fullest inquiry that they can, to prove against me truly, that 
there is any woman in heaven, or earth, or hell, that can say, I 
have at any time, in any place, by day or night, so much as 
attempted to be naught with them; and speak I thus to beg my 
enemies into a good esteem of me?  No, not I:  I will in this beg 
belief of no man:  believe or disbelieve me in this, all is a-case 
to me.

314.  My foes have missed their mark in this shooting at me:  I am 
not the man:  I wish that they themselves be guiltless.  If all the 
fornicators and adulterers in ENGLAND were hanged up by the neck 
till they be dead, JOHN BUNYAN, the object of their envy, would be 
still alive and well.  I know not whether there be such a thing as 
a woman breathing under the copes of the whole heaven, but by their 
apparel, their children, or by common fame, except my wife.

315.  And in this I admire the wisdom of God, that He made me shy 
of women from my first conversion until now.  Those shy of women 
know, and can also bear me witness, with whom I have been most 
intimately concerned, that it is a rare thing to see me carry it 
pleasant towards a woman:  the common salutation of women I abhor; 
'tis odious to me in whomsoever I see it.  Their company alone, I 
cannot away with; I seldom so much as touch a woman's hand; for I 
think these things are not so becoming me.  When I have seen good 
men salute those women that they have visited, or that have visited 
them, I have at times made my objection against it; and when they 
have answered, that it was but a piece of civility, I have told 
them, it is not a comely sight.  Some indeed have urged the holy 
kiss; but then I have asked why they made baulks? why they did 
salute the most handsome, and let the ill-favoured go?  Thus, how 
laudable soever such things have been in the eyes of others, they 
have been unseemly in my sight.

316.  And now for a wind-up in this matter, I calling not only men, 
but angels, to prove me guilty of having carnally to do with any 
woman save my wife:  nor am I afraid to do it a second time; 
knowing that it cannot offend the Lord in such a case, to call God 
for a record upon my soul, that in these things I am innocent.  Not 
that I have been thus kept, because of any goodness in me, more 
than any other; but God has been merciful to me, and has kept me; 
to whom I pray that He will keep me still, not only from this, but 
every evil way and work, and preserve me to His heavenly kingdom.  
AMEN.

317.  Now as Satan laboured by reproaches and slanders, to make me 
vile among my countrymen; that, if possible, my preaching might be 
made of none effect; so there was added hereto, a long and tedious 
imprisonment, that thereby I might be frightened from my service 
for Christ, and the world terrified, and made afraid to hear me 
preach; of which I shall in the next place give you a brief 
account.


A BRIEF ACCOUNT OF THE AUTHOR'S IMPRISONMENT


318.  Having made profession of the glorious gospel of Christ a 
long time, and preached the same about five years, I was 
apprehended at a meeting of good people in the country (among whom, 
had they let me alone, I should have preached that day, but they 
took me away from amongst them), and had me before a justice; who, 
after I had offered security for my appearing at the next sessions, 
yet committed me, because my sureties would not consent to be bound 
that I should preach no more to the people.

319.  At the sessions after I was indicted for an upholder and 
maintainer of unlawful assemblies and conventicles, and for not 
conforming to the national worship of the church of ENGLAND; and 
after some conference there with the justices, they taking my plain 
dealing with them for a confession, as they termed it, OF THE 
INDICTMENT, DID SENTENCE ME TO A PERPETUAL BANISHMENT, BECAUSE I 
REFUSED TO CONFORM.  So being again delivered up to the jailer's 
hands, I was had home to prison, and there have lain now complete 
twelve years, waiting to see what God would suffer these men to do 
with me.

320.  In which condition I have continued with much content, 
through grace, but have met with many turnings and goings upon my 
heart, both from the Lord, Satan, and my own corruptions; by all 
which (glory be to Jesus Christ) I have also received among many 
things, much conviction, instruction, and understanding, of which 
at large I shall not here discourse; only give you a hint or two, a 
word that may stir up the godly to bless God, and to pray for me; 
and also to take encouragement, should the case be their own - NOT 
TO FEAR WHAT MAN CAN DO UNTO THEM.

321.  I never had in all my life so great an inlet into the word of 
God as now:  those scriptures that I saw nothing in before, are 
made in this place and state to shine upon me; Jesus Christ also 
was never more real and apparent than now; here I have seen and 
felt Him indeed:  Oh! that word, WE HAVE NOT PREACHED UNTO YOU 
CUNNINGLY DEVISED FABLES, 2 Pet. i. 16, and that, GOD RAISED CHRIST 
FROM THE DEAD, AND GAVE HIM GLORY, THAT OUR FAITH AND HOPE MIGHT BE 
IN GOD 1 Pet. i. 21, were blessed words unto me in this my 
imprisoned condition.

322.  These three or four scriptures also have been great 
refreshments in this condition to me:  John xiv. 1-4; John xvi. 33; 
Col. iii. 3, 4; Heb. xii. 22-24.  So that sometimes when I have 
been in the savour of them, I have been able to laugh at 
destruction, AND TO FEAR NEITHER THE HORSE NOR HIS RIDER.  I have 
had sweet sights of the forgiveness of my sins in this place, and 
of my being with Jesus in another world:  OH! THE MOUNT SION, THE 
HEAVENLY JERUSALEM, THE INNUMERABLE COMPANY OF ANGELS, AND GOD THE 
JUDGE OF ALL, AND THE SPIRITS OF JUST MEN MADE PERFECT, AND JESUS, 
have been sweet unto me in this place:  I have seen that here, that 
I am persuaded I shall never, while in this world, be able to 
express:  I have seen a truth in this scripture, WHOM HAVING NOT 
SEEN, YE LOVE; IN WHOM, THOUGH NOW YOU SEE HIM NOT, YET BELIEVING, 
YE REJOICE WITH JOY UNSPEAKABLE, AND FULL OF GLORY.  1 Pet. i. 8.

323.  I never knew what it was for God to stand by me at all turns, 
and at every offer of Satan to afflict me, etc., as I have found 
Him since I came in hither:  for look how fears have presented 
themselves, so have supports and encouragements; yea, when I have 
started, even as it were, at nothing else but my shadow, yet God, 
as being very tender of me, hath not suffered me to be molested, 
but would with one scripture or another, strengthen me against all; 
insomuch that I have often said, WERE IT LAWFUL, I COULD PRAY FOR 
GREATER TROUBLE, FOR THE GREATER COMFORT'S SAKE.  Eccl. vii. 14; 2 
Cor. i. 5.

324.  Before I came to prison, I saw what was coming, and had 
especially two considerations warm upon my heart; the first was, 
how to be able to encounter death, should that be here my portion.  
For the first of these, that scripture, Col. i. 11, was great 
information to me, namely, to pray to God TO BE STRENGTHENED WITH 
ALL MIGHT, ACCORDING TO HIS GLORIOUS POWER, UNTO ALL PATIENCE AND 
LONG-SUFFERING WITH JOYFULNESS.  I could seldom go to prayer before 
I was imprisoned; but for not so little as a year together, this 
sentence, or sweet petition would, as it were, thrust itself into 
my mind, and persuade me, that if ever I would go through long-
suffering, I must have all patience, especially if I would endure 
it joyfully.

325.  As to the second consideration, that saying  (2 Cor. i. 9) 
was of great use to me, BUT WE HAD THE SENTENCE OF DEATH IN 
OURSELVES, THAT WE SHOULD NOT TRUST IN OURSELVES, BUT IN GOD, WHICH 
RAISETH THE DEAD.  By this scripture I was made to see, That if 
ever I would suffer rightly, I must first pass a sentence of death 
upon every thing that can properly be called a thing of this life, 
even to reckon myself, my wife, my children, my health, my 
enjoyments, and all as dead to me, and myself as dead to them.

326.  The second was to live upon God that is invisible, as Paul 
said in another place; the way not to faint is, TO LOOK NOT ON THE 
THINGS THAT ARE SEEN, BUT AT THE THINGS THAT ARE NOT SEEN; FOR THE 
THINGS THAT ARE SEEN ARE TEMPORAL, BUT THE THINGS THAT ARE NOT SEEN 
ARE ETERNAL.  And thus I reasoned with myself, if I provide only 
for a prison, then the whip comes at unawares; and so doth also the 
pillory:  Again, if I only provide for these, then I am not fit for 
banishment.  Further, if I conclude that banishment is the worst, 
then if death comes, I am surprised:  so that I see, the best way 
to go through sufferings, is to trust in God through Christ, as 
touching the world to come; and as touching this world, TO COUNT 
THE GRAVE MY HOUSE, TO MAKE MY BED IN DARKNESS; TO SAY TO 
CORRUPTION, THOU ART MY FATHER, AND TO THE WORM, THOU ART MY MOTHER 
AND SISTER:  that is, to familiarize these things to me.

327.  But notwithstanding these helps, I found myself a man and 
compassed with infirmities; the parting with my wife and poor 
children, hath often been to me in this place, as the pulling the 
flesh from the bones, and that not only because I am somewhat too 
fond of these great mercies, but also because I should have often 
brought to my mind the many hardships, miseries, and wants that my 
poor family was like to meet with, should I be taken from them, 
especially my poor blind child, who lay nearer my heart than all 
besides:  Oh! the thoughts of the hardship I thought my poor blind 
one might go under, would break my heart to pieces.

328.  Poor child! thought I, what sorrow art thou like to have for 
thy portion in this world!  Thou must be beaten, must beg, suffer 
hunger, cold, nakedness, and a thousand calamities, though I cannot 
now endure the wind should blow upon thee.  But yet recalling 
myself, thought I, I must venture you all with God, though it goeth 
to the quick to leave you:  Oh! I saw in this condition I was as a 
man who was pulling down his house upon the head of his wife and 
children; yet, thought I, I must do it, I must do it:  and now I 
thought on those TWO MILCH KINE THAT WERE TO CARRY THE ARK OF GOD 
INTO ANOTHER COUNTRY, AND TO LEAVE THEIR CALVES BEHIND THEM.  1 
Sam. vi. 10-12.

329.  But that which helped me in this temptation, was divers 
considerations, of which, three in special here I will name, the 
first was the consideration of these two scriptures, LEAVE THY 
FATHERLESS CHILDREN, I WILL PRESERVE THEM ALIVE, AND LET THY WIDOWS 
TRUST IN ME:  and again, THE LORD SAID, VERILY IT SHALL BE WELL 
WITH THY REMNANT, VERILY, I WILL CAUSE THE ENEMY TO ENTREAT THEE 
WELL IN THE TIME OF EVIL, AND IN TIME OF AFFLICTION.  Jer. xlix. 
11; xv. 11.

330.  I had also this consideration, that if I should not venture 
all for God, I engaged God to take care of my concernments:  but if 
I forsook Him and His ways, for fear of any trouble that should 
come to me or mine, then I should not only falsify my profession, 
but should count also that my concernments were not so sure, if 
left at God's feet, whilst I stood to and for His name, as they 
would be if they were under my own care, though with the denial of 
the way of God.  This was a smarting consideration, and as spurs 
unto my flesh.  That scripture also greatly helped it to fasten the 
more upon me, where Christ prays against Judas, that God would 
disappoint him in his selfish thoughts, which moved him to sell his 
Master.  Pray read it soberly:  Psalm cix. 6-8, etc.

