WHO WAS WHO 5000 B. C. to Date
Biographical Dictionary of the Famous and Those Who Wanted to Be
Edited by Irwin L. Gordon
NOTE
THE editor begs leave to inform the public that only persons
who can produce proper evidence of their demise will be
admitted to Who Was Who. Press Agent notices or complimentary
comments are absolutely excluded, and those offering to pay for
the insertion of names will be prosecuted. As persons become
eligible they will be included without solicitation, while the
pages will be expurgated of others should good luck warrant.
Who Was Who contains over 500 biographies of those who did or
endeavored to become famous. In a work of such magnitude
errors occasionally occur. Should this be the case, the editor
will be glad to receive corrections from the ex-celebrities or
their enemies. These will be accepted gratis. Proofs will be
sent to all subscribers. Members of the family will be able to
order the coming editions in advance by applying and remitting
to the publisher.
The work is fully protected by the libel laws of the United
States and Great Britain. Under no circumstance will duels be
fought.
The editor wishes to express his thanks to those who have
furnished material for this book. He also trusts they will
show their good feeling by purchasing a copy, and that all the
unfortunates will speedily be returned to Who's Who. THE
EDITOR.
ABBREVIATIONS
A1.......... Can open charge account.
A. B........ Four years hard sentence.
A. M........ When we get up.
Cit......... Common people.
C. O. D..... No credit.
Cong........ A Washington organization used for social and
investigation purposes.
D. D........ Be careful of your jokes.
Dem......... Politicians who get in office, once in awhile.
D. H........ Pull.
D. T........ Delirium tremens.
Ets......... The rest of us.
F. R. A..... Brains.
F. R. G. S.. People who do not stay at home.
G. O. P..... Hic jacet.
Hon......... Speaker of the occasion.
H. R. H..... Chief advertiser for cigarettes, mustard and kid
gloves.
I........... Roosevelt.
Incog....... Prominent men in Paris.
IOU......... Hard luck.
Ire......... Mother of politicians.
LL. D....... American millionaires.
M. P........ Home rule debaters.
Parl........ Where the M. P.s debate.
P. M........ When we go to bed.
R. A........ Any kind of a painter but a cubist.
Rep......... See G. O. P.
R. I. P..... See following pages.
Sir......... Writers and tea merchants.
U. S. A..... Bryan + Wilson.
OBITUARY
Bryan, William Jennings, of U. S. A.
Cannon, Joseph G., of U. S. Congress.
Castro, Cipriano, of Venezuela Asphalt Trust.
Cavalieri, Lina, of Paris and New York City.
Cook, Doctor Fred. A., of New York City and Denmark.
Dewey, George E., of U. S. N.
Diaz, Perfiro, of Mexico.
Din, Gunga, of Kipling.
Dreyfus, Captain, of France.
Fallieres, Armand, of the French Republic.
Gorky, Maxime, of Russia.
Hafid, Mulai, of Morocco.
Hamed, Abdul, of Turkey.
Hammerstein, Oscar, of New York City and London.
Holmes, Sherlock, of Doyle.
Huerta, V., General of Mexico.
Irish Home Rule, of Ireland and London.
Johnson, Jack, of U. S. A.
Lloyd-George, David, of England.
Manuel, King, of Portugal.
Pankhurst, Mrs., of England.
Patti, Adelina, of Wales.
Roberts, Frederick S., of Kandohr.
Rojesvensky, Admiral, of Russia.
Roosevelt, Theodore, of "The Outlook."
Shackelton, Earnest, of England.
Shuster, Morgan, of Persia.
Sulzer, William, of Tammany Fall.
Taft, William Howard, of Cincinnati, U. S. A.
Time, Father, of Everywhere.
Turkey.
Widow, Merry, of Paris, London, and New York City.
BIOGRAPHIES
A
ADAM[1] (last name unknown), ancestor, explorer, gardener, and
inaugurator of history. Biographers differ as to his
parentage. Born first Saturday of year 1. Little is known of
his childhood. Education: Self-educated. Entered the
gardening and orchard business when a young man. Was a strong
anti-polygamist. Married Eve, a close relative. Children, Cain
and Abel (see them). Was prosperous for some years, but
eventually fell prey to his wife's fruitful ambitions. Lost
favor of the proprietor of the garden, and failed in business.
A. started a number of things which have not been perfected.
Diet: Fond of apples. Recreation: Chess, agriculture.
Address: Eden, General Delivery. Clubs: Member of all
exclusive clubs.
[1] Ed. Note: Adam should not be first, but he is given that
position out of respect.
ABEL, son of the above. Spent early days in the Garden of Eden
with his parents, and later traveled with them. Conducted a
sheep raising business. Finally had a row with his brother,
and was knocked out in the first round.
ABRAHAM, a patriarch whose descendants now own New York City,
Jerusalem, vast sections of the remainder of the globe, and
control the pawn-broking, diamond, theatrical, and old clothing
markets. Camel and sheep merchant. Considerable land was
willed him. A. prospered. Married Sarah (last name unknown).
Marital infelicity followed, A. having an affair with Mrs.
Abraham's maid. The woman was discharged, and the family lived
happily ever afterward. Ambition: The chosen people.
Recreation: Riding, tennis, camel racing. Address: Caanan.
Clubs: Country.
ABRUSSI, Prince Luigi Amedeo Guiseppe Maria Ferdinando
Francesco, of the Italian nobility. Spent the greater portion
of his life taking care of his name, climbing mountains,
fighting Turks, and denying rumors regarding his marriage.
ACHILLES (first name unknown), a baby whose mother gave him a
bath, but forgot to wash all of his feet. Later was veteran of
the siege of Troy. Died before receiving pension.
AESOP, novelist, nature faker. Little is known of his
childhood except that he was fond of dogs and played with the
cat. Later he made animals his life's study. A. discovered the
zoological principal that a turtle can run faster than a
rabbit, and that foxes never eat sour grapes. Publications:
Fables; the book has had a good sale. Address: Greece.
Clubs: Zoological Societies.
ALADDIN, of Somewhere. An ancient who possessed a lamp and a
genii with which he could secure anything an American
millionaire or actress can now purchase.
ALDRICH, Senator N. W., architect of the Aldrich Plan, a system
for removing the financial interests of the country from the
common people and placing them in the hands of the few.
ALPHONSO XIII, a king who enjoyed Paris without losing his job.
AMUNDSON, Captain Roald, another pole discoverer. Away back in
the year 1912 he reached the south pole after a considerable
journey through the Arctic regions. Like his predecessors he
became an author and lecturer. Publications: The South Pole.
Price, Pd2.2S in England; $10.50 in the U. S. Later A. retired
and lived on his royalty. Ambition: A few more poles, a few
more books.
ANANIAS. See Dr. Cook and Roosevelt.
ANDERSON, Mary, actress; one of the wisest women who ever
lived. In the height of a brilliant stage career she fell in
love, and decided that a quiet home with a husband and children
was more to be desired than the empty plaudits of the crowd,
and the attentions of stage-door Johnnies.
ANGELO, Mike, painter and sculptor of no mean ability. Born in
Italy, but named after Irish relatives. At school he showed
his talents by making cartoons of the teachers. These were
unappreciated. Moved to Florence, where he bought some
chisels, brushes, and saw his first model. A. remained a
bachelor. Later he moved to Rome, and began a brilliant
church-decorating career. Secured permission of the Pope to
give an exhibition in the Vatican. This was finally made
permanent. Also made a fortune erecting tomb-stones for the
Medici family, leading politicians of his time. It is difficult
to leave Italy without seeing much of his work. A. never
favored the cubists or post-impressionists. Recreations:
Painting, sculpture. Address: Rome.
ANTHONY, Saint, of Pauda. An Italian who visited Paris, and
could not forget what he saw.
ANTOINETTE, Marie, wife of Louis No. 15, who assisted her
husband to spend the French taxes. Was also a practical joker,
her humor terminating at Versailles when she advised a mob to
eat cake during a bread famine. Her wit was unappreciated.
Ambition: Anything but October 16, 1791. Recreation:
Versailles; looking through a grated window. Address:
Versailles. Later: Consiergerie, Paris.
APOLLO, a handsome ancient who fell in love, posed for his
statues, patronized music and poetry, and, finally, had a table
water named in his honor. Career: See longer and less
respectable biographies. A. was the first person to sing to
the accompaniment of a musical instrument, but he was a good
singer. Ambition: Paris. Recreation: Music, travel,
archery. Address: Greece. Clubs: Athletic, musical.
ARC, Joan of, celebrated French suffragette. Spent girlhood
milking cows and embroidering. When the English ministry began
operations in France J. dropped her embroidery in the milk
bucket and began suffragetting. She did not break windows or
blow up anything. Gathered a host of males about her and
captured towns. English exited. J. went back to the cow, but
again had to take to the armor. She was finally jailed, and
burnt up by the Radical ministry. She burned an old maid.
Recreation: Barn dances, churning. Clubs: Orleans
Suffragette.
ARISTOTLE. Introduced brains into Greece.
ARMOUR, a Chicago family who keep the world supplied with meat,
and themselves out of the government jails.
ARNOLD, Benedict, a man who sent his name down through history
with a bad odor attached to it.
ARTHUR, King, a very dead English sovereign who manufactured
the Round Table, and did all the things a good English king
should do. Little is known of his Prince of Waleshood. Was
crowned in Westminster Abbey, but without the American
contingent. Became proficient as a knight. Stayed away from
the palace so much his queen began flirting. Al's sword was a
wonder. Press Agent: Lord Tennyson. recreation: Grailing.
Address: Windsor, Buckingham.
ASQUITH, Herbert Henry, an Englishman who helped run things in
his country before 1908, and who ran things after 1908. Was
also a favorite rallying point for suffragettes. Led a
successful wing-dipping expedition against some of his
countrymen who held titles to names and property. Also juggled
dynamite in Parliament (see Lloyd-George). Ambition: Women
without ambitions. Recreation: Dodging, golf. Address:
Constantly in danger of a change. Clubs: Favored Radical.
ATKINS, Thomas, celebrated red-coat-wearing dandy who flirts
with nurses and cooks, spends his time boasting about South
Africa and the U. S. A., posing for motion pictures, and
exhibiting royalty. Authorities differ as to his marksmanship,
although it is now conceded he can often hit a man-sized target
at the distance of 4 feet 3 inches. Weather, however, must be
clear. Is an authority on creases, backbone, accent, and tea.
Beverage: Everything. Recreation: Jacks, collecting stamps,
Kipling, blindman's-buff, parlor tricks, May-pole festivities.
Ambition: Tortoise-shell monocles, camp manacurists, pocket
bath-tubs, and restoration of the tea canteen. Epitaph: See
Emperor William.
ATLAS, a man who held up the heavens and was not even a
preacher. Edited a huge book which bears his name.
AURELIUS, Marcus, one of the few Romans who is not remembered
for crossing a river, for being murdered, for murdering
somebody, for making speeches, or building triumphant arches or
ruins.
B
BABY, T. H. E., an unscrupulous tyrant, s. father and mother.
His first appearance caused heaven at home, and an idiotic
father. Education: At home. Career: A series of adventures.
Was frequently ill, a poor sleeper, toy demolisher, throat
exerciser, nurse distractor, and a general nuisance. Despite
his shortcomings he ruled Home with an iron hand--a tear caused
a doctor-- a smile meant a gold mine. Diet: Principally
liquid. Ambition: The moon. Recreation: Coaching, hair
pulling, a proud father. Address: See Mother.
BACCHUS, patron saint of most men, benefactor, a jolly good
fellow, and the founder of the "morning after" feeling.
Studied vine raising when a young man. Discovered that grapes
were not intended for a food. Invented the greatest pleasure
and pain giver the world has ever seen. Became a traveler.
Introduced ale and stout in England, whiskey in Scotland,
everything in Ireland, cocktails and patent medicines in the
United States, beer in Germany, champagne in France, absinthe
in France, and vodka in Russia. Career: Magnificent.
Recreation: Paris. Address: Greece. Clubs: All, except W.
C. T. U. Epitaph: He Will Live In The Throats Of His
Countrymen.
BACON, Francis, either wrote or did not write Shakespeare.
BAEDEKER, Karl, one of the most versatile men who ever lived.
Childhood and old age unknown. Formed an ambition to travel
when quite young. First visited Switzerland, where he climbed
every peak, walked every path, hired every guide, and did
everything a tourist should so. His field of travel widened
until every country in Europe was visited, as well as the
United States, Canada, Alaska, and Mexico. In these lands he
slept in every hotel, ate every dish in every restaurant, drank
every wine, rode on every boat, tramway, subway, and train;
visited every ruin, museum, art gallery, church, store;
mastered every language, science, art, literature, custom,
history, and drew maps and plans of everything. Publications:
Baedekers. Recreation: Staying at home. Ambition: Tourists.
Residence: Germany.
BALFOUR, Arthur James, of England, one time leader of the
talking forces of the House of Commons. Ambition: Opposition
seats on both sides of the house, and an epitaph over the home
rule bill. Recreation: St. Andrew's golf and writing deep
books.
BALZAC, H., a Frenchman who wrote a few Parisian stories which
may be discussed in respectable company.
BARBAROSSA, Kaiser, the only emperor of Germany who ever went
to sleep.
BARKIS. Fame rested only upon his complete willingness.
BARLEYCORN, John, an eminent citizen of the world. Spent early
days in the fields, breweries, and distilleries. Later resided
in cellars. John had a red nose. Was a great friend of
Bacchus. He was a "wasser," he is an "iser," and he will be a
"will be-er." Ambition: The end of temperance societies.
BARNUM, Phineas T., fathered the introduction of the peanut,
the clown, and the beautiful bareback riders. As a side show
he taught that some Americans were Progressives part of the
time; that other Americans were Republicans all the time, but
that all Americans were not Democrats all the time.
BARRY, Madame Du, writers' model, former queen of France. Was
a great friend of Louis XV. and helped make the dances at
Versailles a success. She always preferred marcel waves to
pompadours. Ambition: To have and to hold. Address: See
Louis. Clubs: Anti-suffragette.
BARTHOLOMEW, an unfortunate saint who was skinned alive. Patron
of gold mine investors and American tourists in Europe.
BEARD, Blue, inventor of an original method to dispose of
wives, before Reno was discovered.
BEATRICE, a Florentine girl who gained fame by refusing the
suit of a love-sick poet. Later she conducted him through
heaven, and made arrangements for his travels in the other
place. B. died a famous old maid. Ambition: A lover with
money. Epitaph: She Might Have Been Mrs. Dante Had She Wanted
To.
BEECHAM, a celebrated pill roller.
BELL, Alexander Graham, inventor of a well-known necessity and
nuisance. Started the saying, "Number, please."
BELSHAZZAR, an old king whose handwriting on the wall proved to
be correct.
BENEDICT, Saint, the man who introduced benedictine and monks
into Europe. Also gave his name to benedicts.
BERLITZ, the man who will teach you how to say it in
everything.
BERNHARDT, Sarah, an ancient French actress. Sarah was born
before birth records were inaugurated, and no historian has
been able to determine her age. Career: On the stage at four
months. During her young-woman and goodlooking days-hood B. is
said to have made a hit with European nobility. In her
declining years she made a few other fortunes in the United
States. B.'s fame culminated in having several cigars,
perfumes, perspiration powders, and a theatre named after her.
Ambition: The fountain of youth. Recreation: Statuary,
acting. Address: Private cars and 56 Blvd. Pereire, Paris.
She also has a telephone.
BILL, Buffalo, alias W. F. Cody, the delight of the American
boy. He began his career shooting buffaloes and Indians on the
plains of the West, and ended it shooting glass balls for a
fortune in a tent. Installed the I-want-to-be-a-cow-boy
ambition in the hearts of young America. He also made a goatee
and a big hat famous. Played the show market a little too long.
BILLIKEN, a funny little fellow who did not wear many clothes,
and made people laugh.
BISMARCK, a German who was a greater politician than any
Ireland has ever produced. He built an empire, crowned an
emperor, changed the Frenchmen in Alsace-Lorraine into
Dutchmen, and made the Paris mint work overtime for his
country. Quite unpopular in France. Ambition: Made in
Germany.
BLACKSTONE, a rock upon which many a legal ship has foundered.
BLERIOT, benefactor of humanity, idol of the tourist, and enemy
of navigation. B. discovered a method of crossing the English
Channel without being seasick.
BLUCHER, a Dutchman who was on the job at Waterloo. He also
was not the only German general who ever fought France.
BONAPARTE, Joe, just Nap.'s brother (see him).
BONHEUR, Rosa, a lady French artist who wore men's clothes.
Being an old maid, she painted animals, but never mastered the
parrot or the cat. Her endeavors were confined to horses, and
one of her paintings is considered fair.
BOOTH, General William, founder of a vast army which never
fought a battle, made a retreat, or surrendered. Conducted
campaigns in Great Britain and the United States, with brass
bands and collection devises. The army later became a
suffragette institution when women were admitted as recruits,
and placed as sentries to guard the Christmas-Easter collection
forts. Publication: War Cry. Recreation: Reviewing troopers
and troopesses.
BOSWELL, Dr. Johnson's press agent (see the Doctor).
BRADSTREET, author. Wrote a book in which he described your
bank account and told how you paid your bills. His
complimentary comments are highly valued.
BRIEUX, Eugene, a seller of damaged goods who got away with it
without being fined or driven out of business.
BROWN, John, an American who helped start the Civil War by
espousing the cause of the negro. This resulted in his body
moulding in the grave.
BROWN, Thomas, an Englishman who reversed the usual procedure
of life by springing into print when young, and keeping out of
it when old.
BROWNING, Robert, a cryptogram writer whose poems are
deciphered by the Bostonese and cultured English people. It
has been estimated that B. could say more with fewer words and
conceal his meaning better than any writer since the adaptation
of the alphabet as a means of expression.
BROWNING, Mrs., Bob's wife. She also wrote poems. They were
easily understood, and consequently seldom read.
BRUMMELL, Beau, a man whose thoughts were more for the crease
in his pantaloons than for his head.
BRUTUS, Et Tu, a Roman murderer.
BRYAN, William Jennings, a famous Chatauqua lecturer who ran a
newspaper and the State Department on the side. Archaeologists
claim B. formed a passion to rule the nation when a child. He
only got as far as the Democratic party and platforms. Became a
golden orator with a silver speech and offered himself as a
rectifier of all things not Bryan. For ages his name was
placed on the presidential ballot and later removed. Made a
fortune by telling people why they did not elect him. Also
toured the world, but shot no game in Africa or Monte Carlo.
Was the father of Bryanism, an odious word meaning things
Bryan. Later secured one Wilson to attend to Washington detail
work. Motto: All things come to him with bait. Ambition:
Short ballot with one name. Publications: The Commoner, a
newspaper devoted to Bryan advertisements. Address: Mail
forwarded from Washington. Epitaph: He Will Rise Again.
BUCHANAN, J. C., manufacturer of the Scotchman's delight and
weakness. He showed the world the excellence of two colors, and
caused many a man to lose the keyhole.
BUDDHA, a prince of India who tired of good times and turned
reformer. Advised his congregations to adopt the recall and
referendum. Nailed several anti-saloon and burlesque planks in
his platform. After B.'s death his friends filled the Orient
with his bronzes. He was fat and wore a fascinating wart on his
forehead.
BULL, John, a fine, fat, American-beef fed individual who
inhabits a suffragette-infested island somewhere in the North
Atlantic. Born several hundred years ago and is beginning to
show his age. Is fond of the sea and is said to have a fine
fleet. This has had off years, notably 1812. B. has had
trouble with a son who wishes to leave the paternal protection.
Is fearless except when faced by a hunger strike, the Pankhurst
family, and thoughts of Germany. Patronizes a costly social
organization known as the Royal Family, or a reception
committee for American heiresstocracy, which also dedicates
buildings, poses for stamps, post-cards, motion pictures and
raises princesses of Wales for magazine articles and crowning
purposes. B. is a monitor of English style; wears a monocle,
spats, 'i 'at, cane, pipe, awful accent, and never makes his
appearance without a cawld bawth. He detests the word
"egotism." Is a celebrated humorist, seeing through all jokes
but himself. Ambition: 'Ome sweet 'Ome. Recreation: Tea,
Week Ends. Address: Hingland. Clubs: Policemen's, Golf,
Jockey, and Suffrage. Epitaph: See Emperor William Again.
BURNS, Robert, surnamed "Bobby," a Scotch bard who wrote love
poems about his sweetheart. He thus performed two remarkable
feats-- making poetry in the Scotch language, and finding a
girl in Scotland who was as beautiful as his lines declare.
BUTTERFLY, Madame, a little Japanese lady whose child has
remained the same size and age for the past eight years.
BYRON, Lord, an Englishman who swam rivers, was wise enough to
get away from the London weather, helped kindle Greek fire, and
wrote poems.
C
CAESAR, Julius, school book writer, river crosser, and a great
politician who was not born in Ireland. Entered Roman politics
as the leader of the Gang. Was active in military affairs.
Became a fair general despite his poor service training.
Desired to write a book. Began by taking an army and capturing
Europe and England. He did not waste his time with Scotland or
Ireland. C. made a river famous by crossing it, and finally
included Rome in his history of victories. Became popular with
the voters, but had trouble with the Senate. Wrote books and
paid his debts. Was finally attacked by a few vested-interest
senators, and stabbed by a chum. The murderer was caught, but
escaped the gallows. C. was honored with one of the finest
funeral orations over delivered over a corpse. He was also
awarded a few triumphant arches. Publications: Omnes Gallia
est divisa in tres parses. Ambition: Rome: Address:
Capitol, Rome. Clubs: Gladiators, Vestal. Was also a member
of the Society for the Protection of Roman Ruins. Epitaph:
Veni, Vidi.
CAIN, one of our ancestors of whom we do not brag.
CANNON, Honorable Joseph G., late of the Speaker's Chair, House
of Representatives, Washington, U. S. A. For centuries C.
occupied the chair, and tenderly protected poor railroads and
trusts from the unkind remarks of congressmen who knew things
and him. Was finally retired from the chair by the Democrats,
and from Congress by his constituents. Grave: 1912 election.
Heir: Champ Clark. Ambition: Those good old trusty days once
more. Address: The Far Back Woods. Epitaph: R. I. P.
CANUTE, a king of England who proved the theory that the ocean
could wave at him.
CARLOS, Don, a man who does not believe a head is uneasy which
wears a crown. Ambition: Royal Palace, Madrid. Address:
Northern Spain.
CARMEN, celebrated Spanish flirt. She worked in the government
tobacco factory at Seville until a clever writer and a musician
rescued her. Went on the stage. Has appeared in most of the
cities throughout the world, made love to several singers, and
then been killed by a bull fighter after singing her way
through five acts.
CARNEGIE, Andrew, or "Andy," or the Laird of Skibo. A fine old
American who went about giving away libraries, advice, peace
buildings, and advertising armor plate. When a young Scotchman
he scotched his three dollars a week and purchased the steel
trust. Later retired. Ambition: Universal peace with all
dreadnaughts steel trust armored. Also a library in every
town. Recreation: Telling young men how to scorn the root of
all fortunes. Also receiving university degrees. Address:
University commencement platforms, New York City and Scotland.
CARTER, a doctor who wants everybody to have liver trouble.
CARUSO, Enrico, millionaire opera singer, who appeared in the
Victor Talking Machine and New York City. Always had a cold or
a sore throat, a condition which assisted materially in filling
the house. Like all his contemporaries, C. has been sued for
divorce and breach of promise, has lost his jewelry, visited
zoological gardens, sung for charity, given farewell concerts,
and done other things to help his newspaper and box-office
reputation.
CASTELLINE, Count Boni Di, a French gold prospector who was
successful for a time in the U. S.
CASTOR, one of Leda's twins. Also invented an oil (see
Pollux).
CASTRO, Cipriano, of Venezuela. First man to introduce
American-Irish politics into South America. Acquired a
fortune, which was greatly increased by a personal friendship
with the American asphalt trust. Was revolutioned a few times,
and finally escaped with the mint and his life. Career:
Dangerous. Ambition: Subjects without guns? and a New York
police force in his country. Recreation: Taxes. Address: ?
CHAMBERLAIN, Joe A., of England. A former Lloyd-George of the
Treasury, who had different ideas of taxation.
CHARON, ferryman. Never had a childhood. Devoted life to his
business. Has navigated more people than all the Atlantic
liners combined. Ambition: A launch. Recreation: None.
Address: The Styx.
CHAUCER (first name unknown), an early experimenter in the
English language. Notorious as a bad speller. His best-known
work is used as a student puzzle in leading universities and
colleges. Ambition: A typewriter and a dictionary.
CHINAMAN, John, a well-known character in the U. S. who washed
clothes, and made chop suey until he had enough money to return
to his native land, purchase a few wives, and live in opium.
CHURCHILL, Winston, wrote books for a living.
CHURCHILL, Winston, did not write books for a living.
CINCINNATUS, of Rome, who left his plow to make his share in
politics. Later inaugurated the back-to-the-farm movement.
CINDERELLA, the only scullion maid who had a small foot and two
sisters in society. Historians have questioned her claims to
fame, but they may easily be substantiated by millions of
children.
CLAUS, Santa, poor father.
CLEOPATRA, of Egypt. A queen who presented England with a
threadless needle, fell in love with some foreigners, was
unsuccessful in her love and naval affairs, and finally became
a mummy through the auspices of an adder. Ambition: An
Egyptian St. Patrick. Also Royal lovers. Recreation: Barging
with Anthony. Epitaph: Pyramid.
CLIMBERS, T. H. E., an American man and woman who had money and
ambition. Spent the early portion of their lives gathering
cash, and the later in spending it. Were welcomed by many
people, but never quite reached the top. Both died trying to
get there. Ambition: An English nobleman in the family.
Recreation: Paris, London, and Switzerland. Address: See
Recreation. Clubs: All, with the exception of the ones they
wanted.
COLE, King, a merry old monarch of the Kingdom of Childhood.
Great smoker, and was fond of the bowl. Recreation: Fiddlers.
COLEMAN, a man whose invention has caused tears and throat
burnings.
COLUMBUS, Christopher, map enlarger, skipper. Said to have
been born in Genoa. Something made him believe the world was
round. He endeavored to secure money to prove his theory, but
nobody cared whether he was correct or not. Realizing there
was no capital or prophet in his own country, he took passage
to Spain. There he inveigled Isabella into equipping an
expedition for him to discover America. She did and he did.
Ambition: To keep New York City in the family. Recreation:
Deck shuffle-boards, dreaming. Address: San Salvatore. Clubs:
Palos Yacht.
COMPANY, T. H. E., a man and woman who invariably called when
we were taking a nap or dressing. Charming conversationalists.
Recreation: Tea. Ambition: An invitation to dinner.
CONFUCIUS, A Chinese preacher of note. Lived some 500 years B.
C. and taught the chinks the art of joss making, and how to do
things backward. He also was the founder of ancestor worship.
This still is practiced in England, but never in the United
States or Australia. Recreation: Fireworks. Ambition: A
Chinese laundry in every city. Epitaph: More Majorum.
CONQUEROR, Will The, of Normandy. Wrote "Hastings" and "1066"
in all history books.
COOK, T. H. E., Lord of the Household. Entered the kitchen at
a tender age. Soon acquired considerable weight in person, and
in the management of the house. When she departed there was
weeping, and wailing, and waiting. Diet: Usually large and
everything of the best. Ambition: An American policeman, or
Thomas Atkins. Recreations: Days off. Address: The whole
house.
COOK, Captain, a real explorer who discovered the Sandwich
Islands and who took the first Cook's tour around the world.
COOK, Doctor Frederick A., an explorer who said he discovered
the north pole, but nobody believed him. (See Peary.)
COOK, Tom, celebrated ticket seller, author of captivating
travel literature, and a tour arranger who guarantees to save
you money. Owns and operates the Nile and Mount Vesuvius.
Publications: The Come On Books. Ambition: Those Americans
who want to see everything. Also "first timers." Address: Any
foreign city equipped with tourists.
COOK (first name not known), son of the above, who helps his
father save money for the tourist. He is called "fils" in
Paris.
COPPERFIELD, Dave, one of Dickens' friends who assisted him in
building a reputation.
CORBETT, James J., known as "gentleman Jim," one-time champion
fighter of the world, and a "has been" for whom everybody has a
good word. Many persons wish he might be the Corbett he used
to be. Ambition: A white champion.
CORELLI,[2] Marie, an old-maid authoress who wrote delightful
love scenes. She is said to have written some books which
brought her fame and royalty. C. does not approve of society
except her own. She remains secluded with her typewriter at
Mason Croft, Stratford-on-Avon, only being seen by her
publishers and the editor. Publications: See book stores and
railway stations. Recreation: Flowers. Clubs: All
anti-suffragette.
[2] Ed. Note: The editor hopes to remove this name before the
next edition. Its insertion is entirely due to the machinations
of book reviewers, who claim Miss Corelli's books have fallen
into the "was" class. The editor never contradicts a book
reviewer.
COXEY, General, leader of the only non-militant army in the
world which did not take up collections or give away Christmas
dinners.
CRITIC, Dramatic, a notorious prevaricator who tells the world
to see all the shows, and thus preserves the advertising column
for his employers.
CROESUS, an ancient John D. Rockefeller, who became wealthy
without trusts, the Supreme Court, or the stock market.
CROKER, Dick, ex-king of New York City. Born in Ireland of
Irish parents. From childhood he practiced the art of politics,
which resulted in his gaining the friendship of the New York
police force. C. was elected. C. was very poor. Later
retired to his native land with two Atlantic liners filled with
salary. Ambition: An Irish president. Recreation: English
Derbys. Address: Ireland. Clubs: 1,100,000 New York
Democratic.
CROMWELL, Oliver, a militant Presbyterian who entered politics,
and went about England tearing down churches. He also assisted
in putting King Charles I. out of his pleasure. Ran things in
England on a reform-Cromwell basis, and after his death was
honored by having his round head placed as a decoration over
Westminster Hall.
CRUSOE, Robinson, F. R. G. S., traveller and autobiographer.