331.  I had also another consideration, and that was, the dread of 
the torments of hell, which I was sure they must partake of that 
for fear of the cross, do shrink from their profession of Christ, 
His words and laws before the sons of men:  I thought also of the 
glory that He had prepared for those that in faith, and love, and 
patience, stood to His ways before them.  These things, I say, have 
helped me, when the thoughts of the misery that both myself and 
mine, might for the sake of my profession be exposed to, hath lain 
pinching on my mind.

332.  When I have indeed conceited that I might be banished for my 
profession, then I have thought of that scripture:  THEY WERE 
STONED, THEY WERE SAWN ASUNDER, WERE TEMPTED, WERE SLAIN WITH THE 
SWORD, THEY WANDERED ABOUT IN SHEEP-SKINS, AND GOAT-SKINS, BEING 
DESTITUTE, AFFLICTED, TORMENTED, OF WHOM THE WORLD WAS NOT WORTHY; 
for all they thought they were too bad to dwell and abide amongst 
them.  I have also thought of that saying, THE HOLY GHOST 
WITNESSETH IN EVERY CITY, THAT BONDS AND AFFLICTIONS ABIDE ME.  I 
have verily thought that MY soul and IT have sometimes reasoned 
about the sore and sad estate of a banished and exiled condition, 
how they were exposed to hunger, to cold, to perils, to nakedness, 
to enemies, and a thousand calamities; and at last, it may be, to 
die in a ditch, like a poor and desolate sheep.  But I thank God, 
hitherto I have not been moved by these most DELICATE reasonings, 
but have rather, by them, more approved my heart to God.

333.  I will tell you a pretty business:- I was once above all the 
rest, in a very sad and low condition for many weeks; at which time 
also, I being but a young prisoner, and not acquainted with the 
laws, had this lying much upon my spirits, THAT MY IMPRISONMENT 
MIGHT END AT THE GALLOWS FOR OUGHT THAT I COULD TELL.  Now 
therefore Satan laid hard at me, to beat me out of heart, by 
suggesting thus unto me:  BUT HOW IF, WHEN YOU COME INDEED TO DIE, 
YOU SHOULD BE IN THIS CONDITION; THAT IS, AS NOT TO SAVOUR THE 
THINGS OF GOD, NOR TO HAVE ANY EVIDENCE UPON YOUR SOUL FOR A BETTER 
STATE HEREAFTER? (for indeed at that time all the things of God 
were hid from my soul).

334.  Wherefore, when I at first began to think of this, it was a 
great trouble to me; for I thought with myself, that in the 
condition I now was in, I was not fit to die, neither indeed did I 
think I could, if I should be called to it; besides, I thought with 
myself, if I should make a scrambling shift to clamber up the 
ladder, yet I should either with quaking, or other symptoms of 
fainting, give occasion to the enemy to reproach the way of God and 
His people for their timorousness.  This, therefore, lay with great 
trouble upon me, for methought I was ashamed to die with a pale 
face, and tottering knees, in such a cause as this.

335.  Wherefore I prayed to God that He would comfort me, and give 
me strength to do and suffer me what He should call me to; yet no 
comfort appeared, but all continued hid:  I was also at this time, 
so really possessed with the thought of death, that oft I was as if 
I was on a ladder with the rope about my neck; only this was some 
encouragement to me; I thought I might now have an opportunity to 
speak my last words to a multitude, which I thought would come to 
see me die; and, thought I, if it must be so, if God will but 
convert one soul by my very last words, I shall not count my life 
thrown away, nor lost.

336.  But yet all the things of God were kept out of my sight, and 
still the tempter followed me with, BUT WHITHER MUST YOU GO WHEN 
YOU DIE? WHAT WILL BECOME OF YOU? WHERE WILL YOU BE FOUND IN 
ANOTHER WORLD? WHAT EVIDENCE HAVE YOU FOR HEAVEN AND GLORY, AND AN 
INHERITANCE AMONG THEM THAT ARE SANCTIFIED?  Thus was I tossed for 
many weeks, and knew not what to do; at last this consideration 
fell with weight upon me, THAT IT WAS FOR THE WORD AND WAY OF GOD 
THAT I WAS IN THIS CONDITION, WHEREFORE I WAS ENGAGED NOT TO FLINCH 
AN HAIR'S BREADTH FROM IT.

337.  I thought also, that God might choose whether He would give 
me comfort now, or at the hour of death; but I might not therefore 
choose whether I would hold my profession or no:  I was bound, but 
He was free; yea, 'twas my duty to stand to His word, whether He 
would ever look upon me or save me at the last:  wherefore, thought 
I, save the point being thus, I am for going on, and venturing my 
eternal state with Christ, whether I have comfort here or no; if 
God doth not come in, thought I, I WILL LEAP OFF THE LADDER EVEN 
BLINDFOLD INTO ETERNITY, SINK OR SWIM, COME HEAVEN, COME HELL, LORD 
JESUS, IF THOU WILT CATCH ME, DO; IF NOT, I WILL VENTURE FOR THY 
NAME.

338.  I was no sooner fixed in this resolution, but the word 
dropped upon me, DOTH JOB SERVE GOD FOR NOUGHT?  As if the accuser 
had said, LORD, JOB IS NO UPRIGHT MAN, BE SERVES THEE FOR BYE-
RESPECTS:  HAST THOU NOT MADE AN HEDGE ABOUT HIM, ETC.  BUT PUT 
FORTH NOW THINE HAND, AND TOUCH ALL THAT HE HATH, AND, HE WILL 
CURSE THEE TO THY FACE.  How now! thought I, is this the sign of an 
upright soul, to desire to serve God, when all is taken from him?  
Is he a godly man that will serve God for nothing, rather than give 
out!  Blessed be God! then I hope I have an upright heart, for I am 
resolved (God giving me strength) never to deny my profession, 
though I have nothing at all for my pains:  and as I was thus 
considering, that scripture was set before me:  Psalm xliv. 12, 
etc.

339.  Now was my heart full of comfort; for I hoped it was sincere:  
I would not have been without this trial for much; I am comforted 
every time I think of it, and I hope I shall bless God for ever, 
for the teaching I have had by it.  Many more of the dealings 
towards me I might relate, BUT THESE OUT OF THE SPOILS WON IN 
BATTLE I HAVE DEDICATED TO MAINTAIN THE HOUSE OF GOD.  1 Chron. 
xxvi. 27.


THE CONCLUSION


1.  OF all the temptations that ever I met with in my life, to 
question the being of God, and truth of His gospel is the worst, 
and the worst to be borne; when this temptation comes, it takes 
away my girdle from me, and removeth the foundation from under me:  
Oh! I have often thought of that word, HAVE YOUR LOINS GIRT ABOUT 
WITH TRUTH; and of that, WHEN THE FOUNDATIONS ARE DESTROYED, WHAT 
CAN THE RIGHTEOUS DO?

2.  Sometimes, when after sin committed, I have looked for sore 
chastisement from the hand of God, the very next that I have had 
from Him, hath been the discovery of His grace.  Sometimes when I 
have been comforted, I have called myself a fool for my so sinking 
under trouble.  And then again, when I have been cast down, I 
thought I was not wise, to give such way to comfort; with such 
strength and weight have both these been upon me.

3.  I have wondered much at this one thing, that though God doth 
visit my soul with never so blessed a discovery of Himself, yet I 
have found again, that such hours have attended me afterwards, that 
I have been in my spirit so filled with darkness, that I could not 
so much as once conceive what that God and that comfort was, with 
which I have been refreshed.

4.  I have sometimes seen more in a line of the Bible, than I could 
well tell how to stand under; and yet at another time, the whole 
Bible hath been to me as dry as a stick; or rather, My heart hath 
been so dead and dry unto it, that I could not conceive the 
refreshment, though I have looked it all over.

5.  Of all fears, they are best that are made by the blood of 
Christ; and of all joy, that is the sweetest that is mixed with 
mourning over Christ:  Oh! it is a goodly thing to be on our knees, 
with Christ in our arms, before God:  I hope I know something of 
these things.

6.  I find to this day seven abominations in my heart:  1. 
Inclining to unbelief; 2. Suddenly to forget the love and mercy 
that Christ manifesteth; 3. A leaning to the works of the law; 4. 
Wanderings and coldness in prayer; 5. To forget to watch for that I 
pray for; 6. Apt to murmur because I have no more, and yet ready to 
abuse what I have; 7. I can do none of those things which God 
commands me, but my corruptions will thrust in themselves.  When I 
would do good, evil is present with me.

7.  These things I continually see and feel, and am afflicted and 
oppressed with, yet the wisdom of God doth order them for my good; 
1. They make me abhor myself; 2. They keep me from trusting my 
heart; 3. They convince me of the insufficiency of all inherent 
righteousness; 4. They show me the necessity of flying to Jesus; 5. 
They press me to pray unto God; 6. They show me the need I have to 
watch and be sober; 7. And provoke me to pray unto God, through 
Christ, to help me, and carry me through this world.


A RELATION OF MY IMPRISONMENT IN THE MONTH OF NOVEMBER 1660


WHEN, by the good hand of my God, I had for five or six years 
together, without any interruption, freely preached the blessed 
gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ; and had also, through His blessed 
grace, some encouragement by His blessing thereupon; the devil, 
that old enemy of man's salvation, took his opportunity to inflame 
the hearts of his vassals against me, insomuch that at the last, I 
was laid out for by the warrant of a justice, and was taken and 
committed to prison.  The relation thereof is as followeth:-

Upon the 12th of this instant, November 1660, I was desired by some 
of the friends in the country to come to teach at SAMSELL, by 
HARLINGTON, in BEDFORDSHIRE.  To whom I made a promise, if the Lord 
permitted, to be with them on the time aforesaid.  The justice 
hearing thereof (whose name is Mr FRANCIS WINGATE), forthwith 
issued out his warrant to take me, and bring me before him, and in 
the meantime to keep a very strong watch about the house where the 
meeting should be kept, as if we that were to meet together in that 
place did intend to do some fearful business, to the destruction of 
the country; when alas! the constable, when he came in, found us 
only with our Bibles in our hands, ready to speak and hear the word 
of God; for we were just about to begin our exercise.  Nay, we had 
begun in prayer for the blessing of God upon our opportunity, 
intending to have preached the word of the Lord unto them there 
present:  but the constable coming in prevented us.  So I was taken 
and forced to depart the room.  But had I been minded to have 
played the coward, I could have escaped and kept out of his hands.  
For when I was come to my friend's house, there was whispering that 
that day I should be taken, for there was a warrant out to take me; 
which when my friend heard, he being somewhat timorous, questioned 
whether we had best have our meeting or not; and whether it might 
not be better for me to depart, lest they should take me and have 
me before the justice, and after that send me to prison (for he 
knew better than I what spirit they were of, living by them):  to 
whom I said, No, by no means, I will not stir, neither will I have 
the meeting dismissed for this.  Come, be of good cheer; let us not 
be daunted; our cause is good, we need not be ashamed of it; to 
preach God's Word, is so good a work, that we shall be well 
rewarded, if we suffer for that; or to this purpose - (But as for 
my friend, I think he was more afraid of me, than of himself.)  
After this I walked into the close, where I somewhat seriously 
considering the matter, this came into my mind, That I had showed 
myself hearty and courageous in my preaching, and had, blessed be 
grace, made it my business to encourage others; therefore thought 
I, if I should now run, and make an escape, it will be of a very 
ill savour in the country.  For what will my weak and newly-
converted brethren think of it, but that I was not so strong in 
deed as I was in word?  Also I feared that if I should run now 
there was a warrant out for me, I might by so doing make them 
afraid to stand, when great words only should be spoken to them.  
Besides I thought, that seeing God of His mercy should choose me to 
go upon the forlorn hope in this country; that is, to be the first, 
that should be opposed, for the gospel; if I should fly, it might 
be a discouragement to the whole body that might follow after.  And 
further, I thought the world thereby would take occasion at my 
cowardliness, to have blasphemed the gospel, and to have had some 
ground to suspect worse of me and my profession, than I deserved.  
These things with others considered by me, I came in again to the 
house, with a full resolution to keep the meeting, and not to go 
away, though I could have been gone about an hour before the 
officer apprehended me; but I would not; for I was resolved to see 
the utmost of what they could say or do unto me.  For blessed be 
the Lord, I knew of no evil that I had said or done.  And so, as 
aforesaid, I begun the meeting.  But being prevented by the 
constable's coming in with his warrant to take me, I could not 
proceed.  But before I went away, I spake some few words of counsel 
and encouragement to the people, declaring to them, that they saw 
we were prevented of our opportunity to speak and hear the Word of 
God, and were like to suffer for the same; desiring them that they 
would not be discouraged, for it was a mercy to suffer upon so good 
account.  For we might have been apprehended as thieves or 
murderers, or for other wickedness; but blessed be God it was not 
so, but we suffer as Christians for well doing:  and we had better 
be the persecuted, than the persecutors, etc.  But the constable 
and the justice's man waiting on us, would not be at quiet till 
they had me away and that we departed the house.  But because the 
justice was not at home that day, there was a friend of mine 
engaged for me to bring me to the constable on the morrow morning.  
Otherwise the constable must have charged a watch with me, or have 
secured me some other way, my crime was so great.  So on the next 
morning we went to the constable, and so to the justice.  He asked 
the constable what we did, where we was met together, and what we 
had with us?  I trow, he meant whether we had armour or not; but 
when the constable told him that there were only met a few of us 
together to preach and hear the Word, and no sign of anything else, 
he could not well tell what to say:  yet because he had sent for 
me, he did adventure to put out a few proposals to me, which were 
to this effect, namely, What I did there?  And why I did not 
content myself with following my calling? for it was against the 
law, that such as I should be admitted to do as I did.

JOHN BUNYAN.  To which I answered, That the intent of my coming 
thither, and to other places, was to instruct, and counsel people 
to forsake their sins, and close in with Christ, lest they did 
miserably perish; and that I could do both these without confusion 
(to wit), follow my calling, and preach the Word also.

At which words, he was in a chafe, as it appeared; for he said that 
he would break the neck of our meetings.

BUN.  I said, It may be so.  Then he wished me to get sureties to 
be bound for me, or else he would send me to the jail.

My sureties being ready, I called them in, and when the bond for my 
appearance was made, he told them, that they was bound to keep me 
from preaching; and that if I did preach, their bonds would be 
forfeited.  To which I answered, that then I should break them; for 
I should not leave speaking the Word of God:  even to counsel, 
comfort, exhort, and teach the people among whom I came; and I 
thought this to be a work that had no hurt in it:  but was rather 
worthy of commendation, than blame.

WINGATE.  Whereat he told me, that if they would not be so bound, 
my mittimus must be made, and I sent to the jail, there to lie to 
the quarter sessions.

Now while my mittimus was making, the justice was withdrawn; and in 
comes an old enemy to the truth, Dr Lindale, who, when he was come 
in, fell to taunting at me with many reviling terms.

BUN.  To whom I answered, that I did not come thither to talk with 
him, but with the justice.  Whereat he supposed that I had nothing 
to say for myself, and triumphed as if he had got the victory; 
charging and condemning me for meddling with that for which I could 
show no warrant; and asked me, if I had taken the oaths? and if I 
had not, it was pity but that I should be sent to prison, etc.

I told him, that if I was minded, I could answer to any sober 
question that he should put to me.  He then urged me again, how I 
could prove it lawful for me to preach, with a great deal of 
confidence of the victory.

But at last, because he should see that I could answer him if I 
listed, I cited to him that verse in Peter, which saith, EVERY MAN 
HATH RECEIVED THE GIFT, EVEN SO LET HIM MINISTER THE SAME, ETC.

LIND.  Aye, saith he, to whom is that spoken?

BUN.  To whom, said I, why to every man that hath received a gift 
from God.  Mark, saith the apostle, AS EVERY MAN THAT HATH RECEIVED 
A GIFT FROM GOD, etc.; and again, YOU MAY ALL PROPHESY ONE BY ONE.  
Whereat the man was a little stopt, and went a softlier pace:  but 
not being willing to lose the day, he began again, and said:-

LIND.  Indeed, I do remember that I have read of one Alexander a 
coppersmith, who did much oppose, and disturb the apostles; - 
(aiming it is like at me, because I was a tinker).

BUN.  To which I answered, that I also had read of very many 
priests and pharisees, that had their hands in the blood of our 
Lord Jesus Christ.

LIND.  Aye, saith he, and you are one of those scribes and 
pharisees:  for you, with a pretence, make long prayers to devour 
widows' houses.

BUN.  I answered, that if he had got no more by preaching and 
praying than I had done, he would not be so rich as now he was.  
But that scripture coming into my mind, ANSWER NOT A FOOL ACCORDING 
TO HIS FOLLY, I was as sparing of my speech as I could, without 
prejudice to truth.

Now by this time my mittimus was made, and I committed to the 
constable, to be sent to the jail in Bedford, etc.

But as I was going, two of my brethren met with me by the way, and 
desired the constable to stay, supposing that they should prevail 
with the justice, through the favour of a pretended friend, to let 
me go at liberty.  So we did stay, while they went to the justice; 
and after much discourse with him, it came to this:  that if I 
would come to him again, and say some certain words to him, I 
should be released.  Which when they told me, I said if the words 
was such that might be said with a good conscience, I should or 
else I should not.  So through their importunity went back again, 
but not believing that I should be delivered:  for I feared their 
spirit was too full of opposition to the truth to let me go, unless 
I should, in something or other, dishonour my God and wound my 
conscience.  Wherefore, as I went, I lifted up my heart to God, for 
light and strength to be kept, that I might not do any thing that 
might either dishonour Him, or wrong my own soul, or be a grief or 
discouragement to any that was inclining after the Lord Jesus 
Christ.

Well, when I came to the justice again, there was Mr FOSTER of 
Bedford, who, coming out of another room, and seeing me by the 
light of the candle (for it was dark night when I went thither), he 
said unto me, Who is there? JOHN BUNYAN? with such seeming 
affection, as if he would have leaped on my neck and kissed me, 
which made me somewhat wonder, that such a man as he, with whom I 
had so little acquaintance, and, besides, that had ever been a 
close opposer of the ways of God, should carry himself so full of 
love to me; but, afterwards, when I saw what he did, it caused me 
to remember those sayings, THEIR TONGUES ARE SMOOTHER THAN OIL, BUT 
THEIR WORDS ARE DRAWN SWORDS.   And again, BEWARE OF MEN, ETC.  
When I had answered him, that blessed be God, I was well; he said, 
What is the occasion of your being here? or to that purpose.  To 
whom I answered, that I was at a meeting of people a little way 
off, intending to speak a word of exhortation to them; the justice 
hearing thereof, said I, was pleased to send his warrant to fetch 
me before him, etc.

FOST.  So (said he), I understand:  but well, if you will promise 
to call the people no more together, you shall have your liberty to 
go home; for my brother is very loath to send you to prison, if you 
will be but ruled.

BUN.  Sir (said I), pray what do you mean by calling the people 
together? my business is not anything among them, when they are 
come together, but to exhort them to look after the salvation of 
their souls, that they may be saved, etc.

FOST.  Saith he, We must not enter into explication, or dispute 
now; but if you will say you will call the people no more together, 
you may have your liberty; if not, you must be sent away to prison.

BUN.  Sir, said I, I shall not force or compel any man to hear me; 
but yet, if I come into any place where there is a people met 
together, I should, according to the best of my skill and wisdom, 
exhort and counsel them to seek out after the Lord Jesus Christ, 
for the salvation of their souls.

FOST.  He said, That was none of my work; I must follow my calling; 
and if I would but leave off preaching, and follow my calling, I 
should have the justice's favour, and be acquitted presently.

BUN.  To whom I said, that I could follow my calling, and that too, 
namely, preaching the Word:  and I did look upon it as my duty to 
do them both, as I had an opportunity.

FOST.  He said, To have any such meetings was against the law; and, 
therefore, he would have me leave off, and say, I would call the 
people no more together.

BUN.  To whom I said, that I durst not make any further promise; 
for my conscience would not suffer me to do it.  And again, I did 
look upon it as my duty to do as much good as I could, not only in 
my trade, but also in communicating to all people wheresoever I 
came the best knowledge I had in the Word.

FOST.  He told me that I was the nearest the Papists of any, and 
that he would convince me of immediately.

BUN.  I asked him, Wherein?

FOST.  He said, In that we understood the Scriptures literally.

BUN.  I told him that those that were to be understood literally, 
we understood them so; but for those that was to be understood 
otherwise, we endeavoured so to understand them.

FOST.  He said, Which of the Scriptures do you understand 
literally?

BUN.  I said this, HE THAT BELIEVES SHALL BE SAVED.  This was to be 
understood just as it is spoken; that whosoever believeth in Christ 
shall, according to the plain and simple words of the text, be 
saved.

FOST.  He said that I was ignorant, and did not understand the 
Scriptures; for how, said he, can you understand them when you know 
not the original Greek? etc.

BUN.  To whom I said, that if that was his opinion, that none could 
understand the Scriptures but those that had the original Greek, 
etc., then but a very few of the poorest sort should be saved (this 
is harsh); yet the Scripture saith, THAT GOD HIDES THESE THINGS 
FROM THE WISE AND PRUDENT (that is, from the learned of the world), 
AND REVEALS THEM TO BABES AND SUCKLINGS.

FOST.  He said there were none that heard me but a company of 
foolish people.

BUN.  I told him that there was the wise as well as the foolish 
that do hear me; and again, those that were most commonly counted 
foolish by the world are the wisest before God; also, that God had 
rejected the wise, and mighty, and noble, and chosen the foolish, 
and the base.

FOST.  He told me that I made people neglect their calling; and 
that God had commanded people to work six days, and serve Him on 
the seventh.

BUN.  I told him that it was the duty of people, (both rich and 
poor), to look out for their souls on them days as well as for 
their bodies; and that God would have His people exhort one another 
daily, while it is called to-day.

FOST.  He said again that there were none but a company of poor, 
simple, ignorant people that come to hear me.