Visited a sparsely-settled island in the Pacific Ocean; talked
to parrots; found some footprints; rescued Friday, and returned
to England to become an author.
CUPID, Daniel, a cute little fat fellow who called on every one
at least once. Born shortly after Adam, and is still up to
mischievous tricks. It was he who made kings fall in love with
poor country girls; chauffeurs with their ladies, and beggars
with princesses. C. held all men and women equal provided they
were good, and he made the happiest people on earth when they
listened to his voice. He witnessed several international
engagements, but did not like them, as the contestants gave him
a black eye. He also was responsible for mothers-in-law. Some
roads he made very rough, but C. always was a good guide. At
times he caused pain, but he said it never was his fault. When
C. stayed in a house the sun was always shining. You should be
at home when he calls. Ambition: That sigh. Recreation:
Archery. Address: Perhaps you know. Clubs: None. He prefers
the fireside and moonlight nights.
CURIE, Madame, one of the few women who got her name in print
without being a suffragette or an actress.
CZAR. See Russia.
D
DANIEL, ancient lion tamer. Also performed the difficult feat
of remaining in a fiery furnace without his family applying for
the insurance.
DANTE, of Italy, architect of the under world, journalist,
lover, and poor politician. Wrote articles for magazines, but
used too much slang. Later fell in love. The girl (see her)
knew what journalists were, and refused to spoon. Exasperated,
he began a bombardment of poetry. That settled it. D. then
entered politics. Soon learned they did not mix with love and
his business. Both he and his manuscripts were banished.
Traveled in Italy in the interests of safety. Posed for his
bust while suffering with a bad attack of dyspepsia.
Publications: Poems, tragedies, and comedies (?). Ambition:
To be Beatrice's Romeo. Recreation: Travel. Address: II via
Dante, Florence. Seldom at home.
DANTON, the man who wound up France before the revolution.
DARLING, Grace, a light-house keeper's daughter who showed the
world that a woman may fear a mouse, but not a tempest. One of
the truly brave who did not receive a Carnegie advertisement.
DARWIN, Charlie, a well-known enemy of preachers. He discovered
that many men looked like their progenitors, and proved his
theories with the exception of one link. The clergymen claimed
that a chain with one link missing was no chain, and that D.
was a nature faker. Publications: Origin of Species, a
valuable book, even if it does fail to explain the currency
bill.
DAUGHTER, Pharaoh's, an Egyptian princess, who took a bath, and
rescued little Moses from the bull rushes. (See Mose.)
DAVID, King, or "Dave," shepherd, writer, musician, champion
sling shot, and politician. Son of poor parents. Entered army
as a volunteer, and was awarded medals for his attack upon
Goliath. Appointed musician to the royal household. Became
friendly with the Prince of Wales and succeeded in doing him
out of the coronation. Later was elected king. Fell in love
with Mrs. (name not mentioned by newspapers). Gave her husband
a conspicuous position in the army. Married her. Heir: Sol.
Publications: Psalms. Recreation: Slinging. Address:
Jerusalem.
DEATH, a hideous man who called at least once during a
lifetime, usually toward the close. Patron of insurance
companies. Nothing is known of his childhood. Historians claim
he never had any. Possessed an ugly face; wore a sheet over his
head, and always carried a scythe in his hands. Never brought
happiness, although his visits frequently gave money to some
one. Never could be bribed to pass a house he wished to enter.
Many doctors and scientists have endeavored to kill him, but he
continues to be a safe bet at 100 to 1. Heir: None.
Ambition: A happy home and prosperous graveyards. Recreation:
Sharpening scythes. Address: Always hung out a black cloth
wherever he resided.
DELILAH, friend of Samson, and quite a dip. She also
accompanied Samson on a number of European and American opera
expeditions.
DELMONICO, founder of a Fifth Avenue New York City cafe, where
the cost of living has ever been high. He introduced the
French menu into the U. S. and with it considerable
indigestion.
DEMOSTHENES, an old Greek talker.
DENIS, Saint, a saint with an Irish name who made good in
France.
DEPEW, Chauncey M., an ancient railroad-wealthy U. S. Senator
from the state of New York. He made after-dinner speeches,
dedicated monuments; married a young wife, and was relegated to
obscurity by the American voters.
DESDEMONA, of Venice. A lady whose handkerchiefs cost more
than her clothes.
DESLYS, G., a French dancer who had sufficient charm to attract
a royal press agent, who could draw crowds and a big salary.
DEVIL, see Old Nic.
DEWAR, John, inventor of a popular Scotch beverage without
which no cold day is complete.
DEWEY, George E., a former American hero who totally destroyed
a Spanish armada in Manila Bay. He received the homage of a
nation; had cigars named after him; appeared in Who's Who; was
paraded through the streets; married a widow; moved to
Washington; got in bad with the inhabitants, and got out of the
newspapers.
DIANA, an ancient sportswoman who loved fox hunting, hounds,
and the chase without the conventionalities of a society hunt.
Address: Ephesus.
DIAZ, Porfiro, former king and political leader of Mexico, who
departed from the social functions of a king to assist the
government. Legends prevail to the effect that he patterned
his actions on a Napoleon-Roosevelt policy. He also was
requested to move. Ambition: A revolution with himself on
top. Recreation: The fandango. Address: Fifty years in the
White House of Mexico. Epitaph: Wilson Never Bothered Me.
DICE, see Thomas and Harry.
DICE, Diamond, American ten-cent adventurer; friend of the
messenger boys and embryo criminals. His biography formed an
important part in the lives of the boys who never visited the
Carnegie libraries.
DICKENS, Charles, an English writer who wrote.
DIN, Gunga, a limpin' lump of brick dust, water carrier.
Employed in H. R. H. service in India. Wore few clothes.
Fought in many battles. Frequently gave bad water to soldiers.
Rescued Thomas Atkins, but was shot while in the act. Saved
the government the price of a medal. His pathetic story was
widely published. Later it fell into disfavor in the U. S. and
Great Britain, it now being considered a crime to recite the
story. Ambition: To come back like Sherlock Holmes.
Recreation: Sleep. Address: Care of biographer.
DIOGENES, the most foolish man who ever lived. He endeavored
to find something with a lantern which could not even be
located with a searchlight. Ambition: A brighter lantern.
Recreation: Cleaning globes. Address: Tub. Epitaph: Here
Lies A Man Who Attempted The Impossible.
DISRAELI, a Hebrew who gave up the trades of his ancestors to
run England.
DOE, John, an honest man who was defrauded out of millions by
persons who forged his name.
DOODLE, Yankee, American horseman who made people take off
their hats, shout, and whistle when he rode into town.
DORCAS, a modiste who founded the church gossip societies.
DOWIE, alias Elijah II, a celebrated Chicago divine who showed
the world how easily some people were deprived of their money
and religion.
DRAKE, Francis, an English admiral who did not have a public
square named after him. D. also introduced the spud into
Ireland.
DREAMER, T. H. E., castle builder. Lived long ago, and
intended doing something to-day. Spent much time thinking about
the best girl in the world. A great friend of Procrastinator.
Went through life waiting for to-morrow. Several men, however,
with the same name, have awakened and given their dreams to the
world (see Columbus, etc., and Lady Macbeth).
DREW, John, prehistoric American actor.
DREYFUS, Captain, founder of the Dreyfus Case. Got out of jail
by being one of the few innocent men who got into print.
DUFF, Mac, a Scotchman who gained fame because he was a good
layer on.
DUMPTY, H., celebrated accident victim. Fell from a wall at an
early age and never recovered, despite the services of
specialists.
DUN, another man whose word of commendation will enable you to
open a charge account.
E
EASTMAN, George, inventor of the brownie camera and the most
expensive sport on earth. Ambition: The kodak fiend,
tourists. Address: Rochester and London. Clubs: Camera.
EDDY, Mrs., of Boston, Mass., U. S. A., a lady who made
millions by telling the world there was no such thing as the
toothache, sea-sickness, or hitting your thumb with a hammer.
EDISON, Thomas, an American who invented everything with the
exception of the sun dial, Pear's soap, and the Gillette razor.
EIFEL, a Frenchman who built the second tower of Babel, but who
was wise enough to stop before he got too high.
EIGHTH, Henry the, suitor, blue beard, and church builder. When
a young man he became a benedict, a condition in which he
remained until well along in years. As fast as a queen
appeared at the breakfast table with her hair down her back,
she was dispatched to the block. A couple of queens got ahead
of him. Was nearly as successful in obtaining divorces as
Napoleon, of France, and American millionaires. In his later
years he competed against the Pope in England. Ambition: A
harem. Recreation: Spooning. Dreams: Bad. Address:
Windsor.
ELGIN, Lord, the man who rolled the Elgin marbles from Greece
to the British Museum. Also had something to do with the
interior of watches.
ELIJAH, a prophet of old who was fond of ravens (not red).
Later he went somewhat out of his line, but succeeded as a
chariot driver.
ELIZABETH, Queen, called "Bess" by Raleigh and the rest of the
boys. E. reigned when people did things. She was wooed and
lost by an Armada (see Philip II). She finally walked over
Raleigh's coat, and later wiped her feet on him. E. had a
sister by the name of Mary, who was better looking, and less
fortunate. E. was queen when the pipe was introduced into
England. Other and less important events of her reign were:
Shakespeare, Spenser, and Virginia. Died an old maid. Heir:
She did not have any.
ELLIOT, George, a lady who wore a man's name and wrote books.
EMANUEL II, Victor, the original of the statues in every town
of Italy; a king with ambitions, who was wise enough to entrust
his affairs to a brainier man, and was thus made famous (see
Girabaldi).
EMERSON, Ralph Waldo, American writer who inspired his readers
to conquer the world. Several have failed. Also advised the
practical theory of hitching your wagon to the stars. Lived
before the time of the taxi.
EPICURUS, an ancient who believed that pain was unpleasant and
that pleasure was good. His descendants live in expensive
hotels and eat only in high-class restaurants. Many suffer
with the gout. A popular cat foot was named in his honor.
ESAU, an ancient who sold his birthright for a mess of
breakfast food.
ESTHER, Queen, a beautiful lady who triumphed over the villain
of the book, married the hero, and lived happily ever
afterward.
EUCLID, an old Greek who made poor students read his book as
far back as 300 B. C. He discovered the phenomenon that the
shortest distance between two points is a crow's flight, and
that two parallel lines always compete.
EVE, see Mrs. Adam.
EYRE, Jane, an old maid school teacher, who married a rich
husband after the fashion of books.
F
FAGAN, the Hebrew benefactor of Oliver Twist, whose name did
not fit his religion.
FAHRENHEIT, inventor of an instrument which enables a person to
ascertain whether the weather is warm or cold.
FAILURE, T. H. E., a failure. Supposed to have idled away his
younger days. Believed to have dissipated. Said not to have
applied himself to school or business. Found fault with life
and everybody, but was never wrong himself. Unpopular. A
great blamer. A lover of revolvers, rivers, and the poor house.
Frequently seen in the under world. Ambition: The other
fellow. Recreation: Too much. Address: All large cities.
Clubs: None. Epitaph: Here Lies A Man Who Never Really
Tried.
FALLIERES, Armand, occupied a prominent position in the French
government for seven years. One of the most distinguished of
the vast collection of ex-presidents now scattered over the
world.
FALSTAFF, a celebrated drunk.
FASHION, Dame, heart breaker, bank account ruiner, and patron
saint of French shop-keepers. She went about the large stores
changing the cut of ladies' clothes and the shape of their
hats. Created some awful looking things. F. made the poor men
work very hard to keep up to her. Publications: Editor of all
Ladies' Magazines. Address: Paris, London, and New York City.
Epitaph: (Would that she had one.)
FAUST, chemist, traveler. A gay old man who fell in love
during his second young manhood, traveled in a warm country,
and sang his way to fame.
FAWES, Guy, a man who attempted to make an impression in
Parliament without introducing home rule or suffrage bills.
FINN, Huc, a bosom friend of Thomas Sawyer (see Tom).
FITZIMMONS, Robert, an obsolete fighter who wishes he could rub
the black spot from the ring.
FLETCHER, the inventor of chewing.
FLORADORA, an American chorus girl, who was some popular with
the men. She appeared in all large cities with the best looking
chorus that ever wore tights. F. created such a sensation that
every living actress of note is willing to be classified as a
former member of her company. Had a miserable cigar named after
her. Ambition: Revival. Grave: New York City. Epitaph:
There Were Not Many Like Flora.
FOGG, P., The man Jules Verne sent around the world in sixty
days for a big sale.
FOOL, A., a spendthrift lover. Fell in love with an
unintelligent woman and one who never could understand.
Followed his natural bents, even as you and I. Wasted several
years. Wept profusely. End unknown. Recreation: Vampires.
Epitaph: He Was Not The Only One.
FRANKLIN, Benjamin, one of the few Americans endowed with
brains. He discovered that lightning was composed of
electricity, that politics paid better than printing, and that
the French Court was more lively than the Continental Congress.
FRERES, Pathe, patron of the motion picture fanatics.
FRIEND, A., the scarcest thing on earth. A rare visitor, but
he came around a few times in a lifetime. F. was glad to know
of your success, pitied you in your failures, and shook you by
the hand when you were down and out. Never borrowed money, but
he frequently lent it. Was a wise counsellor. Very popular.
His name was frequently given the baby (see Mischief).
Ambition: The other fellow's welfare. Recreation: At the
other fellow's house. Address: The other fellow's house or
his own. Clubs: All.
FRITCHIE, Barbara, a Southern target. Sprang into poetry as
the only woman in the history of mankind who admitted her old
age.
FULTON, Robert, inventor. Another brainy American who made a
fortune for the Cunard and White Star lines.
G
GABRIEL, A., trumpeter. Entered history at an early date as
the agent for the Garden of Eden. Compelled the Adam family to
move. Historians claim he will again be in Who's Who when St.
Peter (see him) makes the inventory. Ambition: Larger lungs.
Recreation: Aviation.
GAINSBOROUGH, T. R. A., a versatile English hat and portrait
manufacturer.
GALILEO, inventor, star gazer. Proved himself an imbecile by
declaring the world revolved when everybody knew it was
stationary. Manufactured the first spy-glass, an instrument
which has since been used in theatres and for various other
purposes. Also discovered that clocks were equipped with
pendulums.
GANGSTER, T. H. E., a politician known as a "progressive" when
out of office.
GARDEN,[3] Mary, a clever actress who succeeded on the opera
stage. Legend has it that Mary possessed a fine voice as a
child. This was expensively cultivated in Europe, was later
exposed before English and American congregations, and her
Sapho-Salome-Thais-Carmen costumes packed the houses.
Ambition: Less wealth and more throat. She also wants a
husband with a soul. Recreation: Being presented with opera
houses and suppers. Residence: Principally Atlantic liners.
[3] Ed. Note: This is not an advertisement.
GARIBALDI, G., the George Washington of Italy without the tea
party. He espoused the cause of Victor Emmanuel (see Victor),
and successfully Bismarcked the Italian States. Slept in every
town in his country, ran second to V. E. in the number of
statues erected to his appearance, and for three years held the
championship for eating spaghetti.
GARRICK, an old English matinee idol.
GATLING, R. J., he was considered a big gun.