BUN.  I told him that the foolish and the ignorant had most need of 
teaching and information; and, therefore, it would be profitable 
for me to go on in that work.

FOST.  Well, said he, to conclude, but will you promise that you 
will not call the people together any more? and then you may be 
released and go home.

BUN.  I told him that I durst say no more than I had said; for I 
durst not leave off that work which God had called me to.

So he withdrew from me, and then came several of the justice's 
servants to me, and told me that I stood so much upon a nicety.  
Their master, they said, was willing to let me go; and if I would 
but say I would call the people no more together, I might have my 
liberty, etc.

BUN.  I told them there were more ways than one in which a man 
might be said to call the people together.  As for instance, if a 
man get upon the market-place, and there read a book, or the like, 
though he do not say to the people, Sirs, come hither and hear; yet 
if they come to him because he reads, he, by his very reading, may 
be said to call them together; because they would not have been 
there to hear if he had not been there to read.  And seeing this 
might be termed a calling the people together; I durst not say, I 
would not call them together; for then, by the same argument, my 
preaching might be said to call them together.

WING. AND FOST.  Then came the justice and Mr Foster to me again; 
(we had a little more discourse about preaching, but because the 
method of it is out of my mind, I pass it); and when they saw that 
I was at a point, and would not be moved nor persuaded, Mr Foster, 
the man that did at first express so much love to me, told the 
justice that then he must send me away to prison.  And that he 
would do well, also, if he would present all those that were the 
cause of my coming among them to meetings.  Thus we parted.

And, verily, as I was going forth of the doors, I had much ado to 
forbear saying to them that I carried the peace of God along with 
me; but I held my peace, and, blessed be the Lord, went away to 
prison, with God's comfort in my poor soul.

After I had lain in the jail five or six days, the brethren sought 
means, again, to get me out by bondsmen; (for so ran my mittimus, 
that I should lie there till I could find sureties).  They went to 
a justice at Elstow, one Mr Crumpton, to desire him to take bond 
for my appearing at the quarter sessions.  At the first he told 
them he would; but afterwards he made a demur at the business, and 
desired first to see my mittimus, which ran to this purpose:  That 
I went about to several conventicles in the county, to the great 
disparagement of the government of the church of England, etc.  
When he had seen it, he said that there might be something more 
against me than was expressed in my mittimus; and that he was but a 
young man, therefore he durst not do it.  This my jailor told me; 
and, whereat I was not at all daunted but rather glad, and saw 
evidently that the Lord had heard me; for before I went down to the 
justice, I begged of God that if I might do more good by being at 
liberty than in prison, that then I might be set at liberty; but if 
not, His will be done; for I was not altogether without hopes but 
that my imprisonment might be an awakening to the saints in the 
country, therefore I could not tell well which to choose; only I, 
in that manner, did commit the thing to God.  And verily, at my 
return, I did meet my God sweetly in the prison again, comforting 
of me and satisfying of me that it was His will and mind that I 
should be there.

When I came back again to prison, as I was musing at the slender 
answer of the justice, this word dropt in upon my heart with some 
life, FOR HE KNEW THAT FOR ENVY THEY HAD DELIVERED HIM.

Thus have I, in short, declared the manner and occasion of my being 
in prison; where I lie waiting the good will of God, to do with me 
as He pleaseth; knowing that not one hair of my head can fall to 
the ground without the will of my Father, which is in heaven.  Let 
the rage and malice of men be never so great, they can do no more, 
nor go any further, than God permits them; but when they have done 
their worst, We know all things shall work together for good to 
them that love God.

Farewell.


HERE IS THE SUM OF MY EXAMINATION BEFORE JUSTICE KEELIN, JUSTICE 
CHESTER, JUSTICE BLUNDALE, JUSTICE BEECHER, JUSTICE SNAGG, ETC.


AFTER I had lain in prison above seven weeks, the quarter-sessions 
were to be kept in Bedford, for the county thereof, unto which I 
was to be brought; and when my jailor had set me before those 
justices, there was a bill of indictment preferred against me.  The 
extent thereof was as followeth:  That John Bunyan, of the town of 
Bedford, labourer, being a person of such and such conditions, he 
hath (since such a time) devilishly and perniciously abstained from 
coming to church to hear Divine service, and is a common upholder 
of several unlawful meetings and conventicles, to the great 
disturbance and distraction of the good subjects of this kingdom, 
contrary to the laws of our sovereign lord the King, etc.

THE CLERK.  When this was read, the clerk of the sessions said unto 
me, What say you to this?

BUN.  I said, that as to the first part of it, I was a common 
frequenter of the Church of God.  And was also, by grace, a member 
with the people, over whom Christ is the Head.

KEELIN.  But, saith Justice KEELIN (who was the judge in that 
court), do you come to church (you know what I mean); to the parish 
church, to hear Divine service?

BUN.  I answered, No, I did not.

KEEL.  He asked me, Why?

BUN.  I said, Because I did not find it commanded in the Word of 
God.

KEEL.  He said, We were commanded to pray.

BUN.  I said, But not by the Common Prayer-Book.

KEEL.  He said, How then?

BUN.  I said, With the Spirit.  As the apostle saith, I WILL PRAY 
WITH THE SPIRIT, AND WITH THE UNDERSTANDING.  1 Cor. xiv. 15.

KEEL.  He said, We might pray with the Spirit, and with the 
understanding, and with the Common Prayer-Book also.

BUN.  I said, that the prayers in the Common Prayer-Book were such 
as was made by other men, and not by the motions of the Holy Ghost, 
within our hearts; and as I said, the apostle saith, he will pray 
with the Spirit, and with the understanding; not with the Spirit 
and the Common Prayer-Book.

ANOTHER JUSTICE.  What do you count prayer?  Do you think it is to 
say a few words over before or among a people?

BUN.  I said, No, not so; for men might have many elegant, or 
excellent words, and yet not pray at all; but when a man prayeth, 
he doth, through a sense of those things which he wants (which 
sense is begotten by the Spirit), pour out his heart before God 
through Christ; though his words be not so many and so excellent as 
others are.

JUSTICES.  They said, That was true.

BUN.  I said, This might be done without the Common Prayer-Book.

ANOTHER.  One of them said (I think it was Justice BLUNDALE, or 
Justice SNAGG), How should we know that you do not write out your 
prayers first, and then read them afterwards to the people?  This 
he spake in a laughing way.

BUN.  I said, it is not our use, to take a pen and paper, and write 
a few words thereon, and then go and read it over to a company of 
people.

But how should we know it, said he?

BUN.  Sir, it is none of our custom, said I.

KEEL.  But said Justice KEELIN, It is lawful to use the Common 
Prayer, and such like forms:  for Christ taught His disciples to 
pray, as John also taught his disciples.  And further, said he, 
Cannot one man teach another to pray?  Faith comes by hearing; and 
one man may convince another of sin, and therefore prayers made by 
men, and read over, are good to teach, and help men to pray.

While he was speaking these words, God brought that word into my 
mind, in the eighth of the Romans, at the 26th verse.  I say, God 
brought it, for I thought not on it before:  but as he was 
speaking, it came so fresh into my mind, and was set so evidently 
before me, as if the scripture had said, Take me, take me; so when 
he had done speaking,

BUN.  I said, Sir, the scripture saith, that IT IS THE SPIRIT THAT 
HELPETH OUR INFIRMITIES; for we know not what we should pray for as 
we ought:  but the Spirit itself maketh intercession for us, with 
sighs and groanings which cannot be uttered.  Mark, said I, it doth 
not say the Common Prayer-Book teacheth us how to pray, but the 
Spirit.  And it is THE SPIRIT THAT HELPETH OUR INFIRMITIES, saith 
the apostle; he doth not say it is the Common Prayer-Book.

And as to the Lord's prayer, although it be an easy thing to say, 
OUR FATHER, etc., with the mouth; yet there is very few that can, 
in the Spirit, say the two first words in that prayer; that is, 
that can call God their Father, as knowing what it is to be born 
again, and as having experience, that they are begotten of the 
Spirit of God:  which if they do not, all is but babbling, etc.

KEEL.  Justice KEELIN said that that was a truth.

BUN.  And I say further, as to your saying that one man may 
convince another of sin, and that faith comes by hearing, and that 
one man may tell another how he should pray, etc., I say men may 
tell each other of their sins, but it is the Spirit that must 
convince them.

And though it be said that FAITH COMES BY HEARING:  yet it is the 
Spirit that worketh faith in the heart through hearing, or else 
THEY ARE NOT PROFITED BY HEARING.  Heb. iv. 12.

And that though one man may tell another how he should pray:  yet, 
as I said before, he cannot pray, nor make his condition known to 
God, except the Spirit help.  It is not the Common Prayer-Book that 
can do this.  It is the SPIRIT THAT SHOWETH US OUR SINS, and the 
SPIRIT THAT SHOWETH US A SAVIOUR, Jn. xvi. 16, and the Spirit that 
stirreth up in our hearts desires to come to God, for such things 
as we stand in need of, Matt. xi. 27, even sighing out our souls 
unto Him for them with GROANS WHICH CANNOT BE UTTERED.  With other 
words to the same purpose.  At this they were set.

KEEL.  But says Justice KEELIN, What have you against the Common 
Prayer-Book?

BUN.  I said, Sir, if you will hear me, I shall lay down my reasons 
against it.

KEEL.  He said I should have liberty; but first, said he, let me 
give you one caution; take heed of speaking irreverently of the 
Common Prayer-Book; for if you do so, you will bring great damage 
upon yourself.

BUN.  So I proceeded, and said, My first reason was, because it was 
not commanded in the Word of God, and therefore I could not use it.

ANOTHER.  One of them said, Where do you find it commanded in the 
Scripture, that you should go to ELSTOW, or BEDFORD, and yet it is 
lawful to go to either of them, is it not?

BUN.  I said, To go to ELSTOW, or BEDFORD, was a civil thing, and 
not material, though not commanded, and yet God's Word allowed me 
to go about my calling, and therefore if it lay there, then to go 
thither, etc.  But to pray, was a great part of the Divine worship 
of God, and therefore it ought to be done according to the rule of 
God's Word.

 ANOTHER.  One of them said, He will do harm; let him speak no 
further.

KEEL.  Justice KEELIN said, No, no, never fear him, we are better 
established than so; he can do no harm; we know the Common Prayer-
Book hath been ever since the apostles' time, and it is lawful for 
it to be used in the church.

BUN.  I said, Show me the place in the epistles, where the Common 
Prayer-Book is written, or one text of Scripture, that commands me 
to read it, and I will use it.  But yet, notwithstanding, said I, 
they that have a mind to use it, they have their liberty; that is, 
I would not keep them from it; but for our parts, we can pray to 
God without it.  Blessed be His name!

With that, one of them said, Who is your God?  Beelzebub?  
Moreover, they often said, that I was possessed with the spirit of 
delusion, and of the devil.  All which sayings I passed over; the 
Lord forgive them!  And further, I said, Blessed be the Lord for 
it; we are encouraged to meet together, and to pray, and exhort one 
another; for, we have had the comfortable presence of God among us.  
For ever blessed be His holy name!

KEEL.  Justice KEELIN called this pedler's French, saying, that I 
must leave off my canting.  The Lord open his eyes!

BUN.  I said that we ought to exhort one another daily, while it is 
called to-day, etc.

KEEL.  Justice KEELIN said that I ought not to preach; and asked me 
where I had my authority? with other such like words.

BUN.  I said that I would prove that it was lawful for me, and such 
as I am, to preach the Word of God.

KEEL.  He said unto me, By what Scripture?

BUN.  I said, By that in the first epistle of Peter, chap. iv. 10, 
11, and Acts xviii., with other Scriptures, which he would not 
suffer me to mention.  But said, Hold; not so many, which is the 
first?

BUN.  I said this:  AS EVERY MAN HATH RECEIVED THE GIFT, EVEN SO 
LET HIM MINISTER THE SAME UNTO ANOTHER, AS GOOD STEWARDS OF THE 
MANIFOLD GRACE OF GOD.  IF ANY MAN SPEAK, LET HIM SPEAK AS THE 
ORACLES OF GOD, ETC.

KEEL.  He said, Let me a little open that Scripture to you:  AS 
EVERY MAN HATH RECEIVED THE GIFT; that is, said he, as every one 
hath received a trade, so let him follow it.  If any man have 
received a gift of tinkering, as thou hast done, let him follow his 
tinkering.  And so other men their trades.  And the divine his 
calling, etc.

BUN.  Nay, sir, said I, but it is most clear, that the apostle 
speaks here of preaching the Word; if you do but compare both the 
verses together, the next verse explains this gift what it is, 
saying, IF ANY MAN SPEAK, LET HIM SPEAK AS THE ORACLES OF GOD.  So 
that it is plain, that the Holy Ghost doth not so much in this 
place exhort to civil callings, as to the exercising of those gifts 
that we have received from God.  I would have gone on, but he would 
not give me leave.

KEEL.  He said, We might do it in our families, but not otherways.

BUN.  I said, If it was lawful to do good to some, it was lawful to 
do good to more.  If it was a good duty to exhort our families, it 
was good to exhort others; but if they held it a sin to meet 
together to seek the face of God, and exhort one another to follow 
Christ, I should sin still; for so we should do.

KEEL.  He said he was not so well versed in Scripture as to 
dispute, or words to that purpose.  And said, moreover, that they 
could not wait upon me any longer; but said to me, Then you confess 
the indictment, do you not?  Now, and not till now, I saw I was 
indicted.

BUN.  I said, This I confess, we have had many meetings together, 
both to pray to God, and to exhort one another, and that we had the 
sweet comforting presence of the Lord among us for our 
encouragement; blessed be His name therefore.  I confessed myself 
guilty no otherwise.

KEEL.  Then, said he, bear your judgment.  You must be had back 
again to prison, and there lie for three months following; and at 
three months' end, if you do not submit to go to church to hear 
Divine service, and leave your preaching, you must be banished the 
realm:  and if, after such a day as shall be appointed you to be 
gone, you shall be found in this realm, etc., or be found to come 
over again without special licence from the king, etc., you must 
stretch by the neck for it, I tell you plainly:  and so he bid my 
jailor have me away.

BUN.  I told him, as to this matter, I was at a point with him; for 
if I were out of prison to-day, I would preach the Gospel again to-
morrow, by the help of God.

ANOTHER.  To which one made me some answer:  but my jailor pulling 
me away to be gone, I could not tell what he said.

Thus I departed from them; and I can truly say, I bless the Lord 
JESUS CHRIST for it, that my heart was sweetly refreshed in the 
time of my examination, and also afterwards, at my returning to the 
prison.  So that I found Christ's words more than bare trifles, 
where He saith, I WILL GIVE YOU A MOUTH AND WISDOM, WHICH ALL YOUR 
ADVERSARIES SHALL NOT BE ABLE TO GAINSAY, NOR RESIST.  Luke xxi. 
15.  And that His peace no man can take from us.

Thus have I given you the substance of my examination.  The Lord 
make this profitable to all that shall read or hear it.  Farewell.


THE SUBSTANCE OF SOME DISCOURSE HAD BETWEEN THE CLERK OF THE PEACE 
AND MYSELF; WHEN HE CAME TO ADMONISH ME, ACCORDING TO THE TENOR OF 
THAT LAW, BY WHICH I WAS IN PRISON.


WHEN I had lain in prison other twelve weeks, and now not knowing 
what they intended to do with me, upon the third of April 1661, 
comes Mr Cobb unto me (as he told me), being sent by the justices 
to admonish me; and demand of me submittance to the church of 
England, etc.  The extent of our discourse was as followeth.

COBB.  When he was come into the house he sent for me out of my 
chamber; who, when I was come unto him, he said, Neighbour BUNYAN, 
how do you do?

BUN.  I thank you, Sir, said I, very well, blessed be the Lord.

COBB.  Saith he, I come to tell you, that it is desired you would 
submit yourself to the laws of the land, or else at the next 
sessions it will go worse with you, even to be sent away out of the 
nation, or else worse than that.

BUN.  I said that I did desire to demean myself in the world, both 
as becometh a man and a Christian.

COBB.  But, saith he, you must submit to the laws of the land, and 
leave off those meetings which you was wont to have; for the 
statute-law is directly against it; and I am sent to you by the 
justices to tell you that they do intend to prosecute the law 
against you if you submit not.

BUN.  I said, Sir, I conceive that that law by which I am in prison 
at this time, doth not reach or condemn either me, or the meetings 
which I do frequent; that law was made against those, that being 
designed to do evil in their meetings, making the exercise of 
religion their pretence, to cover their wickedness.  It doth not 
forbid the private meetings of those that plainly and simply make 
it their only end to worship the Lord, and to exhort one another to 
edification.  My end in meeting with others is simply to do as much 
good as I can, by exhortation and counsel, according to that small 
measure of light which God hath given me, and not to disturb the 
peace of the nation.

COBB.  Every one will say the same, said he; you see the late 
insurrection at LONDON, under what glorious pretences they went; 
and yet, indeed, they intended no less than the ruin of the kingdom 
and commonwealth.

BUN.  That practice of theirs, I abhor, said I; yet it doth not 
follow that, because they did so, therefore all others will do so.  
I look upon it as my duty to behave myself under the King's 
government, both as becomes a man and a Christian, and if an 
occasion were offered me, I should willingly manifest my loyalty to 
my Prince, both by word and deed.

COBB.  Well, said he, I do not profess myself to be a man that can 
dispute; but this I say, truly, neighbour BUNYAN, I would have you 
consider this matter seriously, and submit yourself; you may have 
your liberty to exhort your neighbour in private discourse, so be 
you do not call together an assembly of people; and, truly, you may 
do much good to the church of Christ, if you would go this way; and 
this you may do, and the law not abridge you of it.  It is your 
private meetings that the law is against.

BUN.  Sir, said I, if I may do good to one by my discourse? why may 
I not do good to two?  And if to two, why not to four, and so to 
eight? etc.

COBB.  Ay, saith he, and to a hundred, I warrant you.

BUN.  Yes, Sir, said I, I think I should not be forbid to do as 
much good as I can.

COBB.  But, saith he, you may but pretend to do good, and instead, 
notwithstanding, do harm, by seducing the people; you are, 
therefore, denied your meeting so many together, lest you should do 
harm.

BUN.  And yet, said I, you say the law tolerates me to discourse 
with my neighbour; surely there is no law tolerates me seduce any 
one; therefore if I may by the law discourse with one, surely it is 
to do him good; and if I by discoursing may do good to one, surely, 
by the same law, I may do good to many.

COBB.  The law, saith he, doth expressly forbid your private 
meetings; therefore they are not to be tolerated.

BUN.  I told him that I would not entertain so much 
uncharitableness of that Parliament in the 35th of ELIZABETH, or of 
the Queen herself, as to think they did, by that law, intend the 
oppressing of any of God's ordinances, or the interrupting any in 
way of God; but men may, in the wresting of it, turn it against the 
way of God; but take the law in itself, and it only fighteth 
against those that drive at mischief in their hearts and meeting, 
making religion only their cloak, colour, or pretence; for so are 
the words of the statute:  IF ANY MEETINGS, UNDER COLOUR OR 
PRETENCE OF RELIGION, ETC.

COBB.  Very good; therefore the king, seeing that pretences are 
usually in and among people, so as to make religion their pretence 
only; therefore he, and the law before him, doth forbid such 
private meetings, and tolerates only public; you may meet in 
public.

BUN.  Sir, said I, let me answer you in a similitude:  Set the case 
that, at such a wood corner, there did usually come forth thieves, 
to do mischief; must there therefore a law be made, that every one 
that cometh out there shall be killed?  May not there come out true 
men as well as thieves out from thence?  Just thus is it in this 
case; I do think there may be many that may design the destruction 
of the commonwealth; but it doth not follow therefore that all 
private meetings are unlawful; those that transgress, let them be 
punished.  And if at any time I myself should do any act in my 
conversation as doth not become a man and Christian, let me bear 
the punishment.  And as for your saying I may meet in public, if I 
may be suffered, I would gladly do it.  Let me have but meeting 
enough in public, and I shall care the less to have them in 
private.  I do not meet in private because I am afraid to have 
meetings in public.  I bless the Lord that my heart is at that 
point, that if any man can lay any thing to my charge, either in 
doctrine or in practice, in this particular, that can be proved 
error or heresy, I am willing to disown it, even in the very 
market-place; but if it be truth, then to stand to it to the last 
drop of my blood.  And, Sir, said I, you ought to commend me for so 
doing.  To err and to be a heretic are two things; I am no heretic, 
because I will not stand refractorily to defend any one thing that 
is contrary to the Word.  Prove any thing which I hold to be an 
error, and I will recant it.

COBB.  But, goodman BUNYAN, said he, methinks you need not stand so 
strictly upon this one thing, as to have meetings of such public 
assemblies.  Cannot you submit, and, notwithstanding, do as much 
good as you can, in a neighbourly way, without having such 
meetings?

BUN.  Truly, Sir, said I, I do not desire to commend myself, but to 
think meanly of myself; yet when I do most despise myself, taking 
notice of that small measure of light which God hath given me, also 
that the people of the Lord (by their own saying), are edified 
thereby.  Besides, when I see that the Lord, through grace, hath in 
some measure blessed my labour, I dare not but exercise that gift 
which God hath given me for the good of the people.  And I said 
further, that I would willingly speak in public if I might.

COBB.  He said, that I might come to the public assemblies and 
hear.  What though you do not preach? you may hear.  Do not think 
yourself so well enlightened, and that you have received a gift so 
far above others, but that you may hear other men preach.  Or to 
that purpose.

BUN.  I told him, I was as willing to be taught as to give 
instruction, and I looked upon it as my duty to do both; for, said 
I, a man that is a teacher, he himself may learn also from another 
that teacheth, as the apostle saith, WE MAY ALL PROPHESY ONE BY 
ONE, THAT ALL MAY LEARN.  1 Cor. xiv. 31.  That is, every man that 
hath received a gift from God, he may dispense it, that others may 
be comforted; and when he hath done, he may hear and learn, and be 
comforted himself of others.

COBB.  But, said he, what if you should forbear awhile, and sit 
still, till you see further how things will go?