GAUL, Dying, a brave soldier who posed for his statue when
mortally wounded.
GEORGE I, King of England, 1660-1727. Permitted the whigs in
general, and one Walpole in particular, to run England.
GEORGE II, King of England, 1683-1760. Held a few wars.
GEORGE III, King of England, 1736-1820. Lived during the reign
of William Pitt, and believed in taxing tea.
GEORGE IV, husband of Queen Mary (see front pages of our
contemporary Who's Who).
GEORGE-LLOYD, Dave, a well-known cigar, English politician.
Entered politics via a newspaper, clever speeches, and votes.
Was a modest member of the House of Commons, seldom speaking
more than four times on any bill. Kept climbing until he
became under secretary of something, order keeper of the Board
of Trade, and finally occupied a prominent position in the
Exchequer. Assisted the Primer to grasp the Irish home rule
millstone, and hung on without a gurgle. Ambition: A
dynamite-proof house, a tax on air. Recreation: (see
Asquith). Address: Front row House of Commons. Clubs:
Anti-conservative.
GIBSON, Charles Dana, American artist who pleased the old
inhabitants before the market was so wet.
GILLETTE, manufacturer of a well-known Christmas present which
cuts barbers out of their tips, and is deucedly annoying to
clean.
GIRL, The Chorus, Um!
GLADIATOR, Dying, another brave artists' model.
GLADSTONE, W. E., a grand old man who twice premiered England,
chopped trees, and failed to make accurate measurements with
the Irish home rule.
GLYNN, E., an old maid authoress who knew things. Wrote a book
which everybody tells the rector they have not read, and then
re-reads it when the doors are locked. In the United States a
law has been passed compelling booksellers to include a bottle
of disinfectant whenever a G. book is sold. Ambition: A
publisher who is not afraid of the police. Recreation:
Reading her own books. Address: Probably Paris. Clubs:
Always blackballed.
GOAT, T. H. E., the one who purchased this book.
GODIVA, Lady, horsewoman whose costume rivalled many exhibited
at the Paris horseshow. Many said her habit was out of sight.
GOETHE, a Dutchman who succeeded in making a few German words
rhyme.
GOLIATH, ancient heavyweight champion, who was knocked out in
one round by a lightweight. Defeat attributed to
overconfidence. Friends said nothing like that had ever entered
his head.
GOODWIN, Nathaniel, an American who was opposed to Mormonism,
but who adopted it on a progressive and newspaper scale.
GOOSE, Mother, a fine old lady who was loved by all, but who
told some awful untruths to the innocent.
GORDON, I. L., editor of Who Was Who. Probably the greatest
writer who ever lived. Spent early childhood in infancy. At
the age of fourteen began shaving and wearing long trousers. At
twenty-one G. was considered of age. Began writing while a
child. Penmanship so poor he took to the typewriter. Wrote Who
Was Who with hope someone would purchase it. Some one did.
Ambition: (He considers this personal and will not be quoted.)
Recreation: Looking for publishers. Address: Paris when
financially able. Other times in one of those confounded
newspaper offices.
GORKY, M., a resident of Russia who became unpopular with the
government and moved. He endeavored to make a lecture tour of
the United States accompanied by another man's wife. Learned
that this was not the usual custom in America. His managers
and hotel proprietors requested him to continue his travels.
Ambition: A czarless Russia; less fussy people. Publications:
Much unpatriotic literature.
GRAY, the man who wrote a clever cemetery poem, the first line
of which is remembered by everybody.
GREAT, Peter the, shipbuilder, and the only ruler of Russia who
never was bombarded. Was also unique in the fact that he
worked. Historians claim this was due to his poor salary.
GROAT, John, proprietor of a celebrated house located some
distance from Land's End.
GUILLOTIN, Doctor, a French inventor of a popular method of
decapitation, who had such confidence in his invention that he
was the first to give it a practical demonstration.
GULLIVER, a Munchausen-Doctor Cook-Peary traveler who never
submitted his proofs, but who found a credulous publisher and a
gullible public. Never lectured.
H
HAFID, Mulai, a sultan of Morocco, who succeeded in abdicating
before he was abdicated.
HAGAR, Miss, Abraham's wife's maid who nearly broke up a happy
family.
HAHNEMANN, Doctor, of Leipsig, discovered the sugar pill and
called it homeopathy.
HAM, second officer and engineer of the Ark.
HAMED, Abdul, a retired professor of diplomacy, champion
promiser, and a sick man. When a youth he began instructing
the monarchs of Europe in the use of a government. One of his
favorite pastimes was reading ultimatums. Fearless until a
warship entered the harbor, and even then usually got rid of it
with promises. Employed massacres to break the monotony of
reigning. Acquired as fine a harem as ever sat on silk
cushions. Some of H.'s younger subjects though he should be
ostlerized (see Dr. Ostler). They gave him his harem and
salary, and locked him up in a palace. Then the wise ones lost
Tripoli and about everything but sleeping room in Europe.
Motto: I told you so. Ambition: To be back on the job.
Recreations: Private entertainments. Address: Harem.
Epitaph: Everybody Worked But Father.
HAMLET, a Dane who had difficulty with an auxiliary verb. Also
founded the foolish questions.
HAMMERSTEIN, Oscar, an opera broker who inflicted himself, high
prices, and buildings upon certain communities.
HANDEL, placed "Handel's Largo" on the music stands. Also wrote
a few other airs.
HARRY. (See Thomas and Richard.)
HARVARD, John, an Englishman who founded a great American
university near the cultured town of Boston, Mass., U. S. A.,
where football players and the sons of American millionaires
eke out an education.
HARVEY, Doctor W., a physician who learned in 1619 that his
patients had blood which circulated. The discovery has since
been of some profit to his successors.
HEINZ, of Pittsburg, Pa. A man who never tried to conceal his
name. Sold American baked beans, catsup, and fifty-five other
varieties to the world.
HELENA, Saint, Constantine's mother. She built a few churches
(also see Napoleon).
HEMANS, Mrs., poetess who gave to the world that rich, soulful,
and exquisite poesy, "The Boy Stood on the Burning Deck." It
is said the poem has been parodized.
HENRY, Pat., an Irish-American politician who demanded liberty
or death. From all that can be ascertained he secured the
latter.
HERCULES, the Sandow of the ancients, promoter of the Olympic
games and laborer. H. claimed to have done some things which
are even questioned by the partisans of Doctor Cook. Killed
about everybody, erected two pillars, stole some apples, and,
in short, did everything but enter politics or invent a
breakfast food. Ambition: The thirteenth labor. Recreation:
Muscle development, travel. Address: The Pillars. Clubs:
Athletic. Epitaph: Now Is A Mighty Man Fallen.
HIAWATHA, American Indian who permitted his wife to starve to
death simply for the want of proper nourishment. Many claim a
great American poet used bad taste in writing the biography of
such a man.
HICHENS,[4] Robert, planter of the Garden of Allah.
Experimented with belle donna. H. is still in Who's Who, and
multitudes of readers hope he will remain there for some time
to come. Ambition: Sales. Recreation: Filling his fountain
pen or cleaning typewriter. Address: Care of the Publisher.
Home: Sicily.
[4] Ed. Note: The editor hopes to meet Mr. Hichens some day,
and is compelled to make the biography flattering.
HILL, Samuel, a man who did things in a hurry. Also a
celebrated rain storm.
HOBSON, American-Spanish War hero who lowered his ideals and
went to Congress. Later he became a temperance lecturer. Was
heard by great crowds. Produced statistics to show how few
saloons failed after a lecture.
HOLMES, Sherlock, detective. When a child he devoured
inexpensive literature and theatres. This fired his mind to
eliminate Scotland Yard as a crime-detecting agency. Entered
the profession of a detective, but was unknown until Doctor
Watson pulled him into print. His fortune was then made. All
the society scandals were placed in his hands, and if he only
told what he knew about society--! H. solved the most
complicated mysteries with a stroke of his hypodermic needle,
and was only baffled in locating the murderer of Cock Robin.
His name struck terror into the hearts of criminals and
competing publishers. After all the criminals in England had
been jailed or hung he was killed by an author, but the great
H. solved the mystery of the grave and came back to life in
time to see his murderer knighted. Now at work on the
suffragette case. Ambition: Another Dr. Watson. Recreation:
Fond of Doyle's works and the violin. Address: 31 Baker
Street. Clubs: London Prison Society. Epitaph: Au Revoir,
But.
HOMER, travel writer, mythology expert, and journalist. Began
career as a reporter on the Athens "Times." Was discharged for
incompetence, and took up honest writing. Found a publisher
who thought his writings would sell to posterity. Later H.
took charge of the Ulysses Tours. Was war correspondent for
the Greek associated press at the siege of Troy. Ambition:
Fewer classics and more money. Publication: See libraries and
school rooms. Address: Care Athens. Clubs: Literary, Fourth
Estate.
HOOD, Red Riding, a brave little girl who escaped alive from a
wolf which had previously partaken of a relative.
HOOD, Robin, a fine robber of merry England who took from the
rich and gave to the poor, and made crackerjack material for
stories.
HOOD, Sarsaparilla, the manufacturer of another remedy for
Harvey's discovery.
HOPE, the most beautiful woman who ever lived. She was a near
relation of Ambition. Discovered the words "wish" and "if" and
gave her name to the world. She was the first woman to
manufacture ideals, and has been made the patron saint of the
suffragettes (see Suffragette). H. went about making life
worth while. She was loved by all those millions of lovers and
all those millions of men and women who endeavored to do
things. Ambition: The discouraged. Recreation: Success.
Address: Perhaps she has resided in your home.
HORACE, Quintus Horatius Flaccus, a rhymester of Greece who
sang and drank of the Falernian wine.
HORATIUS, Roman bridge tender who saved the city, and swam the
Tiber without getting stuck in the mud.
HOUR, The Man of the, most popular and versatile man who ever
lived. Attracted tremendous attention. Newspapers printed his
picture and ran long articles about his life, family,
eccentricities, etc. Won fame in war, science, pulpit,
aviation, stage, art, music, politics, literature, finance, by
saving a life and in exploring. His accomplishments were
infinite. H. was lionized by royalty, society, and beautiful
women. Made addresses, gave interviews, received honors. He
was the man everyone wanted to shake by the hand so they could
tell other people they had done it. Ambition: Another hour.
Recreation: Basking. Address: All countries. Clubs: All
open.
HUERTA, Victoriano, a Mexican who made it necessary to employ
extra telegraphers and throat lotions at the White House. He
also was responsible for the phrase, "The Mexican Situation."
HUR, Benjamin, chariot racer, actor. Appeared in all large
cities, showed his noble figure, raced his horses, downed the
villain, packed up, and moved to the next town.
HURST, William Randolph, father of the American unwhitened
newspapers. Democrat. Started life in a humble manner, only
controlling a few newspapers. He soon purchased others. His
magical touch changed their color. Employed the greatest staff
of imaginary geniuses ever gathered together. These men had the
ability to write unhampered by mere details or facts. H. also
employed many good lawyers and used them frequently. Fortified
by his constituents, to wit: the aforesaid geniuses and
newspapers, H. entered politics as a candidate for anything.
Was always Bryaned and Roosevelted. Ambition: Same as Bryan.
Recreation: Reading yellow journals. Address: All large
American cities. Epitaph: The Vote Is Mightier Than The Pen.
HYDE, Mr. (See Dr. Jekyll.)
I
IBYCUS, a Grecian poet who improved poetry by permitting words
to rhyme at the ends of the lines.
ICARUS, father of aviation. Record holder for the first
tumble. Selected water as the spot for his fall, and was not
picked up with the debris. Ambition: A Wright machine.
Recreation: Tuning up. Address: Greece. Clubs: Aero.
IEKATERINOGRADSK, of Russia. Little is known of his life
except that he built a celebrated fort to protect the poor
Cossacks from the molestations of the populace. Was probably
blown up or died in prison.
INGERSOLL, first man to bring the price of turnips to within
the reach of authors and artists. Historians claim he would
have made another fortune had he lived when the sun-dial trust
had its own way.
INGERSOLL, Robt. G., one of those contented souls who did not
believe in anything, and made a fortune by telling people what
he believed.
INNOCENT, thirteen popes. Address: Rome.
IRVING, Washington, a pleasing American writer who visited
Westminster Abbey, made Rip Van Winkle wake up, and wrote a few
biographies.
ISAAC (last name unknown), s. Abraham and Sarah.[5] Spent his
childhood like all little Isaacs and later married Rebecca,
claimed by historians to have been a Jewess. Had two famous
sons, Esau and Jake (see both, but especially the latter). Died
at the tender age of 180 years.
[5] Ed. Note: The editor apologizes for a seeming familiarity
He did his best to ascertain the lady's last name, but failed.
ISABELLA, a Spanish queen who vowed she would not change her
clothes until the Moors were driven from the country. Her
husband, the king, raised an army and accomplished the feat.
I.'s name is sometimes connected with the discovery of America.
This, however, is an error, as Columbus took a more active
part.
ISAIAH, a prophet who wore second-hand clothing.
ISHMAEL, son of Abraham, whose appearance complicated his
father's estate. Traveled extensively in the desert with his
mother.
J
JACK, the man who kept company with Jill. Occupation: Water
carrier. Killed while at work. Ambition: An artesian well in
the valley. (See Jill.)
JACOB, birthright speculator, traveler, s. Isaac, and brother
of Esau. Was mother's pet. Became proficient as a character
impersonator, but never went on the stage. Left home suddenly.
Slept on a stone and had hard dreams. Later married, and was
responsible for Joseph and his brethren. (See Joe.)
JAEGER, Doctor Gustav, claimed his underwear kept him warm.
JAMES, Jesse, an American westerner who murdered, stole, and
appeared in paper novels for the benefit of the messenger boy,
the author, and the publisher.
JAMES, King, a Scotchman who was considered good enough to be
elected king of England.
JANOS, H., manufacturer of a popular beverage.
JAPHETH, third officer of the Ark.
JEFFERSON, Joe, a fine old memory.
JEFFREYS, James J., formerly a prize fighter, who carried his
gloves and bluff once too often to the ring. (See Johnson.)
JEKYLL, Doctor, a physician who took a dose of his own
medicine.
JEW, Wandering, an ancient Hebrew who has been going over the
face of the earth for centuries, only stopping at the call of
such men as Eugene Sue and Lew Wallace.
JILL, Jack's girl. She was assisting her fiance when the
accident occurred.
JOB, prehistoric millionaire who had his ups and downs. Like
all rich men, he had a good young manhood, saved his money, and
entered the market. Formed the camel trust and cornered the
real estate market. The market tumbled and so did J. Family
troubles also distressed him. His camels died of the colic or
were stolen. J. went broke. Even in hard luck he patronized
the temple, and believed while there was money it could be had.
Started in business again with a small capital, remarried, and
ended his days ahead of the game. Ambition: A chance at the
New York Stock market; death to his comforters. Recreation:
Sackcloth and ashes.
JOHNSON, John, called "Jack," one-time black champion
prize-fighter of the world, who learned that too much chicken,
automobile, and champagne made even a colored gentleman a
"waser."