BUN.  Sir, said I, WICKLIFFE saith, that he which leaveth off 
preaching and hearing of the Word of God for fear of 
excommunication of men, he is already excommunicated of God, and 
shall in the day of judgment be counted a traitor to Christ.

COBB.  Ay, saith he, they that do not hear shall be so counted 
indeed; do you, therefore, hear?

BUN.  But, Sir, said I, he saith, he that shall leave off either 
preaching or hearing, etc.  That is, if he hath received a gift for 
edification, it is his sin, if he doth not lay it out in a way of 
exhortation and counsel, according to the proportion of his gift; 
as well as to spend his time altogether in hearing others preach.

COBB.  But, said he, how shall we know that you have received a 
gift?

BUN.  Said I, Let any man hear and search, and prove the doctrine 
by the Bible.

COBB.  But will you be willing, said he, that two indifferent 
persons shall determine the case; and will you stand by their 
judgment?

BUN.  I said, Are they infallible?

COBB.  He said, No.

BUN.  Then, said I, it is possible my judgment may be as good as 
theirs.  But yet I will pass by either, and in this matter be 
judged by the Scriptures; I am sure that is infallible, and cannot 
err.

COBB.  But, said he, who shall be judge between you, for you take 
the Scriptures one way, and they another?

BUN.  I said the Scripture should:  and that by comparing one 
Scripture with another; for that will open itself, if it be rightly 
compared.  As for instance, if under the different apprehensions of 
the word MEDIATOR, you would know the truth of it, the Scriptures 
open it, and tell us that he that is a mediator must take up the 
business between two, and a mediator is not a mediator of one, - 
BUT GOD IS ONE, AND THERE IS ONE MEDIATOR BETWEEN GOD AND MEN, EVEN 
THE MAN CHRIST JESUS.  Gal. iii. 20; 1 Tim. ii. 5.  So likewise the 
Scripture calleth Christ a COMPLETE, or perfect, or able HIGH 
PRIEST.  That is opened in that He is called man, and also God.  
His blood also is discovered to be effectually efficacious by the 
same things.  So the Scripture, as touching the matter of meeting 
together, etc., doth likewise sufficiently open itself and discover 
its meaning.

COBB.  But are you willing, said he, to stand to the judgment of 
the church?

BUN.  Yes, Sir, said I, to the approbation of the church of God; 
(the church's judgment is best expressed in Scripture).  We had 
much other discourse which I cannot well remember, about the laws 
of the nation, and submission to governments; to which I did tell 
him, that I did look upon myself as bound in conscience to walk 
according to all righteous laws, and that, whether there was a king 
or no; and if I did any thing that was contrary, I did hold it my 
duty to bear patiently the penalty of the law, that was provided 
against such offenders; with many more words to the like effect.  
And said, moreover, that to cut off all occasions of suspicion from 
any, as touching the harmlessness of my doctrine in private, I 
would willingly take the pains to give any one the notes of all my 
sermons; for I do sincerely desire to live quietly in my country, 
and to submit to the present authority.

COBB.  Well, neighbour BUNYAN, said he, but indeed I would wish you 
seriously to consider of these things, between this and the 
quarter-sessions, and to submit yourself.  You may do much good if 
you continue still in the land; but alas, what benefit will it be 
to your friends, or what good can you do to them, if you should be 
sent away beyond the seas into SPAIN, or CONSTANTINOPLE, or some 
other remote part of the world?  Pray be ruled.

JAILOR.  Indeed, Sir, I hope he will be ruled.

BUN.  I shall desire, said I, in all honesty to behave myself in 
the nation, whilst I am in it.  And if I must be so dealt withal, 
as you say, I hope God will help me to bear what they shall lay 
upon me.  I know no evil that I have done in this matter, to be so 
used.  I speak as in the presence of God.

COBB.  You know, saith he, that the Scripture saith, THE POWERS 
THAT BE, ARE ORDAINED OF GOD.

BUN.  I said, Yes, and that I was to submit to the King as supreme, 
and also to the governors, as to them who are sent by Him.

COBB.  Well then, said he, the King then commands you, that you 
should not have any private meetings; because it is against his 
law, and he is ordained of God, therefore you should not have any.

BUN.  I told him that PAUL did own the powers that were in his day, 
to be of God; and yet he was often in prison under them for all 
that.  And also, though JESUS CHRIST told PILATE, that He had no 
power against him, but of God, yet He died under the same PILATE; 
and yet, said I, I hope you will not say that either PAUL, or 
Christ, were such as did deny magistracy, and so sinned against God 
in slighting the ordinance.  Sir, said I, the law hath provided two 
ways of obeying:  the one to do that which I, in my conscience, do 
believe that I am bound to do, actively; and where I cannot obey 
actively, there I am willing to lie down, and to suffer what they 
shall do unto me.  At this he sat still, and said no more; which 
when he had done, I did thank him for his civil and meek 
discoursing with me; and so we parted.

O! that we might meet in heaven!

Farewell.  J. B.


HERE FOLLOWETH A DISCOURSE BETWEEN MY WIFE AND THE JUDGES, WITH 
OTHERS, TOUCHING MY DELIVERANCE AT THE ASSIZES FOLLOWING; THE WHICH 
I TOOK FROM HER OWN MOUTH.


AFTER that I had received this sentence of banishing, or hanging, 
from them, and after the former admonition, touching the 
determination of the  justices if I did not recant; just when the 
time drew nigh, in which I should have abjured, or have done worse 
(as Mr Cobb told me), came the time in which the King was to be 
crowned.  Now, at the coronation of kings, there is usually a 
releasement of divers prisoners, by virtue of his coronation; in 
which privilege also I should have had my share; but that they took 
me for a convicted person, and therefore, unless I sued out a 
pardon (as they called it), I could have no benefit thereby, 
notwithstanding, yet, forasmuch as the coronation proclamation did 
give liberty, from the day the King was crowned, to that day 
twelvemonth, to sue them out; therefore, though they would not let 
me out of prison, as they let out thousands, yet they could not 
meddle with me, as touching the execution of their sentence; 
because of the liberty offered for the suing out of pardons.  
Whereupon I continued in prison till the next assizes, which are 
called MIDSUMMER ASSIZES, being then kept in AUGUST, 1661.

Now, at that assizes, because I would not leave any possible means 
unattempted that might be lawful, I did, by my wife, present a 
petition to the judges three times, that I might be heard, and that 
they would impartially take my case into consideration.

The first time my wife went, she presented it to Judge HALE, who 
very mildly received it at her hand, telling her that he would do 
her and me the best good he could; but he feared, he said, he could 
do none.  The next day, again, lest they should, through the 
multitude of business, forget me, we did throw another petition 
into the coach to Judge TWISDON; who, when he had seen it, snapt 
her up, and angrily told her that I was a convicted person, and 
could not be released, unless I would promise to preach no more, 
etc.

Well, after this, she yet again presented another to judge Hale, as 
he sat on the bench, who, as it seemed, was willing to give her 
audience.  Only Justice CHESTER being present, stept up and said, 
that I was convicted in the court, and that I was a hot-spirited 
fellow (or words to that purpose), whereat he waived it, and did 
not meddle therewith.  But yet, my wife being encouraged by the 
high-sheriff, did venture once more into their presence (as the 
poor widow did before the unjust judge) to try what she could do 
with them for my liberty, before they went forth of the town.  The 
place where she went to them, was to the SWAN-CHAMBER, where the 
two judges, and many justices and gentry of the country, was in 
company together.  She then coming into the chamber with a bashed 
face, and a trembling heart, began her errand to them in this 
manner:-

WOMAN.  My lord (directing herself to judge Hale), I make bold to 
come once again to your Lordship, to know what may be done with my 
husband.

JUDGE HALE.  To whom he said, Woman, I told thee before I could do 
thee no good; because they have taken that for a conviction which 
thy husband spoke at the sessions:  and unless there be something 
done to undo that, I can do thee no good.

WOMAN.  My lord, said she, he is kept unlawfully in prison; they 
clapped him up before there was any proclamation against the 
meetings; the indictment also is false.  Besides, they never asked 
him whether he was guilty or no; neither did he confess the 
indictment.

ONE OF THE JUSTICES.  Then one of the justices that stood by, whom 
she knew not, said, My Lord, he was lawfully convicted.

WOM.  It is false, said she; for when they said to him, Do you 
confess the indictment? he said only this, that he had been at 
several meetings, both where there were preaching the Word, and 
prayer, and that they had God's presence among them.

JUDGE TWISDON.  Whereat Judge TWISDON answered very angrily, 
saying, What, you think we can do what we list; your husband is a 
breaker of the peace, and is convicted by the law, etc.  Whereupon 
Judge HALE called for the Statute Book.

WOM.  But, said she, my lord, he was not lawfully convicted.

CHESTER.  Then Justice CHESTER said, My lord, he was lawfully 
convicted.

WOM.  It is false, said she; it was but a word of discourse that 
they took for a conviction (as you heard before).

CHEST.  But it is recorded, woman; it is recorded, said Justice 
CHESTER; as if it must be of necessity true, because it was 
recorded.  With which words he often endeavoured to stop her mouth, 
having no other argument to convince her, but it is recorded, it is 
recorded.

WOM.  My Lord, said she, I was a while since at LONDON, to see if I 
could get my husband's liberty; and there I spoke with my lord 
BARKWOOD, one of the House of Lords, to whom I delivered a 
petition, who took it of me and presented it to some of the rest of 
the House of Lords, for my husband's releasement; who, when they 
had seen it, they said, that they could not release him, but had 
committed his releasement to the judges, at the next assizes.  This 
he told me; and now I am come to you to see if any thing may be 
done in this business, and you give neither releasement nor relief.  
To which they gave her no answer, but made as if they heard her 
not.

CHEST.  Only Justice CHESTER was often up with this, - He is 
convicted, and it is recorded.

WOM.  If it be, it is false, said she.

CHEST.  My lord, said Justice CHESTER, he is a pestilent fellow, 
there is not such a fellow in the country again.

TWIS.  What, will your husband leave preaching?  If he will do so, 
then send for him.

WOM.  My lord, said she, he dares not leave preaching as long as he 
can speak.

TWIS.  See here, what should we talk any more about such a fellow?  
Must he do what he lists?  He is a breaker of the peace.

WOM.  She told him again, that he desired to live peaceably, and to 
follow his calling, that his family might be maintained; and 
moreover, said, My Lord, I have four small children, that cannot 
help themselves, one of which is blind, and have nothing to live 
upon, but the charity of good people.

HALE.  Hast thou four children? said Judge Hale; thou art but a 
young woman to have four children.

WOM.  My lord, said she, I am but mother-in-law to them, having not 
been married to him yet full two years.  Indeed, I was with child 
when my husband was first apprehended; but being young, and 
unaccustomed to such things, said she, I being smayed at the news, 
fell into labour, and so continued for eight days, and then was 
delivered, but my child died.

HALE.  Whereat, he looking very soberly on the matter, said, Alas, 
poor woman!

TWIS.  But Judge TWISDON told her, that she made poverty her cloak; 
and said, moreover, that he understood I was maintained better by 
running up and down a preaching, than by following my calling.

HALE.  What is his calling? said Judge Hale.

ANSWER.  Then some of the company that stood by, said, A tinker, my 
lord.

WOM.  Yes, said she; and because he is a tinker, and a poor man, 
therefore he is despised, and cannot have justice.

HALE.  Then Judge HALE answered very mildly, saying, I tell thee, 
woman, seeing it is so, that they have taken what thy husband spake 
for a conviction; thou must either apply thyself to the King, or 
sue out his pardon, or get a writ of error.

CHEST.  But when Justice CHESTER heard him give her this counsel; 
and especially (as she supposed) because he spoke of a writ of 
error, he chafed, and seemed to be very much offended; saying, My 
lord, he will preach and do what he lists.

WOM.  He preacheth nothing but the Word of God, said she.

TWIS.  He preach the Word of God! said Twisdon; and withal, she 
thought he would have struck her; he runneth up and down, and doth 
harm.

WOM.  No, my lord, said she, it is not so; God hath owned him, and 
done much good by him.

TWIS.  God! said he, his doctrine is the doctrine of the devil.

WOM.  My lord, said she, when the righteous Judge shall appear, it 
will be known that his doctrine is not the doctrine of the devil.

TWIS.  My lord, said he, to Judge Hale, do not mind her, but send 
her away.

HALE.  Then said Judge Hale, I am sorry, woman, that I can do thee 
no good; thou must do one of those three things aforesaid, namely, 
either to apply thyself to the King, or sue out his pardon, or get 
a writ of error; but a writ of error will be cheapest.

WOM.  At which Chester again seemed to be in a chafe, and put off 
his hat, and as she thought, scratched his head for anger:  but 
when I saw, said she, that there was no prevailing to have my 
husband sent for, though I often desired them that they would send 
for him, that he might speak for himself; telling them, that he 
could give them better satisfaction than I could, in what they 
demanded of him, with several other things, which now I forget; 
only this I remember, that though I was somewhat timorous at my 
first entrance into the chamber, yet before I went out, I could not 
but break forth into tears, not so much because they were so hard-
hearted against me, and my husband, but to think what a sad account 
such poor creatures will have to give at the coming of the Lord, 
when they shall there answer for all things whatsoever they have 
done in the body, whether it be good, or whether it be bad.

So, when I departed from them, the book of statutes was brought, 
but what they said of it I know nothing at all, neither did I hear 
any more from them.


SOME CARRIAGES OF THE ADVERSARIES OF GOD'S TRUTH WITH ME AT THE 
NEXT ASSIZES, WHICH WAS ON THE 19TH OF THE FIRST MONTH, 1662.


I SHALL pass by what befell between these two assizes, how I had, 
by my jailor, some liberty granted me, more than at the first, and 
how I followed my wonted course of preaching, taking all occasions 
that were put into my hand to visit the people of God; exhorting 
them to be steadfast in the faith of Jesus Christ, and to take heed 
that they touched not the Common Prayer, etc., but to mind the Word 
of God, which giveth direction to Christians in every point, being 
able to make the man of God perfect in all things through faith in 
Jesus Christ, and thoroughly to furnish him unto all good works.  2 
Tim. iii. 17.  Also how I having, I say, somewhat more liberty, did 
go to see the Christians at LONDON; which my enemies hearing of, 
were so angry, that they had almost cast my jailor out of his 
place, threatening to indict him, and to do what they could against 
him.  They charged me also, that I went thither to plot and raise 
division, and make insurrection, which, God knows, was a slander; 
whereupon my liberty was more straitened than it was before; so 
that I must not now look out of the door.  Well, when the next 
sessions came, which was about the 10th of the 11th month (1661), I 
did expect to have been very roundly dealt withal; but they passed 
me by, and would not call me, so that I rested till the assizes, 
which was held the 19th of the first month (1662) following; and 
when they came, because I had a desire to come before the judge, I 
desired my jailor to put my name into the calendar among the 
felons, and made friends of the judge and high-sheriff, who 
promised that I should be called:  so that I thought what I had 
done might have been effectual for the obtaining of my desire:  but 
all was in vain; for when the assizes came, though my name was in 
the calendar, and also though both the judge and sheriff had 
promised that I should appear before them, yet the justices and the 
clerk of the peace, did so work it about, that I, notwithstanding, 
was deferred, and was not suffered to appear:  and although I say, 
I do not know of all their carriages towards me, yet this I know, 
that the clerk of the peace (Mr Cobb) did discover himself to be 
one of my greatest opposers:  for, first he came to my jailor and 
told him that I must not go down before the judge, and therefore 
must not be put into the calendar; to whom my jailor said, that my 
name was in already.  He bid him put it out again; my jailor told 
him that he could not:  for he had given the judge a calendar with 
my name in it, and also the sheriff another.  At which he was very 
much displeased, and desired to see that calendar that was yet in 
my jailor's hand, who, when he had given it him, he looked on it, 
and said it was a false calendar; he also took the calendar and 
blotted out my accusation, as my jailor had written it (which 
accusation I cannot tell what it was, because it was so blotted 
out), and he himself put in words to this purpose:  That John 
Bunyan was committed to prison; being lawfully convicted for 
upholding of unlawful meetings and conventicles, etc.  But yet for 
all this, fearing that what he had done, unless he added thereto, 
it would not do, he first ran to the clerk of the assizes; then to 
the justices, and afterwards, because he would not leave any means 
unattempted to hinder me, he came again to my jailor, and told him, 
that if I did go down before the judge, and was released, he would 
make him pay my fees, which he said was due to him; and further, 
told him, that he would complain of him at the next quarter 
sessions for making of false calendars, though my jailor himself, 
as I afterwards learned, had put in my accusation worse than in 
itself it was by far.  And thus was I hindered and prevented at 
that time also from appearing before the judge:  and left in 
prison.

Farewell.

JOHN BUNYAN.


A CONTINUATION OF Mr BUNYAN'S LIFE; BEGINNING WHERE HE LEFT OFF, 
AND CONCLUDING WITH THE TIME AND MANNER OF HIS DEATH AND BURIAL:  
TOGETHER WITH HIS TRUE CHARACTER, ETC.


READER, the painful and industrious author of this book, has 
already given you a faithful and very moving relation of the 
beginning and middle of the days of his pilgrimage on earth; and 
since there yet remains somewhat worthy of notice and regard, which 
occurred in the last scene of his life, the which, for want of 
time, or fear, some over-censorious people should impute it to him 
as an earnest coveting of praise from men, he has not left behind 
him in writing.  Wherefore, as a true friend, and long acquaintance 
of Mr BUNYAN'S that his good end may be known, as well as his evil 
beginning, I have taken upon me, from my knowledge, and the best 
account given by other of his friends, to piece this to the thread 
too soon broke off, and so lengthen it out to his entering upon 
eternity.

He has told you at large, of his birth and education; the evil 
habits and corruptions of his youth; the temptations he struggled 
and conflicted so frequently with, the mercies, comforts, and 
deliverances he found, how he came to take upon him the preaching 
of the Gospel; the slanders, reproaches and imprisonments that 
attended him, and the progress he notwithstanding made (by the 
assistance of God's grace) no doubt to the saving of many souls:  
therefore take these things, as he himself hath methodically laid 
them down in the words of verity; and so I pass on to what remains.

After his being freed from his twelve years' imprisonment and 
upwards, for nonconformity, wherein he had time to furnish the 
world with sundry good books, etc., and by his patience, to move DR 
BARLOW, the then Bishop of LINCOLN, and other church-men, to pity 
his hard and unreasonable sufferings, so far as to stand very much 
his friends, in procuring his enlargement, or there perhaps he had 
died, by the noisomeness and ill usage of the place.  Being now, I 
say, again at liberty, and having through mercy shaken off his 
bodily fetters, - for those upon his soul were broken before by the 
abounding grace that filled his heart, - he went to visit those 
that had been a comfort to him in his tribulation, with a 
Christian-like acknowledgment of their kindness and enlargement of 
charity; giving encouragement by his example, if it happened to be 
their hard haps to fall into affliction or trouble, then to suffer 
patiently for the sake of a good conscience, and for the love of 
God in Jesus Christ towards their souls, and by many cordial 
persuasions, supported some whose spirits began to sink low, 
through the fear of danger that threatened their worldly 
concernment, so that the people found a wonderful consolation in 
his discourse and admonitions.

As often as opportunity would admit, he gathered them together 
(though the law was then in force against meetings) in convenient 
places, and fed them with the sincere milk of the Word, that they 
might grow up in grace thereby.  To such as were anywhere taken and 
imprisoned upon these accounts, he made it another part of his 
business to extend his charity, and gather relief for such of them 
as wanted.

He took great care to visit the sick, and strengthen them against 
the suggestions of the tempter, which at such times are very 
prevalent; so that they had cause for ever to bless God, Who had 
put it into his heart, at such a time, to rescue them from the 
power of the roaring lion, who sought to devour them; nor did he 
spare any pains or labour in travel, though to remote counties, 
where he knew or imagined any people might stand in need of his 
assistance; insomuch that some, by these visitations that he made, 
which was two or three every year (some, though in a jeering manner 
no doubt, gave him the epithet of Bishop BUNYAN) whilst others 
envied him for his so earnestly labouring in Christ's vineyard; yet 
the seed of the Word he (all this while) sowed in the hearts of his 
congregation, watered with the grace of God, brought forth in 
abundance, in bringing in disciples to the church of Christ.

Another part of his time is spent in reconciling differences, by 
which he hindered many mischiefs, and saved some families from 
ruin, and in such fallings-out he was uneasy, till he found a means 
to labour a reconciliation, and become a peace-maker, on whom a 
blessing is promised in holy writ; and indeed in doing this good 
office, he may be said to sum up his days, it being the last 
undertaking of his life, as will appear in the close of this paper.

When in the late reign, liberty of conscience was unexpectedly 
given and indulged to dissenters of all persuasions, his piercing 
wit penetrated the veil, and found that it was not for the 
dissenters' sakes they were so suddenly freed from the hard 
prosecutions that had long lain heavy upon them, and set in a 
manner, on an equal foot with the Church of ENGLAND, which the 
papists were undermining, and about to subvert:  he foresaw all the 
advantages that could have redounded to the dissenters would have 
been no more than what POLYPHEMUS, the monstrous giant of SICILY, 
would have allowed ULYSSES, VIZ.:  That he would eat his men first, 
and do him the favour of being eaten last:  for although Mr BUNYAN, 
following the examples of others, did lay hold of this liberty, as 
an acceptable thing in itself, knowing God is the only Lord of 
conscience, and that it is good at all times to do according to the 
dictates of a good conscience, and that the preaching the glad 
tidings of the Gospel is beautiful in the preacher; yet in all this 
he moved with caution and a holy fear, earnestly praying for the 
averting impending judgments, which he saw, like a black tempest, 
hanging over our heads for our sins, and ready to break in upon us, 
and that the NINEVITES' remedy was now highly necessary:  hereupon 
he gathered his congregation at BEDFORD, where he mostly lived, and 
had lived and spent the greatest part of his life; and there being 
no convenient place to be had for the entertainment of so great a 
confluence of people as followed him upon the account of his 
teaching, he consulted with them for the building of a meeting-
house, to which they made their voluntary contributions with all 
cheerfulness and alacrity; and the first time he appeared there to 
edify, the place was so thronged, that many was constrained to stay 
without, though the house was very spacious, every one striving to 
partake of his instructions, that were of his persuasion, and show 
their good-will towards him, by being present at the opening of the 
place; and here he lived in much peace and quiet of mind, 
contenting himself with that little God had bestowed upon him, and 
sequestering himself from all secular employments, to follow that 
of his call to the ministry; for as God said to MOSES, He that made 
the lips and heart, can give eloquence and wisdom, without 
extraordinary acquirements in an university.