JOHNSON, Samuel, no relation of the above. Employed the
greatest press agent the world has ever seen, and was thus made
famous. Also wrote.
JONAH, traveler, whaler, and lucky dog. Became renowned for
taking a rough trip to sea. Was thrown overboard because he
was the jonah. Swam until he was tired, and finally made a
morsel for a fish. Tradition has it that J. was tough and
indigestible. He remained three days and three nights in the
interior of the whale, causing the animal considerable
annoyance when he exercised. Was later mal de mared, swam
ashore, and thanked his lucky stars for his indigestibility and
the illness of his rescuer. His story was published. Still
causes some comment. Tradition also says that J. never could
look a fish in the face after the harrowing incident.
Ambition: Dry land. Recreation: Mountain climbing. Address:
Sodom. Clubs: Alpine.
JONATHAN, a man who loved King David more than a successor.
JONES, John, made a fortune for Europe by inventing the picture
post-card.
JONES, John Paul, an American admiral who scared England, and
was only prevented from capturing London by the unimportance of
the place.
JOSEPH, a Hebrew-Egyptian politician. Born in Judea. When a
young man he became his father's favorite, while his brethren
had to do the heavy work. Wore a loud coat. This aroused the
ire of his brethren, resulting in Joe being sold as a slave,
and in the coat being sent to the cleaners. J. journeyed to
Egypt, where he refused to elope with the Pharaohess. Her
husband, the Pharaoh, out of gratitude, put J. in prison, and
afterward made him the royal butler. Years passed. A famine
occurred in Judea. Joe's brethren came down to Egypt to lay in
provisions. There they were confronted by the coatless Joe,
who thanked them for the good luck they had thrust upon him.
JOSEPHINE, only one of that great multitude of women who
carried a heart which was broken by the ambitions of a man.
JUDAS, suicide.
JUDY, Mrs. Punch, but usually unconventionally called by her
first name. She suffered considerable annoyance at the hands of
her husband, although she frequently hen-pecked him. Went on
the puppet stage for a few hundred years, displaying her
domestic infelicity.
JULIET, a celebrated sweetheart who permitted her lover to make
love on a balcony. Her history was written by one Shakespeare,
and had a splendid sale. (See Romeo.)
JUPITER, boss of the ancient gods, father of most of them, and
a regular Frenchman. Ambition: To run everything. Recreation:
Killing giants, disguising himself as a swan, etc. Address:
Olympia.
JUSTICE, only a mythological character whose statue has been
frequently erected. She had eye trouble. In the United States
J. carried scales with a small statue of politics in one pan,
and money in the other. Her statues in other countries are said
to be different, although occasionally the little statues are
found in the pans.
K
KAISER, T. H. E., alias Emperor William, "Bill" to his friends;
a German of some prominence, who caused heartfailure in Europe,
considerable comment in England, and much applause in his own
country. Was also a naval constructor. Born of royal parents.
Inherited his father's position. At a tender age he formed a
passion for an army. Like all royal children, he had his own
way. His plaything has grown steadily, is in fine condition,
but is only used for parading and scaring purposes. His later
years were spent in making additions to the fleet, but for what
purpose even the wisest sages could not guess. K. was also
honored by a visit from T. Roosevelt (see the Wonder) on his
exhibition through Europe. It is said he could not learn
anything from his adviser. Heir: The crown prince. Ambition:
His army applied to the socialists. Recreation: Army.
Address: Army. Clubs: Army.
KEELEY, Doctor, water-wagon manufacturer. Claimed fame solely
on account of the invention which prevented men from going home
to a scolding without the assistance of lamp posts. Declared
his cure was as good as gold. Was strongly opposed by John
Barleycorn and his friends. Never cared for New York, London,
or Paris. K.'s end never has been made public. Historians are
endeavoring to ascertain whether he practiced what he preached.
Ambition: Large breweries. Recreation: Getting away from
business. Address: All large cities. Clubs: W. C. T. U.
KHAYYAM, Omar, a fine old Persian who wrote a beautiful and
heartfelt commentary on headache producers. Ambition: More
grapes. Recreation: A flask, books, and a Persian "thou."
Epitaph: He Certainly Practised What He Preached.
KIDD, Captain, the man who spent his life burying the treasure
which several people have been sure they could locate. Was said
to have been one of the finest men who ever scuttled a ship.
KILLER, Jack The Giant, a man who combined his name and
accomplishments.
KIPLING, Rudyard, an English writer who has not been knighted.
KNOX, John, of Edinburgh. He was the man who introduced the
kirk into Scotland, but failed to launch the collection plate.
KRUGER, Oom Paul, an Old Dutch cleanser who certainly made
England scrub up.
KUBELIK, Jan, the only violinist who never gave a farewell
concert.
L
LACHAISE, Pere, confessor of Louis XIV for thirty-four years.
He was such an attentive listener and heard so much that the
leading cemetery in Paris was named in his honor.
LAMB, Charles, one of those immortals who forgot his life of
tears to place smiles on paper.
LANGTRY, Mrs., the Sarah Bernhardt of England less considerable
talent. Ambition: Those old time lovers.
LAOCOON, a Trojan priest who suffered with delirium tremens.
Together with his sons he posed for his statue while encumbered
with a bad attack. Address: Vatican, Rome.
LAURIE, Annie, of Maxwelton. The only woman in history who had
a brow like a snowdrift. Also the only good-looking lassie in
Scotland to whom Burns did not write a few poems. L. was
engaged to be married; no record of the ceremony can be found.
LAW, Andres Bonar, a Scotchman who gave up the iron business to
become a mere member of Parliament. Is said to have spoken on
Irish questions. Ambition: (?). Recreation: Travel, except
in the south of Ireland. Address: Parliament. This will
probably hold good for several editions of Who Was Who. Clubs:
Conservative, of course.
LAW,[6] Mother-in-, no relation of the above. A much-abused
ancient whose life and story has been written by malicious
biographers. In reality L. was a kind soul who invited us to
dinner, permitted the gas to be turned down, and always knocked
before she came into the room. Later she wiped the dishes,
took care of her grandchild (see Baby), helped pay the bills,
and told the neighbors what a fine son-in-law she had.
Ambition: Daughter. Recreation: Our house. Address: Our
house most of the time. Clubs: Suffrage.
[6] Ed. Note: The editor will not be held responsible for the
accuracy of the above.
LAWSON, Thomas W., just a squeeler.
LEDA, see mythology books, paintings, and statuary. Also
Jupiter, Castor, and Pollux.
LEE and PERKINS, discoverers of Worcestershire sauce and royal
saucerers to the king.
LEHAR, Frank, the man who assisted the Merry Widow to make her
debut. Also was the press agent for Mr. Maxim, of Paris.
Ambition: To find another widow.
LEONORE, became famous because she had a lover who left her
with a good song.
LEOPOLD, King, of the Congo and Belgium. Has not been dead
long enough for historians to make him famous. Ambition:
Song, women, and wine. Recreation: Wine, women, and song.
Address: Several in Brussels. Epitaph: Quantum Mutatus Ab
Illo.
LIBERTY, a huge lady who guards New York harbor, and welcomes
Italy and Poland to the United States.
LIMBURGER, of Germany. Manufacturer of a self-advertising
cheese.
LIPTON, Sir Thomas, a knighted Irishman who advertised tea with
Shamrocks, and one of the men of his race who did not enter
politics or the police force. Ambition: That cup.
LISZT, Frank, a piano player who wore long hair, wrote music,
and played the piano.
LLOYD, the man who will insure anything except the prospects
for the sale of this book.
LORELEI, said to be a beautiful German lady who always hides
herself when the tourist goes down the Rhine.
LOT, Mrs. Lot's husband.
LOT, Mrs., the only woman who had an inquisitiveness which
became practical. She also was considered one of the salt of
the earth.
LOUIS I, 778-840, called the Debonnaire. Introduced cafe's
into France. Put the "is" in Paris.
LOUIS II, 846-879. Introduced chorus girls into France. Patron
of cafe's.
LOUIS III, 882-936. Introduced champagne into France.
Continued the works of his predecessors.
LOUIS IV, 936-954. Introduced high heels. Continued the work
of his predecessors.
LOUIS V, 966-987. Introduced absinthe.
LOUIS VI, 1106-1137. Enlarged the works of his ancestors.
Started pre-tango dancing.
LOUIS VII, 1137-1180. Fought Germany. Inaugurated the French
menu.
LOUIS VIII, 1187-1196. Introduced the words "a la" and
dressmakers into Paris.
LOUIS IX, called the saint, 1215-1263. Was a good Louis.
Fought the Turks and was taken prisoner. His subjects thought
7,000,000 francs worth of him. Was awarded his halo for work
in the Crusades. Not a patron of his ancestors. Very
unpopular in Paris.
LOUIS X, 1289-1316. Reopened cafe's. Introduced the taxicab.
Very popular.
LOUIS XI, 1423-1483. Fought England, and died too soon to hear
of the discovery of the United States.
LOUIS XII, 1462-1515. Was king when the United States were
discovered.
LOUIS XIII, 1601-1643. Permitted Cardinal Richelieu to king for
him. Was a patron of cafe's, champagne, and Paris in general.
LOUIS XIV, called the Grand, 1638-1715. Furniture builder,
salon decorator, wig maker, and constructor. Also assisted
Paris in acquiring her reputation. Built Versailles, the
Louvre, and Napoleon's tomb. He was the man who captured
Alsace-Lorraine from Germany. (See Napoleon III.) Motto: I am
the state. Ambition: Strauss waltzes at Versailles.
Recreation: Dancing and attending to affairs of state.
Address: Versailles.
LOUIS XV, 1710-1774, called a Bird. He lived during the reigns
of Queens Pompadour and Du-Barry.
LOUIS XVI, 1754-1793. A Louis who continued the traditions of
his ancestors, but--. Married Marie Antoinette. Introduced the
turkey trot and the salome dance at Versailles. While his
subjects were starving he ate pate de foies gras. They objected
and carried his White Wigginess to Paris, where he ended his
reign. Ambition: To have been any one of his ancestors, even
No. 9. Recreation: Short walks in the jail yard. Address:
Not permitted to receive letters. Epitaph: Easy Falls The Head
Which Wore A Crown.
LOUIS XVII, 1785-1795. The only Louis who did not live long
enough to have the good times of his ancestors, and the only
Louis for whom the world has a word of sympathy.
LOUIS XVIII, 1775-1824, called the Last. He was the Louis who
got back on the job after the dizziness of the Revolution and
Napoleon had subsided.
LOVER, T. H. E., conqueror of worlds, architect of castles,
lunatic, and saint. Spent early days only in living. In young
manhood he met Her. From that moment all other hers he had
known became lemons. L. was an expert prevaricator. Polished
shoes, dressed neatly, shaved every day, and never ate onions.
Spent evenings at Her house. Detested gas or electric lights.
Was fond of the fireplace and hands. Quarreled occasionally.
Spent salary for theatre tickets, candy, and flowers. Walked
on air. Had a terrible time keeping away from his friends who
wanted him to have a good time. One night Her looked
wonderfully beautiful. L. said some things. He could not keep
quiet. Her blushed, permitted him to sit closer, and then told
L. he was the dearest, sweetest, finest, biggest, noblest,
bravest lovey in the wide, wide world. Later L. secured an
embarrassing interview and visited a jewelry store. Diet:
Poor. Ambition: A mother-in-law. Address: Her home. Clubs:
None. Epitaph: For Men May Come and Men May Go.
LUTHER, Martin, a German who started competition.
M
McGINTY, a celebrated Irish diver.
McGRAW, John J., Manager of the New York Baseball organization,
frequently used by the Philadelphia Athletics to gain the
world's championship.
MACBETH, Lady, a royal somnambulist.
MACKINTOSH, discoverer of a method of keeping dry outside on a
rainy day.
MAGELLAN, the man who got into straits and straights.
MAN, Sand, an old fellow who visits houses blessed with a
child. Only calls after supper. Tells the little one he has
played enough for the day, and sprinkles some sand in his eyes.
When M. departs the little bundle is asleep in the nursery or
all cuddled up in Mother's lap. Ambition: Sand for the older
folks.
MANUEL, King, of England, and late of Portugal. Introduced
Parisian life into Lisbon. Was a very sweet and very wise
young man. Overlooked the fact that a king may rule a nation,
but frequently is a poor press agent. Became incensed at his
army and subjects. Moved in haste. Ambition: Lisbon and a
dancing queen. Recreation: Watch bill-boards. Address: Watch
bill-boards. Clubs: Down and Out. Epitaph: A Manuel And His
Kingdom Are Soon Parted.
MARAT, one of the fathers of the French Revolution, who could
rule a city, but not a woman.
MARCEL, Madame, of France. Discovered a good excuse for women
to gaze in mirrors. Also caused heartfailure on a rainy day.
MARCONI, Guglielmo, the man who made the inventors of telegraph
poles and wires look foolish. His inventions have made it
possible for New York stock brokers to continue their business
while journeying to Paris.
MARINER, A., traveler, albatross raiser. Gathered fame by
making a voyage with some dead ones. His feat has frequently
been duplicated on liners out of the regular tourist season.
MARK, Saint, of Venice. Guarded the pigeons of his square and
the tourist who dwelt within his canals.
MARTINI, manufacturer of an American before-dinner drink which
tastes too good.
MARY, a young girl who was presented with a famous lamb. Seldom
was seen without the animal. Conveyed it to school with her
one day, thus causing considerable mirth among the pupils. Was
severely reprimanded by the teacher, as it was against the
regulations of the institution to permit animals, other than
the children, in the class-rooms. M. returned the lamb to the
stable. Her biography has been extensively published.
MATERLINCK, a Belgian who believed the best way to get "copy"
about himself into the newspapers was to try to keep it out.
Recreation: Bluebird raising.
MAXIM, patron saint of the American-English tourist in Paris,
who introduced New York prices into a naughty cafe. When a
young man he discovered that the tourists were not paying
enough money to see the sights. With the assistance of some
handsomely gowned women he opened a cafe on the Rue Royal where
they could. For years it was patronized by his countrymen
until they were ruined. Later only royalty and tourists were
permitted to enter and form a mistaken idea of the real French
cafe, pay double prices for everything, see a few chorus girls,
hear champagne bottles, and talk to English-speaking waiters.
Ambition: Americans. Recreation: Staying at home. Press
Agent: The Merry Widow and the Girl from Maxims. Epitaph:
Honi Soit Qui Mal y Pense.
MAXIM, no relation of the above, as he only manufactured things
to kill people, and not to financially ruin them.
MEDICI, Katie, an Italian French woman whose past was uncovered
by those historians. Was fond of poison, but did not care for
Methodists or Presbyterians.
MEDUSA, a celebrated ancient who had the delirium tremens in an
acute stage.
MELLIN, he was the man who tried to cheat the baby out of the
bottle.
MENDELSSOHN, wrote a tune which is usually played when a man
goes to his fate.
MENNEN, the manufacturer of a baby and good complexion
perquisite. Nothing like it for your face after shaving. His
picture has been widely distributed, but never admired.
MERCURY, errand boy for the gods. Wore a pair of winged feet
and feathers in his hat. Was also an artist's model.
Ambition: A telegraph. Recreation: Same as the gods.
Address: General delivery.
METHUSELAH, an ancient who was not like one in a thousand.
MICHEL, Saint, he kicked the devil out of paradise, and was
instantly made the patron saint of France.
MIKE, Pat's partner (see Pat).
MILTON, John, wrote a Dante book, the title of which is known
by everybody and the contents by few.
MOET and CHANDON, two competitors of Mr. Mumm who did much to
bring the price of champagne to within the reach of
millionaires.
MOHAMMED, inventor of the harem, and the man who introduced
mormonism into Arabia. (See B. Young.) Also manufactured
crescents, religion, and made Mecca the mecca for everything.
Early life spent in business. This did not pay. He then
married a widow and retired. Took up religion as a hobby.
Became a professional. Found the sword was mightier than his
kin. His salvation army was successful. His prisoners were
given the alternative of a finely tempered, beauti-fully inlaid
damascus blade or Islam. They always became fervently
religious. Later M. embarked on a marrying campaign with equal
success. Publications: The Koran, a treatise on everything.
Ambition: The crescent on every flag. Recreation: Walking
toward mountains; stroking his beard. Address: 23 Blvd. Allah,
Mecca, Arabia. Epitaph: A Man's Works Take After Him.
MOLIERE, Jean B. P., a French author who wrote a few plays we
do not have to see alone.
MONROE, James, the founder of a doctrine, the practicability of
which nations desire to learn, and yet do not wish to make the
test.
MORSE, Samuel G., an inventor who might have used his talents
in other lines had Marconi lived before his time.
MOSES, whose whereabouts in the dark has puzzled all
generations. Born in the bullrushes of Egypt. Entered politics
as the son of Pharaoh's daughter and the leader of the Ghetto.
When M. waxed astute, after the manner of his people, he
discovered there were not sufficient shekels for himself and
countrymen in the land of Egypt. He pleaded and plagued the
king for permission to close the pawn shops and clothing
stores. Now in those days the children of Egypt were wont to
patronize the bazaars of the children of the Chosen, and
Pharaoh was wroth within himself and refused the passports. The
brave rabbi closed the kosher meat stores and took ship's
leave. Adopting an original compass, he made forced marches to
the Red Sea. Here the synagogue was overtaken by Pharaoh and
his army. M. spilled the sea on them and marched on. From this
time the journey to the Promised Land was slow. Whether this
was due to good business or sore feet history does not relate.
M. later climbed a mountain and received the ten commandments.
After breaking them he returned to camp. He died before the
journey was complete. Publications: Histories. Ambition: A
railroad from Cairo to Jerusalem. Recreation: Tennis and
camel racing. Also enjoyed tent life. Address: Care of Jewish
Legation.
MOSES, Holy, no relation of the above. He was the fellow who
came around when you hit your finger with the hammer.
MULLER, Maud, one of the few country girls who never went to
New York City.
MUMM,[7] the man who made the most expensive drink on earth.
The products of his cellars are frequently purchased by persons
who cannot afford them. They form one of the principal
ingredients of a good time (see Paris).
[7] Ed. Note: The editor is personally responsible for the
above stated facts.
MUNCHAUSEN, Baron, traveler, explorer. While many of his
books, lectures, and newspaper interviews have been questioned
by scientific men, he is held in high regard due to his failure
to claim the discovery of the north pole.
MUNYON, Doctor, an American herb doctor and optimist. Held the
theory that while there was life there was a chance to sell
some of his medicine.
MURPHY, Charles J. See What's Who of New York City.
N
NAPOLEON, a little Frenchman who wore a big hat, a little curl
on his forehead, and whose ambitions were larger than his good
luck. Started life by placing Corsica on the map. Like all
great men, he was the dunce at school. Later he used his
masters and prize-winning chums as first-row soldiers. Entered
the army. Never succeeded as a sentry. Frequently amused
himself by taking a couple of soldiers and capturing a city or
an army between meals. The politicians in Paris saw the young
man was not without talents. They gave him a few more soldiers.
Then he went after countries. Captured Egypt, but had trouble
with one Nelson of England. N. became unpopular with his
neighbors. They all attacked him. He attacked them all. That
settled it. He ate wars. After the powers were powerless N.
scampered about Europe adding countries to France. He devoured
Germany. Went after Russia, but they made it too hot and too
cold for him. Had more trouble with that man Nelson. Became
rich and divorced. Introduced Roosevelt publicity tactics into
France and carried a third term. Started things. Began
quarreling again. At last he was cooped up in Paris, and flew
the white flag. Visited Elba. Revisited France. Started
things again. Took some veterans to Belgium. There he was met
by another Englishman by the name of Wellington who introduced
him to Waterloo. For his kindness in leaving Europe England
presented N. with a whole island, a complementary guard, and
paid all his living expenses for six years. Later N. became
responsible for one of the sights of Paris. Always carried his
right hand in the front of his coat. Ambition: A French
Nelson, England, and progeny. Recreation: Walking along the
shore. Address: Fontainbleau, Europe, and At Sea. Epitaph:
I Desire That My Ashes Shall Rest On The Banks Of The Seine
Among The Few French People I Did Not Take To War.
NAPOLEON II. Absent.
NAPOLEON III. He was the man who did not devour Germany.
Ambition: Rough on rats for the Kaiser and Bismarck.
Recreation: Travel. Address: Paris when the Dutchmen would
permit him. Epitaph: Here Lies A Napoleon, But No Bonaparte.
NARCISSUS, a lover who forgot there were other girls, and pined
away into a flower and a tiresome song.
NATION, Carrie, a window-smashing American liquor suffragette
who believed the ridiculous doctrine that all men should be
sober all the time.
NEBUCHADNEZZAR, King, an old king whose name is blamed hard to
spell.
NEPTUNE, boss of the seas. Has charge of the Atlantic liners,
wireless, and the seasick. Ambition: A bridge from London to
New York. Recreation: Storms. Address: Atlantic. Clubs:
Yacht.
NERO (first name forgotten). A Roman emperor who thought
nothing burned like a good tarred Christian. Also made fire
departments a necessity in the Eternal City. Ambition: A good
show in the Colosseum. Recreation: Fiddling. Clubs: Chorus
Girls. Epitaph: For He Was A Jolly Good Fellow.
NERO, Mrs., Nero's wife, who had considerable trouble with her
husband.
NEWTON, Isaac, a man who was knighted for propounding the
theory that it is easier to wait under a tree for an apple to
fall than to climb after it.
NIC, Old, a friend of everybody, no matter who turns them down.
Will stick to you clear to the end. One of those good souls
who never fails to give encouragement and grasp you by the hand
when you want to do something you know you should not do. Was
driven from home when a young man. Set up competition and
succeeded wonderfully. Organized the largest community in
existence. This is steadily growing despite considerable
opposition. N. numbers among his friends most of the great
people who ever lived. He is counting on others. Caused much
worry to mothers and wives, but seldom troubled the men.
Publications: French literature; some fine books and pictures.
Occupation: Looking for idle hands. Ambition: You.
Recreation: Theatres, cabarets, music halls, cafe's,
champagne, Mone Carlo, etc. Fond of chorus girls. Address:
Paris. N. also travels extensively. Epitaph: Ad Infinitum.
NIMROD, the first grouse, pheasant, and deer hunter who
succeeded without the advantages of a gun, a game preserve, or
a license.
NOAH, ship-builder, animal tamer. A fine old ancestor who had
considerable to do in preserving the race for we posterity.
When a young man he shunned the ways of young men, and never
sat in the seat of the scornful. Studied shipbuilding on the
Clyde and designed the largest floating stable on record. Made
quite a reputation as an animal collector. Took to the sea
when well advanced in years. N. was the first man to descend
Mt. Ararat without first making the ascension. Publications:
The Log of the Ark. Ambition: No more floods, or a larger
crew. Recreation: Bridge. Address: Care of the Editor.
Clubs: Yacht. Epitaph: De Profundis.
NOBLE, A., of Norway, the inventor of the black hand and labor
union weapon. His invention also made possible the premature
discharge of dynamite and the awarding of the Noble prizes.
O
O'CONNELL, Dan, said to have been an Irishman. Probably born
in Dublin, raised in Dublin. Raised cain in Dublin. Repealed
in Dublin. Dublined in Dublin. Died in Dublin. Tradition
connects his name with the early stages of the home rule bill.
Ambition: Ireland south of Ulster. Recreation: Oratory.
Address: Dublin. Clubs: Dublin. Favorite Color: Green.
O'GRADY, Sweet Rosie, also of Ireland, long dead, but still
bragged about.
ORANGE, William of, also of Ireland. He was the man who made
it a crime to wear the color named after him on the seventeenth
of March. (See St. Patrick.)
ORPHEUS, lutist. When a young man he was given a lute.
Practised in obscurity, and later appeared before large
audiences. Made several successful concert tours. Married
Eurydice. Spent a happy honeymoon. The bride did not wear
shoes. She was bitten by a serpent. She died. O. descended
to the abode of Old Nic, and charmed him with some Grecian
ragtime. Nic promised to return the lady if O. would promise
to get out of the place without looking around to see what
other respectable people were there. O. started for the door.
He heard familiar voices and rubbered. That ended the
contract, and for all the editor has been able to ascertain
Eurydice is there to this day.
OSTLER, William, a doctor who was knighted for proposing that
all fossils should be ostlerized. Ambition: To murder the men
who got that story into print. Recreation: Medicine.
Address: Oxford. Epitaph: He Practised, But Not What He
Preached.
OTHELLO, of Venice. Born in Morocco. Went to Venice and fell
in love with one Desdemona, an Italian girl. They were
married. Mrs. Othello lost one of her favorite handkerchiefs
and was killed by her enraged husband. Shakespeare, of
England, a writer, heard of the incident and made some money
out of it.
P
PADEREWSKI, Ignace Jan, another farewell-concert giver, who
wore long red hair, a soulful expression, insured his fingers,
and broke pianos.
PALLAS, a Grecian goddess who was metamorphosed into a raven
perch by Poe.
PAN, monstrosity, musical instrument maker, friend of poets.
Born half a man and half a goat. Took after the latter.
Studied music under the old masters and outfluted Apollo. Was
also a sheep fancier. Fathered fife and drum corps. Ambition:
A pair of shoes or a goat's appetite. Recreation: Hunting and
falling in love. Address: Greece. Clubs: Musical.
PAN, Peter, a little fellow who was a delightful actress,
believed in fairies, and crowded houses in England and the
United States.
PANKHURST, Mrs., a celebrated English woman who terrorized a
government, starved herself, smashed windows, blew up things,
and made speeches for a living. Girlhood spent in developing
muscle, pluck, and theories. She appeared before the public and
declared that the liquor traffic would be terminated when women
voted. Spent years of her life wondering why the men would not
give them the privilege. Never cared for the ministry,
although she was a very good woman. Ambition: A woman king.
"Votes for Women" in the Union Jack. Recreation: Planning the
"next." Publications: From the Cradle to the Ballot. Windows
I have Smashed. Address: London. Care Scotland Yard.
PANKHURST, Sylvia, a little Pankhurst who helps mamma break
things.
PANZA, Sancho, Don Quixote's interlocutor and stable boss.
PARIS, son of the King of Tyre, who ran away with another man's
wife named Helen. A city in France has been named to do him
honor.
PARNELL, C. S., father of the downfall of English ministries
and Ulster. Born of Irish parents. First man to successfully
explode dynamite in Parliament without being executed.
Ambition: An Ulsterless Ireland, a Conservativeless England.
Address: Close to the English ministry. Epitaph: The Bills
Men Introduced Live After Them.
PARSIFAL, the longest-winded singer who ever stepped on an
opera stage.
PASTEUR, Doctor, discoverer. Experimented with mad dogs until
he came to the conclusion they should be shot or chained. A
subway station in Paris has been named after him.
PATRICK, Saint, a Scotchman who drove all the snakes out of
Ireland with the exception of those in bottles. Also
introduced the brogue and the shamrock into the Emerald Isle.
PAT, also of Ireland. At an early age he emigrated to the
United States. There he took up the hod-carrying business.
Went on the stage and set the world laughing. He also entered
politics, captured the American police force, and, together
with his brothers in Parliament, rules Great Britain and the
United States.
PATTI, Adelina, a singer who said au revoir but not good bye.
Epitaph: Cum Grano Salis.
PEAR,[8] the man who names most of the London busses, and keeps
the people of England clean for a penny a week. His business is
international with the exception of Glasgow and Italy.
[8] Ed. Note: This is not an advertisement. The editor does
not use soap.
PEARY, Captain Robert E., explorer who said he reached the
north pole and convinced a few people. Was also forced to
write a book and lecture. Publications: How Dr. Cook Almost
Got Ahead of Me. Ambition: That a certain man had not made
him get all the way there the last time. Grave: The Cook
incident.
PENN, William, a man whose picture appears on all Quaker Oats
boxes. An Englishman who left his country, bought Pennsylvania,
built the slow, old town of Philadelphia, and hung up the
American Liberty Bell.
PERICLES, of Athens. Political boss, philosopher, and general.
Secured his reputation through brains, a voice, and a
well-oiled political machine. Started the golden age of Greece
with a loud blast of the horn of plenty.
PETER, no relation to the following. He introduced the art of
chocolate making into Switzerland, and the art of eating it
into America. Ambition: More children and people with sweet
teeth.
PETER, Saint, a fine old bearded saint who is an excellent
bookkeeper, and a detester of roosters. A church in Rome has
taken his name. Ambition: A new key. Recreation: Oiling
hinges. Address: Golden gates.
PHARAOH, of Egypt. Benefactor of Moses and Joseph. Was also
the father of Pharaoh's daughter. Built a few pyramids,
cigarette factories, and made a handsome mummy.
PHILIP II, a king of Spain who, with an armada to press his
suit, endeavored to marry a queen of England. Both the suit
and the armada were left in the bay of Biscay, and the queen an
old maid. Ambition: To the Inquisition with all Englishmen.
Motto: Faint heart never won fair lady. Address: Spain.
PINAUD, Edward, discoverer of the only thing which would have
saved your hair.
PINKHAM, Lydia, of vegetable compound fame. Made a fortune out
of advertisements, little boxes of pills, and women who
believed what they read.
PIPER, Peter, famous picker of pickled peppers. Also held
accounts against many people. Caused considerable worry to his
creditors.
PITMAN, Isaac, discovered a method of making political speakers
more careful of what they said. His invention has secured
wealthy husbands for many a pretty and poor stenographer.
PLUTARCH, the only man who had more lives than a cat.
PLUTO, boss of the underworld until Old Nic got on the job.
Also the manufacturer of a morning beverage.
PLUVIUS, E., was the fellow who always made it rain when you
wanted to wear your new hat or go to a ball game.
POE, Ed. A., an American poet who specialized in ravens and
cold chills.
POINCAIRE, Raymond, a Frenchman who has a splendid opportunity
to get out of this book.
POLLUX, Leda's other twin. (See Mother and Brother.)
POLO, Marco, F. R. G. S., traveler, discoverer, and lecturer.
Began expeditions from Venice. Discovered China, Japan, and
the Orient. Returned to Venice and Doctor Cooked his neighbors.