During these things, there were regulators sent into all cities and 
towns corporate, to new model the government in the magistracy, 
etc., by turning out some, and putting in others:  against this Mr 
BUNYAN expressed his zeal with some weariness, as foreseeing the 
bad consequence that would attend it, and laboured with his 
congregation to prevent their being imposed on in this kind; and 
when a great man in those days, coming to BEDFORD upon some such 
errand, sent for him, as 'tis supposed, to give him a place of 
public trust, he would by no means come at him, but sent his 
excuse.

When he was at leisure from writing and teaching, he often came up 
to LONDON, and there went among the congregations of the non-
conformists, and used his talent to the great good-liking of the 
hearers; and even some to whom he had been mis-represented, upon 
the account of his education, were convinced of his worth and 
knowledge in sacred things, as perceiving him to be a man of round 
judgment, delivering himself plainly and powerfully; insomuch that 
many, who came mere spectators for novelty sake rather than to 
edify and be improved, went away well satisfied with what they 
heard, and wondered, as the Jews did at the Apostles, VIZ.:  Whence 
this man should have these things; perhaps not considering that God 
more immediately assists those that make it their business 
industriously and cheerfully to labour in His vineyard.

Thus he spent his latter years in imitation of his great Lord and 
Master, the ever-blessed Jesus; he went about doing good, so that 
the most prying critic, or even Malice herself, is defied to find, 
even upon the narrowest search or observation, any sully or stain 
upon his reputation, with which he may be justly charged; and this 
we note, as a challenge to those that have the least regard for 
him, or them of his persuasion, and have one way or other appeared 
in the front of those that oppressed him; and for the turning whose 
hearts, in obedience to the commission and commandment given him of 
God, he frequently prayed, and sometimes sought a blessing for 
them, even with tears, the effects of which, they may, 
peradventure, though undeservedly, have found in their persons, 
friends, relations, or estates; for God will hear the prayer of the 
faithful, and answer them, even for them that vex them, as it 
happened in the case of JOB'S praying for the three persons that 
had been grievous in their reproach against him, even in the day of 
his sorrow.

But yet let me come a little nearer to particulars and periods of 
time, for the better refreshing the memories of those that knew his 
labour and suffering, and for the satisfaction of all that shall 
read this book.

After he was sensibly convicted of the wicked state of his life, 
and converted, he was baptized into the congregation, and admitted 
a member thereof, VIZ., in the year 1655, and became speedily a 
very zealous professor; but upon the return of King CHARLES to the 
crown in 1660, he was the 12th of NOVEMBER taken, as he was 
edifying some good people that were got together to hear the word, 
and confined in BEDFORD jail for the space of six years, till the 
act of Indulgence to dissenters being allowed, he obtained his 
freedom, by the intercession of some in trust and power, that took 
pity on his sufferings; but within six years afterwards he was 
again taken up, VIZ., in the year 1666, and was then confined for 
six years more, when even the jailor took such pity of his rigorous 
sufferings, that he did as the Egyptian jailor did to JOSEPH, put 
all the care and trust in his hand:  When he was taken this last 
time, he was preaching on these words, viz.:  DOST THOU BELIEVE THE 
SON OF GOD?  And this imprisonment continued six years, and when 
this was over, another short affliction, which was an imprisonment 
of half a year, fell to his share.  During these confinements he 
wrote the following books, viz.:  OF PRAYER BY THE SPIRIT:  THE 
HOLY CITY'S RESURRECTION:  GRACE ABOUNDING:  PILGRIM'S PROGRESS, 
the first part.

In the last year of his twelve years' imprisonment, the pastor of 
the congregation at BEDFORD died, and he was chosen to that care of 
souls, on the 12th of DECEMBER 1671.  And in this his charge, he 
often had disputes with scholars that came to oppose him, as 
supposing him an ignorant person, and though he argued plainly, and 
by Scripture, without phrases and logical expressions, yet he 
nonplussed one who came to oppose him in his congregation, by 
demanding, Whether or no we had the true copies of the original 
Scriptures; and another, when he was preaching, accused him of 
uncharitableness, for saying, IT WAS VERY HARD FOR MOST TO BE 
SAVED; saying, by that he went about to exclude most of his 
congregation; but he confuted him, and put him to silence with the 
parable of the stony ground, and other texts out of the 13th 
chapter of ST MATTHEW, in our Saviour's sermon out of a ship; all 
his methods being to keep close to the Scriptures, and what he 
found not warranted there, himself would not warrant nor determine, 
unless in such cases as were plain, wherein no doubts or scruples 
did arise.

But not to make any further mention of this kind, it is well known 
that this person managed all his affairs with such exactness, as if 
he had made it his study, above all other things, not to give 
occasion of offence, but rather suffer many inconveniences, to 
avoid being never heard to reproach or revile any, what injury 
soever he received, but rather to rebuke those that did; and as it 
was in his conversation, so it is manifested in those books he has 
caused to be published to the world; where like the archangel 
disputing with Satan about the body of MOSES, as we find it in the 
epistle of ST JUDE, brings no railing accusation (but leaves the 
rebukers, those that persecuted him) to the Lord.

In his family he kept up a very strict discipline in prayer and 
exhortation; being in this like JOSHUA, as the good man expresses 
it, viz., WHATSOEVER OTHERS DID, AS FOR ME AND MY HOUSE, WE WILL 
SERVE THE LORD:  and indeed a blessing waited on his labours and 
endeavours, so that his wife, as the Psalmist says, WAS LIKE A 
PLEASANT VINE UPON THE WALLS OF HIS HOUSE, AND HIS CHILDREN LIKE 
OLIVE BRANCHES ROUND HIS TABLE; FOR SO SHALL IT BE WITH THE MAN 
THAT FEARS THE LORD, and though by reason of the many losses he 
sustained by imprisonment and spoil, of his chargeable sickness, 
etc., his earthly treasure swelled not to excess; he always had 
sufficient to live decently and creditably, and with that he had 
the greatest of all treasures, which is content; for as the wise 
man says, THAT IS A CONTINUAL FEAST.

But where content dwells, even a poor cottage is a kingly palace, 
and this happiness he had all his life long; not so much minding 
this world, as knowing he was here as a pilgrim and stranger, and 
had no tarrying city, but looked for one made with hands eternal in 
the highest heavens:  but at length was worn out with sufferings, 
age, and often teaching, the day of his dissolution drew near, and 
death, that unlocks the prison of the soul, to enlarge it for a 
more glorious mansion, put a stop to his acting his part on the 
stage of mortality; heaven, like earthly princes, when it threatens 
war, being always so kind as to call home its ambassadors before it 
be denounced, and even the last act or undertaking of his, was a 
labour of love and charity; for it so falling out that a young 
gentleman, a neighbour of Mr BUNYAN'S, happening into the 
displeasure of his father, and being much troubled in mind upon 
that account, and also for that he heard his father purposed to 
disinherit him, or otherwise deprive him of what he had to leave; 
he pitched upon Mr BUNYAN as a fit man to make way for his 
submission, and prepare his father's mind to receive him; and he, 
as willing to do any good office, as it could be requested, as 
readily undertook it; and so riding to READING in BERKSHIRE, he 
then there used such pressing arguments and reasons against anger 
and passion, as also for love and reconciliation, that the father 
was mollified, and his bowels yearned to his returning son.

But Mr BUNYAN, after he had disposed all things to the best for 
accommodation, returning to LONDON, and being overtaken with 
excessive rains, coming to his lodgings extremely wet, fell sick of 
a violent fever, which he bore with much constancy and patience, 
and expressed himself as if he desired nothing more than to be 
dissolved, and be with Christ, in that case esteeming death as 
gain, and life only a tedious delaying felicity expected; and 
finding his vital strength decay, having settled his mind and 
affairs, as well as the shortness of time, and the violence of his 
disease would permit, with a constant and christian patience, he 
resigned his soul into the hands of his most merciful Redeemer, 
following his pilgrim from the City of Destruction, to the New 
JERUSALEM; his better part having been all along there, in holy 
contemplation, pantings and breathings after the hidden manna and 
water of life, as by many holy and humble consolations expressed in 
his letters to several persons in prison, and out of prison, too 
many to be inserted at present.  He died at the house of one Mr 
STRUDDOCK, a grocer, at the Star on SNOW HILL, in the parish of ST 
SEPULCHRE'S, LONDON, on the 12th of AUGUST 1688, and in the 
sixtieth year of his age, after ten days' sickness; and was buried 
in the new burying place near the Artillery Ground; where he sleeps 
to the morning of the resurrection, in hopes of a glorious rising 
to an incorruptible immortality of joy and happiness; where no more 
trouble and sorrow shall afflict him, but all tears be wiped away; 
when the just shall be incorporated as members of Christ their 
head, and reign with Him as kings and priests for ever.


A brief Character of MR JOHN BUNYAN


HE appeared in countenance to be of a stern and rough temper, but 
in his conversation mild and affable; not given to loquacity or 
much discourse in company, unless some urgent occasion required it; 
observing never to boast of himself or his parts, but rather seem 
low in his own eyes, and submit himself to the judgment of others, 
abhorring lying and swearing, being just in all that lay in his 
power to his word, not seeming to revenge injuries, loving to 
reconcile differences, and make friendship with all; he had a sharp 
quick eye, accompanied with an excellent discerning of persons, 
being of good judgment and quick wit.  As for his person, he was 
tall of stature, strong boned, though not corpulent, somewhat of a 
ruddy face, with sparkling eyes, wearing his hair on his upper lip, 
after the old British fashion; his hair reddish, but in his latter 
days, time had sprinkled it with grey; his nose well set, but not 
declining or bending, and his mouth moderate large; his forehead 
somewhat high, and his habit always plain and modest.  And thus 
have we impartially described the internal and external parts of a 
person, whose death hath been much regretted; a person who had 
tried the smiles and frowns of time; not puffed up in prosperity, 
nor shaken in adversity; always holding the golden mean.


In him at once did three great worthies shine,
Historian, poet, and a choice divine:
Then let him rest in undisturbed dust,
Until the resurrection of the just.


POSTSCRIPT


IN this his pilgrimage, God blessed him with four children, one of 
which, named MARY, was blind, and died some years before; his other 
children were THOMAS, JOSEPH, and SARAH; his wife ELIZABETH having 
lived to see him overcome his labour and sorrow, and pass from this 
life to receive the reward of his work, long survived him not; but 
in 1692 she died, to follow her faithful pilgrim from this world to 
the other, whither he was gone before her; whilst his works, which 
consist of sixty books, remain for the edifying of the reader, and 
praise of the author.