He is supposed, however, to have visited the countries, as he
produced a pair of chop sticks, a Chinese laundry, and some
Japanese lanterns. These were accepted as proofs by the
University of Venice. Ambition: The north pole.
POMPADOUR, Madame, coiffeur, Queen of France. Said to have
been a peach. Was a great friend of Louis XV, and helped make
the dances at Versailles a success. Ambition: Plenty of hair.
Recreation: Versailles. Address: See Louis. Clubs: Anti.
POWELL-BADEN, Robert S., a warrior who retired from service and
invented soldiers to be shot when the next big war comes along.
PROCRASTINATOR, T. H. E., an extinct man who believed in the
doctrine of To-morrow. He was a thief, but was never
convicted. Ancient records state he invariably had an excuse
for present inactivity, but would promise results the following
day. Was a close friend of Failure. Put off everything except
Death, and even did his best to keep him away as long as
possible. Motto: No time like the future. Ambition: To
accomplish to-morrow what the other fellow is doing to-day.
Recreation: Always before business. Address: Nobody knows.
Clubs: Many.
PROGRESS, Pilgrim, an Englishman who made an extensive journey
encumbered with a large pack. He visited Paris, had some
hairbreadth escapes, was stuck in the mud, but finally returned
and became respectable like all other Englishmen.
PUCCINI, Giacomo, maker of tunes and curtain calls. A musician
who did not starve, and who gave the classical name "La
Faniculla del West" to the plain "girl of the golden west."
PULLMAN, an American who invented an expensive means of travel.
P. also is responsible for the vast fortunes acquired by
porters.
PUNCH, husband of Judy, and a great favorite with the children,
even if he did beat his old wife. Led a hen-pecked life.
Traveled in several European countries and spoke all the
best-selling languages. His name has been given to a serious
London publication.
PYTHAGORAS, a Greek who said some people would be pigs after
they were dead.
Q[9]
[9] Ed. Note: The editor apologizes for the few Q's who have
been famous.
QUIETUS, Fluvius, of Rome. Always put his name to everything
when he came around.
QUIXOTE, Don, famous knight-errant of Spain. Made some
desperate conquests for his lady-love, and was defeated by a
windmill. In all his defeats, however, he showed to the world
that a laugh cuts deeper than a sword, and that satire would
kill where a lance could not penetrate. The word quixotic is
used to his commemoration.
R[10]
[10] Ed. Note: The editor apologizes for the character of the
R's who have been famous.
RALEIGH, Walt., one of the men who was permitted to hold hands
with Queen Elizabeth. His other feats were the introduction of
the pipe into England and the plug into Ireland.
RAMESES II, an Egyptian king who went about building burial
mountains, statues to himself, and permitting cigarettes to be
named after him.
RAPHAEL, a decorator who took paint in its raw state and made
it worth money. Filled walls, principally in Italy, with some
expensive paintings, and, like Angelo, used the Vatican as his
studio. Ambition: Churches with larger walls. Recreation:
Painting, art, and canvas weaving. Address: All galleries.
RECAMIER, Madame, of Paris. Supplied the society column to the
newspapers. To be invited to her salon meant that you would
get plenty to eat, that you were somebody, that you would see
somebody, and that you would have to wear your Sunday clothes.
Her R. S. V. P.'s were always accepted. R. finally lost her
money, and with it her friends. Ambition: The man of the
hour. Epitaph: When She Had It She Spent It.
REMBRANDT, Dutch painter who specialized in portraits of old
ladies and Rembrandt. Also brought considerable fame down upon
himself by filling a museum in Amsterdam with tourist-drawing
paintings.
REMINGTON, the man who invented a typewriter at which many
pretty stenographers[11] sit.
[11] Ed. Note: Advertisement for the stenographers, not the
machine.
REVIEWER, The Book, he is the fellow who said a chef-d'oeuvre
like Who Was Who should be used for ballast.
RHODES, Cecil, a poor boy who saved his money and purchased
South Africa.
RHODES, Colossus of, a giant of antiquity who was not killed by
a stone. He rusted to death.
RICHELIEU, Cardinal, the man who held down the throne for Louis
XIII, and disagreed with the Duke of Buckingham.
RITZ, innkeeper who made hotels in which we all would like to
stop, but cannot. Ambition: Americans and English nobility.
Recreation: Visiting his hotels. Address: Ritz and Carlton.
Clubs: Does not need any.
ROBESPIERRE, a French politician who had the opportunity of
doing to his enemies what most politicians would like to do to
theirs. Was finally voted out and down.
ROBINSON, Jack, brother of Sam Hill. He claimed distinction
simply because some people were sufficiently clever to do
things before his name could be pronounced.
ROCKEFELLER, John D., an American who endeavored to drive his
camel through the eye of a needle by giving advice, building
churches and colleges, and squeezing competitors. Like all
millionaires, he was born penniless. R. worked hard, helped
the missions out of his $3 a week, married, and purchased some
oil fields. He struck oil. He made it in a trust. Then he
began purchasing colleges to keep young men out of business.
As his wealth increased his stomach and hair wore out. Could
make seven people dizzy thinking of his money. Spent the
latter portion of his life dodging subpoenae servers, and
doubling his fortune by the dissolution of his business.
Ambition: More churches, colleges, and less competition. Also
another Supreme Court decision. Recreation: Golf, the
coiffeurs, and telling young men of the futility of
competition. Address: Courts and church. Clubs: Y. M. C. A.,
when he can spare the time from his legal and congressional
investigations.
ROCKEFELLER, John D., Jr., the little Rockefeller who will have
the fun of spending it. He was a good boy, and told other
young men how fortunate they were in being born poor and all
about the fungus which grows on the root of all evil. Never
knew what a good time he could have with his Dad's coin in
Paris. Ambition: To be like father. Recreation: Sunday
school. Occupation: Forming new trusts and enlarging the old
ones. Clubs: Y. M. C.A.
RODIN, August, a Frenchman who did his utmost to fill European
and American galleries with statues at a price which would have
made Mike Angelo a billionaire.
ROJESVENSKY, Admiral, a great Russian admiral and sea fighter
who gloriously defeated the fishing squadron in the English
Channel. Later hit a snag in the Orient.
ROMEO, Juliet's best fellow, who learned that his road to true
love ended in a cemetery.
ROMULUS, Remus' twin. Collaborated with his brother in home
life and in building Rome.
ROOSEVELT, Theodore, nom de plume, T. R., Teddy, press agent,
The Outlook, "I," traveler, teddy bear manufacturer, lecturer,
interview giver, museum collector, "ME," Guildhall orator,
dee-lighted, "MYSELF," mooser, hunter, band-wagon driver,
band-wagon, Panama canal, rough rider, circus leader, circus,
down-with-rafter, and a former retired and retiring president
of the United States. When a young man he spent his father's
money by going to college, shooting lions, and raising a large
family. During the Spanish-American War he employed a troop of
rough riders, stormed San Juan Hill, and got into the
newspapers. Made up his mind he would stay there. R. became
governor of New York State with ambitions. Being a wealthy
man, and capable of contributing to the cause of the Republican
party, he was elected vice-president of the United States. A
hand other than his own made him president. Here his newspaper
career really began. R. first opened a three-ring circus in
the White House, wore a rough rider hat, and told the country
what a great president he was. The voters believed him, and
did not object to four years more. During this administration
R. successfully advertised himself, the family, started the
Panama Canal, and appointed one William Howard Taft (see Poor
Bill) his successor. R. then traveled through Africa with a
magnificent body guard of photographers and newspaper men.
After shooting a museum-full of specimens, he toured Europe and
told the king how to king and the emperors how to emp.
Returning to the United States he placed his hand in state
politics. Fingers were badly burned. When it came time to
elect another president, R. was tired of scene shifting and
yearned for the bouquets of the audience. He girded up his
loins with the robes of sanctity, placed an international
Harvester Trust halo over his head, and proclaimed himself a
second Moses who was destined to lead the children of America
out of the Land of the Frying Pan into that of the Fire. With
a mighty army of politicians, who also wanted to get back, R.
started his campaign with such a huge band he could not hear
any others. The fight was based on telling the voters how
easily they had been deceived four years earlier in what he had
told them concerning that "molycoddle Taft." R. was elected by
the greatest majority in history until the ballots were
hatched. Later he joined the ranks of William Jennings Bryan.
Publications: The "I" books. Ambition: To get back into Who's
Who and Washington. Address: The Outlook. Oyster Bay for
newspapermen. Clubs: Founder of the Ananias. Epitaph: Same
as Bryan's.
ROTHSCHILDS, the Morgan-Rockefellers of Europe without quite as
much money.
ROY, Robert, a very wicked Scotchman whom we all hope will
always escape the police.
RUBENS, P. P., an artist who realized styles frequently
changed, and therefore painted fat people without their
clothes.
RUSSE, Charlotte, a pleasant creature, but one who sometimes
caused pain after a visit.
RUSSIA, T. H. E., Czar of, an anti-bomb loving monarch with
modern subjects and a tenth-century brain. His childhood was
spent in a steel-lined cage, guarded by the army and the fleet.
He was crowned in a bomb-proof church by a thoroughly searched
clergyman, only the crown, the crowner, and the crowned being
present to witness the ceremony. Seldom goes about the
country, as he fears the heartfelt expressions of his subjects.
In 1908 he became mixed up with Japan. Is now economizing.
Ambition: Only life. Recreation: Dissolving Doumas. signing
death warrants. Address: Large packages are always opened by
the servants. Send letters care St. Petersburg police
department. Clubs: Army. Epitaph: It Is A Wonder He Did Not
Have This Long Ago.
S
SALOME, a celebrated dancer who could fill the largest opera
houses in the world with bald heads, opera glasses, and jealous
women. She is still in Who's Who, and probably will remain
there until arrested.
SAM, Uncle, a tall, lean, good-natured rich man who sets paces
and spends his money. Born July 4, 1776, S. Great Britain.
Godfathered by France. Was an impetuous baby. Education:
School of experience at Washington. S. was assisted in early
life by a number of men who took an interest in him. When
thirty-six years of age he chastised his mother, but later
became on excellent terms. Went in for land and colonization
business. Succeeded. At the age of eighty-four S. suffered
from a severe attack of internal indiscretion. Recuperated
slowly. Later entered the trust-raising business, and devoted
considerable time to politics. In 1897 he spanked a European
power, but had to take care of the children after the incident.
S. is either Republican or Democratic. Favors the former,
although once in awhile he desires change. Wore a goatee, long
hair, high hat, a suit made out of the flag, smoked cigarettes,
had bad manners, and used much slang. Publications: Bank
notes. Ambition: Another Republican president. Address:
Washington, D. C., U. S. A. Epitaph: (If he ever gets one he
deserves it.)
SAMSON, exponent of hair restorer and an iconoclast. When a
young man he rehearsed his muscles until he could break a chain
and lift a fat lady. Entered the army. Was successful until
he became bald. Committed suicide by pushing a temple on
himself.
SANDOW, a pupil of the above, vaudeville star and coin
collector. One of those individuals whom nature has endowed
with a magnificent body, and sufficient brains to make money
with it.
SANTOS-DUMONT, a pre-Zeppelin-Wright air investigator who had
enough money and sense to quit before people remarked how
natural he looked.
SAVONAROLA, a reformer of Florence, Italy, who succeeded in
closing the cafe's, theatres, and dance halls. He was popular
with the masses until election day. When the opposition
returned they made it hot for him.
SAWYER, Thomas, a plain American boy who was rescued from
obscurity by Mark Twain, and became a good salesman.
SCHLITZ, press agent of Milwaukee, U. S. A., who was successful
in advertising himself and his town. In England he is
Schwepps.
SCHOPENHAUER, father of race suicide. Lionized by the French
Republic and T. R. Ambition: Empty cribs. Recreation: Trips
with his wife and children. Clubs: Mother's.
SCOTS, Mary Queen of, a Scotch lady who is said to have been
beautiful, who fell in love, and was one of the few women whose
less attractive sister got the better of her.
SCOTT, Walter, a Scotchman who secured fame without adopting
the national characteristics. His critics claim this was the
reason he failed in business. Wrote some books which are read
by students and persons possessing much time.
SEBASTIAN, Saint, the Italian who was shot with arrows and ran
second to the apostles in the number of his portraits exhibited
in European galleries.
SEIDLITZ, powder manufacturer.
SEVILLE, Barber of, a celebrated tonsorial artist who
introduced the marcel wave and the Gillette razor into Spain.
SHACKLETON, Ernest, another pole explorer. He was saved the
ignominy of reaching the desired point by the shortness of
rations, but he was near enough to become a profitable author
and lecturer.
SHAKESPEARE, William, the man who was born at
Stratford-on-Avon. When a young man he amused himself by
poaching, visiting the Hathaway cottage, and being the village
pest. Married the inmate of the cottage and went to London, a
city in England. S. became an apprentice actor, and was said
to have been nearly as bad an actor as his contemporaries. His
fame later arose due to his growing popularity. He died. S.'s
birthplace is now one of the tourist sights of the world. More
post-cards are sent from this town than from any of its size in
Europe. The church where he lies buried has an immense
floating congregation. S. also shared honors with one Bacon
for writing a few plays. Ambition: Present-day prices in
Elizabethan theatres. Recreation: Rehearsals. Address: The
World. Epitaph: (Has been obliterated.)
SHAMPOO, a barber of Shoo Poo, China, who introduced the art of
clean heads into the Celestial Empire. This has since fallen
into disrepute in that country, but is sometimes practiced in
other lands.
SHAW, G. Bernard, grouch, truth teller. An English writer who
made money by being honest enough to tell people what they
knew. S.'s enemies claim he would have to work should his
theories be put into practice. Believes in socialism and wants
everything. Author of considerable sarcasm, wit, and divided
opinion as to his talents. Ambition: An Americanless England.
Also, sales. Address: Watch bill-boards.
SHEBA, Queen of, an ancient mere woman who matched her brains
against the brainiest man who ever lived. She lost.
SHEM, Noah's heir. Was first officer of the Ark.
SHERMAN, General, secured his fame by marching to the sea and
giving a terse definition of war.
SHERRY, proprietor of a New York restaurant where a person
feels wealthy while at the table and poor afterward.
SHOE, Old Woman of the, one of those anti-race-suicide mothers
whose family caused considerable worry. Ambition: A better
job for her husband. Address: Shoe. Clubs: She did not have
time for any, and thus could not be a suffragette.
SHUSTER, Morgan, an American child who attempted to play the
diplomatic game in Persia with grown ups. Was spanked and sent
home. Occupation: Crying. Ambition: Ambassador to a country
without diplomats. Address: Home.
SHYLOCK. See New York City business directory.
SIMON, Simple, epicurean. Passed an uneventful life with the
exception of an encounter with a confectioner near the fair
grounds. The man operated his business on a cash basis. Simon
was broke and no sale was consummated.
SINBAD, an old tar whose yarns are still on the distaff.
SISTERS, Seven Sutherland, a noted family who held out
salvation for the bald and envy to women.
SMITH, John, the bravest man who ever lived. Smith ate the
first lobster.
SMITH, John, secured his renown for living in every city in the
world.
SOCRATES. He helped introduce brains into Greece. Committed
suicide.
SOLOMON, King, author, musician, builder, benedict. An old
Mormon who established a record for wearing wedding clothes.
When a child he developed a Boston brain. This grew as the
years advanced. At a tender age he began acquiring
mothers-in-law. This caused his subjects to doubt his acumen.
S. thoroughly vindicated himself, and set about building a city
and a big church to hold his family. Wrote a number of popular
songs. His proverbs also had a big sale. Ambition: Just one
more wife and an end to those quarrels in the harem.
Recreations: Picnics with the family. Also was fond of the
phonograph. Address: Care the Mrss. Solomon. Epitaph: Here
Lies The Original Man Who Knew It All.
SON, Prodigal, tourist, oat sower, and herdsman. Son of
wealthy parents. Became tired of home and desired to travel.
Visited foreign lands and had a jolly good time. His letter of
credit expired. Friends were never at home after the event.
S. had to work. Later he took a bath and walked home. Father
was delighted and gave a banquet in his honor. Unpopular with
his brother. Career: Wild. Satisfaction: Saw something of
life. Address: Home.
SOUSA, John P., American bandmaster who wrote books and shot
pigeons between march compositions.
SPENCER, Herbert, a scientist who believed the human race
degenerated from monkeys, and established the theory that only
the survivors are the fittest.
SUFFRAGETTE, T. H. E., a woman who lived years ago in Great
Britain and the United States, who believed that noble man was
incompetent, incomplete, incompatible, incongruent,
inconsistent, and an incubus in his incurious incumbency. She
was the daughter of Too Much Time and Too Much Money. Early
days spent at home. She married and began her career. S.'s
first weakness was a club. Then she fell to the level of a
speech maker and a flag carrier. The fanatical desire to see
her name in print led to the adoption of strenuous press-agent
tactics. She died fighting. Ambition: To offset her husband's
vote on election day. Recreation: Parading, windows, bombs,
letter boxes, English ministries, and a string of etcs.
Epitaph: Requiescat In Pace. (Also see Mrs. Pankhurst and
Hope.)
SUFFRAGETTE, T. H. E. Anti-, still lives, but is dying fast.
Belongs to the moss-back half of femininity. Has serious
objection to use of her head, except for decorative purposes.
Was not averse to press notices and looked with envy on the
achievements of the suffragettes in this direction. Being
denied high office in their ranks because of lack of adequate
cerebration, she set up a rival organization where brains were
not requisite. Entertains the utterly absurd idea that all
women, except herself, belong at home with their husbands and
children. Where they belong in the absence of these, deponent
sayeth not. Ambition: Continued parasitic existence.
Recreation: Manufacturing evidence and tagging on behind.
Address: Wherever there are suffrage meetings. Epitaph: Alas!
The World Does Move And She Was "Agin It."
SULZER, William, the kettle who called Murphy black. Also the
governor of New York who enjoyed the unprecedented honor of
retiring from office in order that he might be considered a
progressive. Motto: Be sure your sins will get you out.
Ambition: To be a martyr to the claws. Diet: Tigers.
Epitaph: You May Air, You May Perfume Your Clothes As You
Will, But The Smell Of Impeachment Will Cling To You Still.
T
TAFT, William Howard, a former fat, and last Republican,
president of the United States who worshipped the trusts, the
Constitution, the Supreme Court, and Theodore Roosevelt. The
love he bore the latter resulted in his election. The two
brothers quarreled because Bill would not step aside and let
Teddy run things all over again. The two brothers fought and
another ran away with the election. Principal events during
T.'s administration: Roosevelt's trip, The Outlook, Oyster Bay,
Standard Oil, That election. Ambition: 1916. Recreation:
Golf, messages to Congress. Address: Cincinnati, O. Epitaph:
How Sharper Than A Serpent's Tooth It Is To Have A Thankless
Predecessor.
TANGLEFOOT, he was the man who first stuck flies on flypaper.
TANGUWAY, Eva, an actress who did not care even if those on the
front row did.
TENNYSON, Lord, an English poet who turned a perpetual light on
a charging brigade.
TERRY, Ellen, a dear old lady whom the world wishes the
footlights might always shine upon and upon whom the curtain
would never descend.
THAW, Harry K., famous lawyer endower. Entered life as the
rich son of a wealthy father. Became interested in the stage
at an early age, but only got as far as the chorus. Later
performed on a New York roof garden. Alienists say he was the
sanest crazy man and the craziest sane man who ever lived.
Also obtained some publicity by expensive exploring in Canada
and New Hampshire. Ambition: Wreaths for Jerome. Recreation:
Straightening jackets. Address: See this morning's paper.
THEMISTOCLES, a Greek warrior who fought, but did not run a
marathon.
THIRD, Richard the, a king of England who showed how much he
thought of the country by offering to exchange it for any kind
of a horse.
THUMB, Thomas, a white pygmy who enriched himself through his
misfortunes and the curiosity of the world.
TIBERIUS, just a Roman emperor who fitted the job.
TIFFANY,[12] of New York City, London, and Paris. Introduced
high prices into the jewelry business. Greatly admired by
fiance's and millionaires. Has gained considerable fame, as
his products will pawn on a good margin. Ambition: A man in
love.
[12] Ed. Note: This is not an advertisement, as the editor is
not an actress.
TIME, Father, a very old man who has been introduced to
everybody. Very unpopular with the ladies. A great wound and
sorrow healer, but unkind to the old. He went about the world
changing babies into men and women, and placing gray hair and
wrinkles where they were never wanted. Author: Of tears.
Recreation: Reaping. Address: Your home. Epitaph: Ad Finem.
TINTORETTO, a Venetian painting manufacturer. Together with P.
P. Rubens he held the record for covering canvas and wearing
out brushes. Recreation: He never had any.
TITIAN, another painter of Venice. His works have always been
popular with the men. They are exhibited in all European
galleries, and cause consternation among clergymen and school
teachers. T. certainly could paint. Ambition: Models.
Recreation: Models.
TOLSTOY, a voice out of the dark.
TOM. (See Richard and Harry.)
TOM, Uncle, an old negro actor who appeared in every city,
town, village, and hamlet in the United States north of the
Confederate States. His history was written by Mrs. H. B.
Stowe, and was the match which kindled the Civil War. The
Northerners have since learned that all negroes are not Uncle
Toms, and are wondering whether any mistakes were made back in
1861.
TOURISTS, T. H. E., a man and woman who carried a camera,
bought post-cards, read Baedekers, visited Cook's office, rode
in carriages, and then told their friends all about the trip.
Ambition: Just one look at everything. Address: Principally
Europe. Epitaph: They Came, They Saw, They Vanished.
TROY, Helen of, a peach of a girl who eloped with a man and
caused the longest siege in history to make her elope back
again.
TURNER, J. M. W., an English painter whose paint exploded on
canvas.
TWAIN, Mark, an American who wore long white hair, made
after-dinner speeches, received university degrees, and made
people laugh.
TWINS, Siamese, two men who were closer than brothers.
TWIST, Oliver, one of those unfortunates whose history had to
be divulged for the financial gain of a great writer and many
theatrical mangers.
U
UFFIZI, an Italian who prevented scores of the old masters from
starving to death by filling his house in Florence with their
canvases. Since the Morgan art raid the market price has
advanced and U.'s investment has become profitable.
ULYSSES, warrior, inventor, and traveler. Sprang into fame at
the siege of Troy, where he invented the horse which recaptured
Helen. Escaped from Polyphemus, a one-eyed giant, by sticking
a burning telegraph pole in his eye. Later performed his
greatest feat by evading the Sirens. Stayed away from home so
much his wife forgot what he looked like. His dog, however,
recalled the scent and prevented U. from sleeping in the barn.
Press Agent: Homer. Recreation: Travel, wars. Address:
Ithaca.
UNDERWOOD, Oscar, known as Underwood Bill. A gentleman from
Alabama who walked in a presidential, but ran in a senatorial,
race. He had something to do with the high cost of tariffing.
UNKNOWN, the man who painted thousands of pictures in art
galleries.
V
VALESQUEZ, Spanish canvas coverer. In the absence of the
camera, he was appointed the court oil photographer. Exposed a
portrait of Philip IV in every gallery in the world. Art
textbooks think a great deal of V.
VANDERBILT, an American family of means who possess a few
railroads, much of New York City, some splendid divorces, and a
weakness for Newport and newspapers.
VAN DYKE, beard inventor and artist. A Dutchman who invaded
England with portraits and his tonsorial achievement.
VAN HOUTEN. He was the man who put cocoa in tin boxes.
VENUS, a dream of a girl who lived long ago, posed for her
statue, and had to die after everybody fell in love with her.
Was born and painted at sea. Married at an early age. Was a
regular heart breaker. V. had an affair with one Adonis, and
later with Vulcan. Not much is known of her old-ladyhood, as
she refused to pose for statues when advanced in years.
Ambition: Parisian gowns, the love of the gods. Recreation:
Love. Address: The Louvre, Paris. The Uffizi Gallery,
Florence. Clubs: She was too good looking to be a
suffragette.
VERSONNESE, Paul, decorator of the Doges Palace, Venice, and
contributor to most galleries. His work was nearly as prolific
as Reubens, and two or three of his paintings compare favorably
with the naughty Titian.
VESPASIAN, the man who built the colosseum in Rome for the
tourists.
VESPUCCI, A., an enterprising journalist who arrived on the
scene after the discovery had been made. V. wrote the story in
such a clever manner he succeeded in cheating the discoverer
out of naming the place. (See Columbus.)
VICTOR, he was the man who put the fox terrier in front of the
talking machine.
VINCI, Leonardo Da, painted Mona Lisa for the Louvre, Paris.
His reputation has soared in proportion to the duration of her
absence. Ambition: To be the Morgan family painter.
Recreation: Looking for purchasers. Epitaph: He Has Finished
His Last Supper.
VIRGIL, an old text-book writer. Had something to do with the
AEneid.
VIRGIN, Vestal, an old maid of Rome who was locked up in the
forum for protection. She attended the gladiatorial contests
and played with her thumbs.
VITUS, Saint, dancing master whose repertoire did not include
the turkey trot.
VOLTAIRE, a Frenchman who went around with a bad taste in his
mouth.
VULCAN, fireman and tinsmith. Made a number of celebrated
forgings. Had a career like the ancients and fell in love with
Venus.
W
WAGNER, Dick, a Dutchman who wrote a few sheets of music, went
into the opera business, but died before the good singers or
Hammerstein prices appeared.
WALKER, Johnnie, 1820. Spent most of his life at your favorite
bar until you appeared.
WALTON, Isaac, he was the fellow who started those awful fish
stories.
WASHINGTON, George, child model, father, etc. Spent early days
chopping trees, holding conversations with his father, killing
Indians, and being brave. Later he drove those tea-selling
Englishmen from the United States, said farewell to his troops,
and became a politician. W. decided he was not good enough for
a third term and retired. His picture has been widely
distributed. Ambition: To be the happy father of a big Uncle
Sam. Recreation: Powdering his wig. Address: Washington.
Clubs: Anti-Ananias.
WASHINGTON, Booker T., only a distant relation of the above. A
big black man who went about the country raising money to put
brains into ivory. He also told his audience how unfortunate
they were in not being coons. (See Uncle Tom.)
WATSON, Doctor. He boswelled Sherlock Holmes.
WEBSTER, Dan., an American statesman and a member of Congress
before the invention of investigating committees. He died
famous.
WEBSTER, Noah, speller, writer, reference-book maker, and
language itemizer. W. was the man to whom Mark Twain paid a
glowing tribute by saying he was a great writer, but his
stories were too short.
WELLINGTON, Duke of, an Englishman who taught a great French
general to say "Tout est perdu." He later taught England that
many a good soldier makes a poor politician.
WHITEHEAD, of Fiume, Austria. Mission in life was to reduce
the size of dreadnaughts.
WHITTINGTON, Richard, proprietor of a celebrated back-fence
walker.
WIDOW, Merry, a dream who hung around Mr. Maxim's restaurant in
Paris, made love to nobility, toured the world, and finally
died. Death was caused by overexertion. Before the war she
was engaged to a Balkan prince. W. visited New York, London,
and Paris. Everybody fell in love with her and whistled her
praises. Past: (?) Press Agent: Frank Lehar. Ambition:
Millionaires. Recreation: After 11.45 P. M. Epitaph: When
Will There Be Another Like Her?
WIGGS, Mrs., a woman who successfully advertised cabbages.
WILLIAMS. He was the man who ruined the shaving-mug business.
WILSON, Puddin' Head, a young lawyer who was fathered by Mark
Twain. No relation to the following.
WILSON, Woodrow, one time president of an American football,
educational institution, who outgrew his job. He moved up to
be governor, made a few cure-all speeches, introduced Roosevelt
to Bryan, changed his address to Washington. Took out a
watchful, waiting policy. Is now in Who's Who, but whether he
will remain in that publication or this one cannot be
determined at the time of going to press. Ambition: To keep
Roosevelt and Bryan running. Recreation: Teaching, Browning,
other brain exercises, thinking, Congress. Address:
Washington, care Joseph Tumulty. Clubs: Pedagogue, Mexican.
WINSLOW, Mrs., known over the world as the lady who soothes the
baby's little tummie.
WONDERLAND, Alice of, traveless discoveress. Made a lady of
the Royal Geographical Society. She was a great favorite of
the children and many grown ups. She always will remain a
Who's Whoess.
WOOLSEY, Cardinal, a churchman who combined politics with his
profession, became wealthy, unfortunate, and was finally
written up by Shakespeare.
WRIGHT, Orville, one of the inventors of the aeroplane who
knows the inside of the business, and believes one life on the
ground is worth two in the air.
X[13]
[13] Ed. Note: The editor is again compelled to apologize for
the X's.
XENOPHON, a Greek who endeavored to introduce morals into his
country. He died young.
XYLOPHONES, inventor of the xylophone.
Y
YALE, Eli, founder of the enemy of Harvard and Princeton.
Football, pipe, and bulldog fancier.
YORICK, an acquaintance of Hamlet who was recognized even in an
emaciated condition.
YOUNG, Brigham, the man who introduced Mohammedanism into the
United States and placed Utah on the flag. When a young man he
became a strong anti-monogamist. Moved west with his wives.
Utah increased in population and was admitted as a state.
After building a great temple, dedicated to Hymen, he died,
leaving a considerable family and a few widows. Heirs: See
Utah census. Ambition: London and New York in Utah. Address:
Utah. Clubs: Race Suicide. Epitaph: Like Father, Like Son.
Z
ZANGWELL, Israel, a child of the Ghetto who believed the pen
was more profitable than the pack. Ambition: The Promised
Utopia. Recreation: Zangwell plays. Address: The Ghetto.
Clubs: A. O. H.
ZANY, A., the book reviewer who said Who Was Who was the
greatest book ever written.
ZEPPELIN, Ferdinand, manufacturer of wrecked dirigibles, and an
aeronaut who knew how to land. Insurance still in vogue.
Ambition: The elevation of the German army. Recreation:
Aeronautics with the Kaiser. Address: Air. Clubs: Aero.
ZOROASTER. He was the man who introduced fires into warm
countries.
He also thanks the readers in the name of the Editor for their
kind attention.